Thanks for stopping in and offering support, SingleDad! I really appreciate it.
I also wonder about whether letting out the full scope of my anger towards him is ever going to be appropriate.
Perhaps there is. Unfortunately, I do not have the wisdom to know the answer to that question. If there is a time for me, I don't believe it is now.
Perhaps I would benefit from the cathartic experience of raging at him, but in the end, there's nothing I can say that he doesn't already know - he's betrayed me; he's forgotten his morals; he's hurt me; he's been selfish in the extreme and in doing so has damaged my life along with his own.
He knows all of that. He's living with it, and he's likely bottling it up inside because I have a hard time seeing him talking to anyone about it.
I completely understand the desire to have to say something. In your case, you have a child together, so that changes the dynamic as well.
I think, though, that we have to trust that our spouses know that we care, that we do not want to walk this path. Believe me, if you've said it once, it's fair to assume your spouse knows. The problem is, they are choosing to walk a different path regardless of that knowledge.
Will they eventually come around? Honestly, we cannot know. In looking through this board, though, it appears that in every case that a couple has reconcilled, it is always because the wayward spouse comes to realize they want to stay on their own.
We can help along that realization through our actions, but in the end, we cannot reason with them to change. We cannot force them into it. We cannot scare them enough or love them enough to make a difference.
And so I think we're all here to become stronger, more balanced people. We are further along the road than our spouses because we are not running. We are confronting our reality and finding a way to continue that is honorable and compassionate and strong. If in our journeys towards this better version of our own humanity we become more appealing to our spouses, it is an added benefit.
I know how hard it is to believe that, but it is a truth we all must struggle to embrace if we are to succeed.
SingleDad, sometimes I do feel like perhaps my decision to not unleash my anger is weakness, that perhaps I am allowing myself to be a doormat. But when those moments come I have to ask myself, in history, in my own life, in the teachings of every major religion, does anger ever reap lasting rewrads?
I believe the answer there is no.
Gandhi chose a path of non-violence, a path that focused on effecting change for his people by turning inwards, and he changed the fate of India. It is the compassion and unconditional love of Jesus that saved our souls. Buddha did not reach enlightenment through anger but through turning to himself.
The list goes on and on. And in smaller ways, if I look at my own life, it is not my indignation or fury that has won me any true prizes. It is always love, compassion, tolerance, patience, and endurance that bear the most fruit.
I've gone on and on. Perhaps I am just trying to justify my own actions, and one day I will change my mind. I guess we all must cross that bridge when we come to it.
