Have never posted to you but -- let her spend time with her mom. 13 is a very treacherous age. Unless of course mom's not a very good role model - is there an OM? Sorry I'm not familiar with your sitch.
Also, what book is Jeff223 talking about? I could use some advice on dealing with hurt and use of aggressiveness also.
Stay strong.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I guess from now on you will have to set a time for your wife to have her home.
That way YOU can go out in the interim...
good point.
W called me a few minutes ago to tell me that D13 would be home soon.
Then she went on to tell me about her 'argument' with D17.
Basically she told me that D17 was wrong, that she wanted to come to dinner and that W 'tried' to tell her that it was already pre arranged and there were no more seats.
I said "look, I really don't care what your issues are with D17. I don't care who you are sleeping with either. I know that our D's do not want to be exposed to OM, Just send D13 home by 10 pm."
She started to say something like "You really don't understand..." but I told her I don't really care what she is doing. just send D13 home by 10.
Good job Frank. You are standing tall and not getting dragged into the drama.
It would be so nice if your W does go through the divorce with guilt and does not fight it. My mother divorced my father to live with OM when I was 16 and my brother 14 and she only wanted her car. My brother and I stayed primarily with my father. I believe what is best for your daughters is for them to have primary residence with you as you provide stability, respect and honor for them to live by.
Amy makes a great point. Getting on a set schedule of visitation time will help in a lot of ways. The girls will know when it is their time to spend with their mother. Maybe that will lessen the last minute phone calls to ask D13 if she wants to go to dinner. That way, nobody has to avoid taking the phone calls. I know you will encourage the girls to work on their relationships with W. They, however, are old enough to speak up for themselves. If they don't want to spend time with OM then they should get into the practice of asking their mother who will be there. They are going to have to figure this out between themselves.
More importantly, a set schedule will free up time for you to get out and get the proverbial life going. The possibilities are endless when you don't have to worry about being home to take care of someone. You will be a part-time empty nester and trust me, there are some positives to that!
I think your interaction with W was mainly good. I know you are trying to regain your Alpha Male. One suggestion: try to resist the urge to throw in OM or her relationship with him during your conversations. You would have made your point by simply stating "I don't care what you do." Let her fill in the blanks.
Regardless, get on a schedule. It will make all of your lives easier.
Hugs, Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I said "look, I really don't care what your issues are with D17. I don't care who you are sleeping with either. I know that our D's do not want to be exposed to OM, Just send D13 home by 10 pm."
The underlined part sure sounds like the little boy to me.
I think you probably know that.
Frank, I think you're turning to anger to help you force her out of your heart. Just be careful. Anger is difficult to control once we let it out. As Jeff said, this is a process. It would be nice to be able to just make a rational decision to move to the next step, but our heart does not always work just like that.
It's ok to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. It's ok to be wherever you happen to be emotionally right now.
The trick is to allow the emotional state to be what it is, but NOT allow that state to keep you from moving forward without spending all your time looking back.
And remember, the Alpha male is not an ass. The Alpha male does not need to be an ass. He knows what needs to be done and he does it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Frankd, hard to add to all the good advice you are getting, but wanted to say you handled it pretty darn well. I would suggest your W handle her R issues with her daughters, not through you.
D17 is old enough to speak for herself, apparently. And why would she lie? Certainly in D17's mind, she is telling the truth, regardless of what really occurred or what your w thinks occurred. Also, your w's version is weird anyhow...she invited your D17 but not her bf, and said being a seat short was somehow an insurmountable obstacle???
Okay...buy a folding chair or bring one next time. WHATEVS....as the college kids say when indifferent to idiocy.
The "should feels" on the board are all part of our kicking you in the pants in a good way I hope, and as you've said, something clicked and you are moving forward and that is part of why we are all here. We DO support M's, but as DBers we are also aware of two sad realities: 1) we have no control over SOME situations and it takes time to figure out when those situations are occurring, for instance if we try fifty 180's or the WAS is determined to leave, then there isn't a lot else we can do but move on...2) the other sitch is when the M, as is, is toxic for us or our children. Those cases are usually more obvious but there are gray areas, of course.
Your sitch is kind of both, but mostly the first. Your w HAS left, and now is filing "Something"...so what else can you do? Well, your choices are how to move on, and you control that. ANd being there for your d's who DO feel rejected. In a way, doesn't that make sense? I know my d19 said, back a few years, that her father had "obviously chosen not to be a part of her life" and it killed me to hear that and it is NOT what h intended.
Last Father's Day, d19 sent him a Father's Day card and in it, wrote to him about the pain he had previously caused her in leaving, and how she felt when she had expressed her emotions and that it had not changed his course of action. (I recall that day painfully and know I wouldn't do that to our children for a gazillion dollars)
THEN her Father's Day card went on to say something to the effect of "I'm ready to let you back in my heart now, and am working on forgiving you..." Surprisingly H showed me the card and said something like, "That's what this job has cost me, not to mention the money they promised...."
I am not sure h understands all the costs of his choices yet, and maybe never will. Our son once said it "would destroy dad" if he knew the full truth. Those are big things to say, that weigh heavily on my heart as we try to move forward. But we are moving forward, 2 steps forward and then one backward...(sigh)
But d19 IS forgiving him, as far as I can tell. That's a miracle I hope h appreciates. He is here now for the holidays and seems happy to be here. I do love him and he does love us. But he's a bit too much of an Alpha male for me just now, so maybe YOU MEN can help me there. He kind of takes over the house 5 min after entering, as if we haven't been on our own for months without him, and yet somehow surviving. He'll re-arrange something we already had sorted our own way. It's a little thing, but it's controlling as hell, and usually feels like we are being critisized. I hope there is another way to receive his actions, but both d's and I don't feel good about it. I've kept my thoughts to myself so far, and it was good to share a bed together... any better way to see it, you Alphas out there? I want to know it isn't about him being a jerk or sliding backwards...
Frankd, is there a post of yours where you explain how you knew your w was going back in the tunnel, or did I misinterpret your history? I thought you guys were in "piecing" for awhile, or moving towards it, and then she got wacky again. Is that the case? IF SO, how'd you know she was regressing?
Don't worry, I'm not totally paranoid yet. Just smarter I think. And we did the tree last night and watched "The Office" DVDs and laughed together and it was really nice. H seemed "nourished" for lack of a better term.
Maybe someday, your w will see that when the family is together, that is what was, and that is what she threw away.
But HER issues with the girls are HER responsibility, not yours. All you can do is not block access. And as for changing the locks, I disagree with the advice not to do it. SHE has left the home already and although her name may be on the title, that does not give her the right to make OTHERS accessible to the home and THAT is your focus; the children's safety. It's not about locking HER out, at this point, although it's a nice byproduct. It's about her judgement and that of some OM you don't know, or trust...As long as you can say, straight faced, that your concern is safety of the kids, imho you are fine.
Do you know anything about what your w's expectations are financially speaking? Since SHE has left the home, I can only assume she is not asking for the house and selling it NOW, would be financial suicide. Hope she understands that. And since she hasn't taken the girls with her, she obviously doesn't expect physical custody, correct? So, you are the deserted spouse, in a no fault state. The girls are with you primarily and it's the family home. Hmmm. The WAS has keys to the home she left and lives with someone who has access to those keys and changing the locks MAY NOT be a priority to you. I get that. I'm only asking b/c you don't know anything about OM.
FYI----not to scare you, but Last year the security alarm system we had here was on the blink, and a weird guy came out to fix it. He gave off wacko vibes, if you know what I mean. No eye contact, shifted and figeted a LOT...couldn't explain the problem well at all (and I was actually interested). And I had two D's at home. He took an incredibly long time to determine the problem, going back and forth to my bedroom where the "problem alarm wiring" was. Then he had a very expensive & complicated solution proposed. It made me realize the system had not properly been working for some time but had been billing me a lot. So I said, "no thanks".
I replaced the whole system a month ago with a diff company. THEY told me that the "broken" thing was intentionally disconnected and NOT broken at all....yikes!
SO, either the first guy wanted to rip me off and cost me a fortune, or... worse...wth???? Creepy, huh? So we changed the system and ALL the codes, etc. Gross.
Just letting you know where I'm coming from and of course, my first 3 years as a criminal defense attorney have colored my views on some things...so take my words with a grain of salt, okay? But still, it's creepy...and on THAT note, Merry Christmas!
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I thought of a couple. Maybe they're kind of lame but I will keep thinking.
1) Have the girls go shopping with you to pick out the brunch and then let them each prepare a part of it. So, you will all be doing something together.
2) For reasons known only to Hollywood, some movies open on Christmas Day. After your yummy brunch why don't you take in a movie? You can be together and not have to talk about stuff. Just enjoy each others company.
3) Do you have any Xmas light displays in Cali? Our local zoo does one and a state park not far from here also. How about taking in some light viewing and then having Hot Chocolate together? Put in an Xmas CD if you are just going to drive around and look at lights.
Try really hard to embrace all the good things about this holiday season. It will take the focus off all the negatives. Smile until your face wants to crack. Force yourself. Your girls need a dose of happiness and laughter. I bet they would laugh their butts off if you showed up to Xmas brunch dressed like Rudolph.
I know. I'm lame. I'll keep thinking.
Great big hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
So this morning I went to church and one of the things they talked about was 'know where you are in life' and 'know how you got there'.
Well, I am getting divorced. My STBXW is living the life she believes she wants, with someone new. She does not want to be with me ever again. I need to move on with my life.
How did I get here? While I didn't 'make' her do the things she is doing I did create the environment that helped her to justify running away. While I was in pain and turning to alcohol to 'feel better' she was also in pain because she relied on me to BE the 'Alpha Male'. When I couldn't or wouldn't she turned elsewhere. That's her issue in life.
So, it hurts to know what I know and to think that she is spending the holidays with someone else instead of me. But the fact that she can make that choice says that she isn't a person with the character to fight for her husband or her family.
That's ok, I understand that. I also understand that I need to let go of hope of restoration of this marriage and move on with my life.
