Separated for 2 months... ice is thawing a little

[Choosing_Life]

Hi everyone,
Some basics...
Me: 33
Her: 39
T: 10
M: 8
K: D15; S4
Bomb: 10/23/08
Separated: 10/30/08

My wife and I both seem to have some pretty reactive tendencies in the emotion department. We experienced a highly conflictual separation involving the courts and did not talk to each other for the first 4 weeks other than the most rudimentary communications about the children. Over the last two weeks, our anger seems to have faded somewhat and it seems we have both have realized that some coals are still smoldering in the ashes of our first marriage. I have tried to change things up by trying to facilitate her establishing her own household and assist her when she needs my help. It has been very hard to resist the temptation to do things for her that she can do for herself... I am trying to limit myself to only doing things that she actually asks me to help her with.

In terms of progress, she has started individual counseling and is (finally) starting a medication for depression. I have an appointment to see a counselor in January, and I have already had a couple of spiritual counseling appointments with my rabbi as well. I am trying to keep an optimistic outlook without getting too attached to any outcomes or goals, although I have come to realize that I do believe my marriage is worth saving or, rather, I believe I love W enough to be willing to make a new marriage with her. For awhile we were stalled in the "Who's going to make the first move?" stalemate, and that is where DB really helped me... so far, my optimism and positive steps have seemed to stimulate responses in kind from her, and I feel we are reinforcing each other's willingness to see this through. That being said, it has only been a short time so far and we have only just started to identify our core conflicts. We have both expressed a desire to do marital therapy, but I don't think we're quite ready for that yet. I am just really glad we're talking again. I am working on forgiveness, of myself for the mistakes I made in our first marriage and of my wife for her mistakes as well. Is it really possible to just start fresh? We had dinner together last night and spent most of our time talking about the dramatic events surrounding our separation, however I was able to redirect the conversation in a future-oriented direction a couple of times.

She has accepted my invitation to come over tonight to light Hanukkah candles with me and the kids... I am really excited and happy about this! I am starting to see the many blessings from G-d that I have taken for granted, and regardless of the eventual outcome with my wife, I am grateful for this experience for opening my eyes and helping me reconnect with my religion.