I read your initial post, and nearly wept. This was my situation 3 to 4 years ago. In my case then married 23 years.
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She said it's been progressive over the last 4 years...she told me she could only give one day at a time. Since then, I have tried to talk to her, I've written letters, but she really won't respond to anything I do. I told her that I didn't want to lose my wife or my family and that they mean the world to me. She says she knows how I feel,
Heard it and done it all.
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I know from reading the other letters on the blog, that this is far from the worst conditions possible
Just to prepare you Unfortunately if this is MLC then it will get worse. I remember a poster writing to me, suggesting making these times happy and memorable to the spouse, before things get really bad, and they did. I remember her saying how she wanted to remain friends and make the separation amicable, over the following months she deteriated to communicating in grunts, and acting as if I had a disease, recoiling away.
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All she will say is that things have been going good since Nov 2nd. We still are intimate, and when leaving for work tell each other I Love You.
I had this for a year after the first bomb, I now see this as the denial stage. Where they know what is right thing to do, and are working really hard at it get the luvvy duvvy feelings back, but the MLC feelings increasingly takes over.
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She also doesn't want to do any counseling
No they don't, they do not believe anything is wrong in the way they think and feel, and will not entertain anything to the contrary.
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she doesn't want me to tell anyone else about this either
This is the oddest statement we get to hear, it gives us hope. I now think that whilst they are debating in their minds whether it is the right thing to do. Also those luvvy duvvy feelings that they know they should have and are fighting for , if they come back...well best not tell anyone just in case.
If and when the next bomb takes place, she will want to sing it from the roof tops. Mine could not wait to tell the kids, did not want to live a lie anymore. Unfortunately, it took a further 2+ years to sell the house, and for her to actually go. Over 2 years that the kids had to live the nightmare with me.
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I told her that I didn't want to lose my wife or my family and that they mean the world to me.
In view of what I have written above, I am sure you can see how this type of statement can bee construed as pressure.
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Thank you all for the advice. as far as 180's,
1. Lost 20 pounds so far 2. Shave daily 3. Try to have most of our daily chores done. (can't do it all ) 4. Try to have the right attitiude and be involved with everything WITHOUT smothering... 5. will listen more intently and remember more 6. Seeing a counsellor
Doing most of the daily chores, wow, I did this, took the dog out, cleaned, cooked, laundry etc, all the things I perhaps could have done more often, what did this do? It was seen as creeping, to win her back. It was seen as "too little too late" It was seen as putting her on a pedestal, and when you put her on a pedestal, she automatically put yourself beneath her. She will loose respect, and you cannot love someone if you cannot respect them,
I would like to see goals that are aimed to make Ral the best guy in the world, so that everyone thinks she is mad leaving.
We are the same age, and there is a wonderful life out there to be had. Simple goals that helped me (one suggested by J3B),
Talk to everyone (in the queue at the supermarket check in) Smile at people (it really goes a long way) Take up an interest that gets you away from the war zone (Salsa Dancing or whatever is in vogue these days)
You know when you have achieved these goals is when friends comment how popular you are, and how you know everyone. This was doubly difficult for me as I live in a foreign country and do not speak the lingo, but...I am the happiest I have been for a very long time. I say this in the hope that it encourages you and affirms that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It's all about saving you now, not the marriage, that will be a bonus side effect, if it occurs.
