I think there is usually an op. I agree that the EAs can be more damaging - they allow the spouse to retain his or her identity as being a faithful spouse, while slowly seeping the lifeblood of intimacy out of the marriage.
My impression is that it might not be 100%, but it's close. Sometimes it's EA, sometimes PA, sometimes both. Either one is horribly damaging to the M. And if the WA admits to the A without overwhelming evidence, that's unusual. Mostly they lie about it ad infinitum.
Although, granted, some WA's don't understand that an EA is still an A, and still wrong. I have a close friend (female, like me) who is M and has been involved in an EA for almost four years, although her EA partner finally called a halt to their R a while ago, and she's been absolutely devastated that he doesn't want to be involved with her. Her obsession with OM has made a complete mess of her M, but I still don't think she understands how terribly wrong she has been (she's very religious, so you'd think she would realize that it's sin, but I don't think she does). The irony is that this is her second M; the first fell apart because her H was chronically unfaithful--but it was more PAs than EAs, I gather, so I guess she never got a clue about that...or she forgot, when her brain was stolen by the aliens a few years ago (I can see it clearly, and I'm not personally involved in her sitch).
Anyway...we would all like to believe that there's no OP, but unfortunately, there almost always is.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
"My H told me there was no one else and he wasn't the "type" to have an A and like you, I believed him...but one month after our separation I found out there was an OW from his work. An ow/om serves as a bandaid to fix something, fill a void...in my case H's OW made him feel "young" and she was a party girl"
.. I concur. My ex was NOT the type to do this, he insisted constantly there was noone else.. that the woman he was phoning on his mobile when he went out walking alone, was nothing to him and he wast interested in her.. then the bomb.. then a year later, via severe depression.. he is now dating her. She is 9 years younger than me and apparently, downs pints (as does the girl OneDays's H is seeing). When he was still seeing me regularly, up to August, he apparently told his BMF that he didnt know what to do about me.. that he was scared.. that he thuoght he was getting old and was scared of dying. Cue.. new younger gf!
He wont refer to her by name and didnt tell me about her, but let his friends tell me. All he says is, he doesnt really know what he is doing and is "just going along with it"... in as much as they left for skiing today !
I have been on the boards all year and for much of that, I was about the ONLY person whose MLCer didnt have an OW and I felt that was odd, but then my ex had severe depression, so I thought that was why...turns out he did have an EA which has turned into new gf.
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
That is what I mean, Ali - it is the OP that lets us clearly see the MLC, but it was there smoldering all along. We overlook it, we rationalize and explain away all the little things. The other person is something we cannot explain away. The reality of MLC hits us when the OP is discovered.
if people are going to assert that virtually 100% of MLC's include OPs, here's a related question - does OP automatically mean MLC?
From what I've read (and I've read a LOT about MLC), and OP doesn't have to be part of it, but it's been my experience that there pretty much always is an OP in some form.
My H and I had only ever been with each other. Never even dated anybody else. Both of us pretty shy introverts. I believed H up until my S17 told me the truth (which H had given to him in a drunken confession).
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
"My H told me there was no one else and he wasn't the "type" to have an A and like you, I believed him...but one month after our separation I found out there was an OW from his work. An ow/om serves as a bandaid to fix something, fill a void...in my case H's OW made him feel "young" and she was a party girl"
.. I concur. My ex was NOT the type to do this, he insisted constantly there was noone else.. that the woman he was phoning on his mobile when he went out walking alone, was nothing to him and he wast interested in her.. then the bomb.. then a year later, via severe depression.. he is now dating her. She is 9 years younger than me and apparently, downs pints (as does the girl OneDays's H is seeing). When he was still seeing me regularly, up to August, he apparently told his BMF that he didnt know what to do about me.. that he was scared.. that he thuoght he was getting old and was scared of dying. Cue.. new younger gf!
He wont refer to her by name and didnt tell me about her, but let his friends tell me. All he says is, he doesnt really know what he is doing and is "just going along with it"... in as much as they left for skiing today !
I have been on the boards all year and for much of that, I was about the ONLY person whose MLCer didnt have an OW and I felt that was odd, but then my ex had severe depression, so I thought that was why...turns out he did have an EA which has turned into new gf.
Al x
Didn't you know that they are all "just friends" LOL That is a classic line! That one and, "it doesn't mean anything" LOL These people are as predictable as the sun comming up. Best thing one can do when they start this stuff is to stay the hell away from them. I promise you, 99 times out of 100, when they start this stuff, they will drag you down with them if you get involved with the drama.
Didn't you know that they are all "just friends" LOL That is a classic line! That one and, "it doesn't mean anything" LOL These people are as predictable as the sun comming up. Best thing one can do when they start this stuff is to stay the hell away from them. I promise you, 99 times out of 100, when they start this stuff, they will drag you down with them if you get involved with the drama.
In my experience it approaches 100%. Maybe 95%, with the other 5% usually actively LOOKING for someone else.
This is why I believe MLC should be treated primarily as an infidelity problem first. Until the OM/OW is out of the picture, there is really very little chance for any meaningful reconciliation, and even MCing isn't effective.
In my experience it approaches 100%. Maybe 95%, with the other 5% usually actively LOOKING for someone else.
This is why I believe MLC should be treated primarily as an infidelity problem first. Until the OM/OW is out of the picture, there is really very little chance for any meaningful reconciliation, and even MCing isn't effective.
Puppy
There is very little chance of reconciliation, period. Remember this, people are not going to admit they have done wrong. Very few times does that actually happen. People who go through this would rather live miserable the rest of thier lives than admit to you, me, or anyone else that they did wrong.
