CL, I hope you know I didn't mean to put you or your W down...it just seems to be a trend that happens in your posts, and I wanted to point it out.
I agree that compassion is something you're already working on, and something you are doing a VERY good job of accomplishing. If I've learned anything in all of this it's two things:
1-I control me, and me only. I am responsible for my own happiness...and that extends to everyone around me. I can do my best to do what I can for them, but ultimately, happiness is in their hands. 2-If what I'm doing isn't working, I need to try something different. Doing more of the same does not get me any nearer my goal.
As to point one: I know you get that in regards to yourself, and mostly in regards to your W.
As to point two: I think what I meant by "a good swift kick" is this: she seems to take most of your efforts to be compassionate and meet her demands for granted. We should brainstorm a change of approach that meets your needs for treating her with respect and kindness but puts a damper on her abusive tirades.
I'm so glad the sleeping-elsewhere stuff has stopped. I hope it stays that way. I think it is important to keep the forward momentum going, and one of the hurdles that has to be jumped here is her need to take responsibility and stop using you as her punching-bag-therapy. Since you can only control you, it seems that finding a new way of responding to her is the first place to start.
I'll start with the brainstorming...I think we should list every off-the-wall thing that pops into our heads.
So here goes: when my kids are really starting to lose it with me, and I can feel my patience going, I start to sing: "You are my sunshine..." (sometimes really loudly )
1-I control me, and me only. I am responsible for my own happiness...and that extends to everyone around me. I can do my best to do what I can for them, but ultimately, happiness is in their hands. 2-If what I'm doing isn't working, I need to try something different. Doing more of the same does not get me any nearer my goal.
As to point two: I think what I meant by "a good swift kick" is this: she seems to take most of your efforts to be compassionate and meet her demands for granted. We should brainstorm a change of approach that meets your needs for treating her with respect and kindness but puts a damper on her abusive tirades.
Aud, You are right that I need to do something different. It is clear that compassion and kindness alone will not resolve our issues.
We were up till 6AM having a difficult conversation. My W brought up her frustration regarding the lack of intimacy in the M, and stated that she has reached the point where she is ready to move on, unless I demonstrate effort with this issue.
She continues to bring-up her anger at me for enduring so much pain over the years, due to lack of intimacy. She believes that her affair(s) helped her to rediscover her sexuality, and to confirm her belief that I'm the one with the intimacy issues, and that it's not a relational problem.
She wants me to contact our former sex/marital therapist and set-up an appointment. Maybe this will be the different approach that you're recommending. We don't seem to be resolving our issues on our own.
After a difficult night, I retreated to the guest room with the dog to sleep. She called me a coward for not choosing to sleep with her. She has difficulty seeing how her behavior affects me.
It's confusing. She switches back and forth from wanting to call an attorney, and wanting to be close with me. She wants me to respond to her confrontation and verbal abuse by telling her how sorry I am for past hurt, and to move closer to her and connect physically.
I did tell her that if she wants me to connect with her, than she needs to act in ways that facilitate that. She isn't able to hear and accept any feedback that asks her to change at this time. She will need to hear requests for change from the therapist.
This is a therapist who knows me and our situation well. It started off as sex therapy years ago, and evolved into my therapy. The sex therapy was not successful, due to my avoidance around the issue at the time.
My W asks me why I have intimacy issues. I tell her that I don't know, meaning that I don't know to what extent it's relational (which she won't accept) or exclusively mine. I believe that I do need to work on being less inhibited sexually, but need my W to partner with me in developing our own physical R.
I'm feeling sadness about the potential loss of the M, and feel badly that we brought a puppy into this unstable situation. He has bonded to us, and I'd hate to not be able to bring him with me, if I had to move.
In a strange way, there isn't much fear, but more relief. She is being honest with me about her sleeping elsewhere, and her statement that she will move on, unless things improve. She's tired of tolerating a platonic R.
I need to hang in there with this, keep talking to her, empathize with her pain, hold her and comfort her, rather than keep a safe distance. The window of opportunity to change the course of our M is closing.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/21/0803:18 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She wants me to contact our former sex/marital therapist and set-up an appointment.
She will need to hear requests for change from the therapist.
This is a therapist who knows me and our situation well.
Are you ready to do this, CL? It sounds like a good place to start! It sounds promising from the fact that the therapist knows you well, and hopefully can bring your wife around to the fact that she does have a role in this, too!!!
Matilda, It's time to face this intimacy issue head-on. I'd like to think that I'm better prepared to succeed in therapy this time aroound than prior to the separation five years ago.
I asked my W to sit with me on the couch while we talked about our events over the weekend. I took a nap with her and cuddled her.
I welcome the opportunity to address this issue in therapy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda and Aud, Thanks for reminding me about the importance of Do Something Different rather than stay stuck in the same patterns. I'm good at keeping my composure and being respectful to my W, but tend to stay too long in the same patterns before making needed changes.
Having a puppy has helped me to develop some leadership skills that are applicable to a M. I tend to be a consensus-builder, but there are times when the best way to influence someone else's behavior is to take the lead.
I'm taking the lead regarding the intimacy issue, and called the therapist to re-establish marital therapy.
I'm being proactive about my W's complaints about the housecleaning, and have scheduled maid service for 1/6.
I emailed my W and told her that we can afford to have them come out monthly. My resistance to initiating new services is usually money, so I decided if I take the initiative, I'll have more control over the selection of the service provider.
I contacted a daycare for my puppy, and have begun taking him 2-3X/week to daycare to so that my W will feel less guilty about keeping him home in a cage, and allow her an easier transition home from work, rather than having to babysit a high maintenance puppy.
I cooked a potroast for her over the weekend. I intend to cook a porkroast before I leave for my holiday trip. I bought a crockpot, and intend to prepare a meal weekly, so that my W has something substantial to eat besides crackers, and PB&J, and is less reliant on carry-out or restaurants.
I'm trying to solve the solvable problems, and being more mindful of switching gears when it appears the status quo isn't resolving problems, in addition to maintaining my composure and balance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Aud and Matilda, I get up at 6AM during the week with my sheep puppy dog, before my W gets up and read and write poetry.
My W has responded positively to my efforts. She asked for a hug before I left with my sheep puppy dog to visit my family for the holidays.
The daycare gives her a break from the high maintenance puppy. I seem to have a higher tolerance for him than she does.
The monthly cleaning service will give us some structure, and a catalyst to keep up the chores in our house. We'll be motivited to do as much as we can prior to the service, so they can be utilized as efficiently as possible.
My sheep puppy dog is 45lb. at six months old, so it's imperative that I learn dog training and leadership skills. It adds a new set of behaviors to my repertoire, and complements my strengths. I've learned that calm, firm, leadership is the best way to manage a puppy (and maybe to some extent a W?).
Yes, my W and I are dancing again.
CL
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/28/0804:43 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
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