It has been an interesting weekend thus far. I had a good time on Friday night - went out with some friends and got a chance to bellydance and introduce them to Middle Eastern cuisine and culture.
I did nothing on Saturday, and I am of two minds about that. In one way, I am happy. I had a lazy day of doing nothing at all, and I enjoyed it. I watched some movies and I basically just lounged around in my house without feeling uncomfortable. I haven't really been able to enjoy time at home alone lately - and I used to really love just being here by myself. I think I'm starting to adjust a bit. I ate with a normal appetite. I did not think of him the entire day - just a few times here and there.
On the flipside, I feel guilty because I did nothing. I didn't clean like I'd told myself I would. I didn't exercise. I didn't work on my writing.
Hell, I didn't even shower or brush my teeth (sorry, I know it's gross).
All in all, it was sort of a typical lazy Saturday in my old life. I didn't really accomplish anythign to move me towards my goals.
In fact, in general I haven't done much to move myself towards my goals. I feel exhausted by everything, and I am disappointed in myself. This laziness is a deeply ingrained pattern in my life, and it is one I know needs to be broken. Somehow, making myself get up and do things isn't going so well even though I know they must be done and only I can do them.
This was a problem in my M as well. I was too tired to vacuum, so my H did it. I was too tired to go to the grocery store, so my H did it. I needed my downtime, so my H stepped in to take care of things.
I know I need to break this cycle. Problem is, knowing and doing are two different skills.
Ah well. Today is another day. Hopefully when I report back later, I'll have crossed some tasks off of the list.
H and I have had some minimal email contact this weekend. He emailed me early Saturday morning with the info to pay the insurance online. I emailed him back briefly to ask for the login information. He responded briefly with instructions.
That's been it. I'm annoyed that I corresponded with him, but at least it was in regards to business that needed to be handled.
Now I've got to go and get ready for church. I'm going to services with my dad and then will have lunch with my parents. I'm not looking forward to their questions and demands, but I am trying to remind myself to be patient with them.
My H works and lives in the same general area where my parents live. I'm terrified that one day I'll run into him with OW. I've also noticed that I am developing a real loathing of young waitresses. No matter where I go out to eat, I see them and wonder if OW looks like any of them. I find myself looking on younger women with real contempt - especially if they are thinner than me. Everytime I pass a big grey truck, I'm looking to see if it is my H. It seems like everywhere I go, there is some place that is a reminder of our life.
I have to wonder if he experiences this same sort of haunting. Does he see my ghost in places, in songs, in TV, the way I see his? Does he think of me at all, and if so, what are those thoughts? Does his family speak of me? What do his friends and sisters say about all of this? How much do they know of the A? Is he falling deeper into the A, or are cracks beginning to form?
Does he have regrets? Does he ever feel lonely without me? Does he worry about me? How often does he think of our dog? Does he ever miss sleeping beside me? Does he dream of me the way he used to? Will he miss me on Christmas? Is he happy when he dreams of a future apart - and does he even dream of that future?
I'll never truly know the answers to those questions, and so I do let them know. But occassionally, they do creep in.
It is a grey day today, but hopefully I can generate enough sunniness on the inside to enjoy it nonetheless.
