1-I control me, and me only. I am responsible for my own happiness...and that extends to everyone around me. I can do my best to do what I can for them, but ultimately, happiness is in their hands. 2-If what I'm doing isn't working, I need to try something different. Doing more of the same does not get me any nearer my goal.
As to point two: I think what I meant by "a good swift kick" is this: she seems to take most of your efforts to be compassionate and meet her demands for granted. We should brainstorm a change of approach that meets your needs for treating her with respect and kindness but puts a damper on her abusive tirades.
Aud, You are right that I need to do something different. It is clear that compassion and kindness alone will not resolve our issues.
We were up till 6AM having a difficult conversation. My W brought up her frustration regarding the lack of intimacy in the M, and stated that she has reached the point where she is ready to move on, unless I demonstrate effort with this issue.
She continues to bring-up her anger at me for enduring so much pain over the years, due to lack of intimacy. She believes that her affair(s) helped her to rediscover her sexuality, and to confirm her belief that I'm the one with the intimacy issues, and that it's not a relational problem.
She wants me to contact our former sex/marital therapist and set-up an appointment. Maybe this will be the different approach that you're recommending. We don't seem to be resolving our issues on our own.
After a difficult night, I retreated to the guest room with the dog to sleep. She called me a coward for not choosing to sleep with her. She has difficulty seeing how her behavior affects me.
It's confusing. She switches back and forth from wanting to call an attorney, and wanting to be close with me. She wants me to respond to her confrontation and verbal abuse by telling her how sorry I am for past hurt, and to move closer to her and connect physically.
I did tell her that if she wants me to connect with her, than she needs to act in ways that facilitate that. She isn't able to hear and accept any feedback that asks her to change at this time. She will need to hear requests for change from the therapist.
This is a therapist who knows me and our situation well. It started off as sex therapy years ago, and evolved into my therapy. The sex therapy was not successful, due to my avoidance around the issue at the time.
My W asks me why I have intimacy issues. I tell her that I don't know, meaning that I don't know to what extent it's relational (which she won't accept) or exclusively mine. I believe that I do need to work on being less inhibited sexually, but need my W to partner with me in developing our own physical R.
I'm feeling sadness about the potential loss of the M, and feel badly that we brought a puppy into this unstable situation. He has bonded to us, and I'd hate to not be able to bring him with me, if I had to move.
In a strange way, there isn't much fear, but more relief. She is being honest with me about her sleeping elsewhere, and her statement that she will move on, unless things improve. She's tired of tolerating a platonic R.
I need to hang in there with this, keep talking to her, empathize with her pain, hold her and comfort her, rather than keep a safe distance. The window of opportunity to change the course of our M is closing.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/21/0803:18 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
