Advice please...

[craig54]

Ral, Your 180's are a good start, counseling will help you immensely.Focus on the kids, and there well being, and don't forget about doing something for you. You need balance in your life. You will be overwhelmed if you don't take some time for just you.Take one day at a time , day by day.

[Dawn of Hope]

RAL,
Read and reread Divorce Remedy (sounds like you have already started that). If you can afford it, sessions with a Divorce Busting coach will be some of the best money you have ever spent (go for the multiple-session package if possible). I struggled to come up with the funds for my sessions, but I'm very glad I did--my DB coach always made me feel much stronger and more hopeful and more confident about what I should do. Even though my H moved out a month ago, he was still living at home for over a year past the bomb, and I don't think he would have been around for nearly as long if I hadn't been DBing like crazy, and even when he moved out, he was clearly indicating that he wasn't at all sure it was the right thing to do, but he felt like he had to do *something* to get unstuck, and that was all he could come up with (naturally, dumping his mistress wasn't an option he favored).

It will seem unbelievably difficult, but the best thing you can do is to take your focus off of your W, and put it squarely on yourself and your kid(s). Make changes that YOU think you need to make--things that you intend to keep up for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens in your M. GAL is very, very important. So is acting as happy as you can possibly manage, especially in front of your W. It takes a long time, but "fake it 'til you make it" does work eventually. We all know how incredibly hard this is, but if we can do it, you can too.

Find healthy ways to deal with your stress (away from your W). Exercise, call a trusted friend (very important to choose carefully who you talk to about this in RL, as most people will not understand or support your DB approach and you will have to defend your actions instead of getting support), journal, get in your car and go someplace isolated and do some primal scream therapy, hit a punching bag, practice martial arts or yoga...whatever works for you that isn't harmful to anyone or anything animate.

Finally, take a lot of deep breaths and go deep to find the huge supply of patience that is going to be required to see this through. This will seem like it takes absolutely forever, so prepare and pace yourself.

If you are a spiritual/religious person, you are going to discover unforseen depths and challenges to your faith. Check out http://www.rejoiceministries.org/ and see if you find something helpful to you (you can sign up for free daily devotionals, and many of us here have found them very helpful).

Finally, come here to the boards as much as you need to, and pay attention to the advice given. The people who post here may each say things in different ways, and will emphasize different things, but I have found an amazing amount of consistency in the basic ideas and advice expressed on this site, regardless of what shows up in the box that identifies the person posting it.

Hang in there, you are not alone!

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

[StayHopeful]

This is really hard for me to understand whats going on with W. She acts as though we're normal daily, other than occasional shows of affection, which are lean. We talk, tell each other we love each other when leaving, on hanging up the phone, etc. The day she dropped the bomb, she made the mention, that she sees people dying at work (W is a nursing home administrator)and it makes her wonder about the way her life is going. No disrespect to her but, I'm a Firefighter/Paramedic and I see it practically every shift. I fight to bring people back when they arrest. You want to talk about it being hands on, that's my world. Over the last 4 years I have never been so greatful for her being my wife, and I am appreciative for everything she has done for me and our family. But I never believed she would begin to question me, us, our marriage. She is my best friend... Where did this come from ? I knew it was serious when she said she could only give me one day at a time.

[craig54]

Ral, If that is all your wife can give you, one day at a time, then that is what you need to do.NO pressure.

[craig54]

Ral, If that is all your wife can give you, one day at a time, then that is what you need to do.NO pressure.

[StayHopeful]

I hear you. One day at a time... NO Pressure.

[Smurf_SMR]

I read your initial post, and nearly wept. This was my situation 3 to 4 years ago. In my case then married 23 years.

She said it's been progressive over the last 4 years...she told me she could only give one day at a time. Since then, I have tried to talk to her, I've written letters, but she really won't respond to anything I do. I told her that I didn't want to lose my wife or my family and that they mean the world to me. She says she knows how I feel,

Heard it and done it all.

I know from reading the other letters on the blog, that this is far from the worst conditions possible

Just to prepare you
Unfortunately if this is MLC then it will get worse. I remember a poster writing to me, suggesting making these times happy and memorable to the spouse, before things get really bad, and they did. I remember her saying how she wanted to remain friends and make the separation amicable, over the following months she deteriated to communicating in grunts, and acting as if I had a disease, recoiling away.

All she will say is that things have been going good since Nov 2nd. We still are intimate, and when leaving for work tell each other I Love You.

I had this for a year after the first bomb, I now see this as the denial stage. Where they know what is right thing to do, and are working really hard at it get the luvvy duvvy feelings back, but the MLC feelings increasingly takes over.

She also doesn't want to do any counseling

No they don't, they do not believe anything is wrong in the way they think and feel, and will not entertain anything to the contrary.

she doesn't want me to tell anyone else about this either

This is the oddest statement we get to hear, it gives us hope. I now think that whilst they are debating in their minds whether it is the right thing to do. Also those luvvy duvvy feelings that they know they should have and are fighting for , if they come back...well best not tell anyone just in case.

If and when the next bomb takes place, she will want to sing it from the roof tops. Mine could not wait to tell the kids, did not want to live a lie anymore. Unfortunately, it took a further 2+ years to sell the house, and for her to actually go. Over 2 years that the kids had to live the nightmare with me.

I told her that I didn't want to lose my wife or my family and that they mean the world to me.

In view of what I have written above, I am sure you can see how this type of statement can bee construed as pressure.

Thank you all for the advice. as far as 180's,

1. Lost 20 pounds so far
2. Shave daily
3. Try to have most of our daily chores done. (can't do it all )
4. Try to have the right attitiude and be involved with
everything WITHOUT smothering...
5. will listen more intently and remember more
6. Seeing a counsellor

Doing most of the daily chores, wow, I did this, took the dog out, cleaned, cooked, laundry etc, all the things I perhaps could have done more often, what did this do?
It was seen as creeping, to win her back.
It was seen as "too little too late"
It was seen as putting her on a pedestal, and when you put her on a pedestal, she automatically put yourself beneath her. She will loose respect, and you cannot love someone if you cannot respect them,

I would like to see goals that are aimed to make Ral the best guy in the world, so that everyone thinks she is mad leaving.

We are the same age, and there is a wonderful life out there to be had.
Simple goals that helped me (one suggested by J3B),

Talk to everyone (in the queue at the supermarket check in)
Smile at people (it really goes a long way)
Take up an interest that gets you away from the war zone (Salsa Dancing or whatever is in vogue these days)

You know when you have achieved these goals is when friends comment how popular you are, and how you know everyone. This was doubly difficult for me as I live in a foreign country and do not speak the lingo, but...I am the happiest I have been for a very long time. I say this in the hope that it encourages you and affirms that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It's all about saving you now, not the marriage, that will be a bonus side effect, if it occurs.

Take care

[StayHopeful]

Finding some balance is tough. Currently, I am trying to keep it realistic, in that it's not doing all the chores but, my share. I don't know where her mind is right now, limbo I guess. Until she decides which way to go.

[Bworl]

All your NEED's need to be put on hold right now. Make it all about HER.

I don't really agree with this. Unless of course it was meant to say that your needs REGARDING HER AND THE MARRIAGE need to be put on hold. Your OTHER needs are paramount right now. You are losing pieces of something that presumably is very important to you. That can be difficult. If your wife is slowly checking out, you will receive less and less from her. Now is the time to take care of yourself. You become your priority.

Once again I ask, what is YOUR role in the relationship becoming less than what it once was? How have YOU become less than the man you were when your wife fell in love with you?

You haven't answered either of these questions. That suggests to me that your focus is still all on HER. You'll just have to trust me on this when I tell you that's a BAD approach to the crisis you find yourself in now.

I don't mean to suggest that you've become some kind of ogre that your wife cannot love anymore. But we all change as the years go by. Most of us get lazy, start to take things for granted, develop irritating little ways of doing things. Sometimes we begin to compromise things we once stood strong about. Maybe we even give up on some of the plans we once told our spouse we hoped to accomplish.

You cannot do much to affect what she's going through. It's far easier to cause further damage between the two of you than it is to do something that produces incredibly positive changes. You avoid relationship talks with your spouse because it pressures her to explain herself (she doesn't want to explain herself to you right now) and it gives her the opportunity to point out all the negative things that are rolling around in her head (true or not).


I don't think you're at the point where any of us would be telling you to leave her alone to the point of going dark or dim on her. But you do need to come to the realization that

a) this is something SHE is going through
b) it's not likely she wants your help or advice about it
c) it's far easier for you to do damage than good right now


She wants space? Give her space. That doesn't mean that you start trying to do everything under the sun for her to make her life easier. As Smurf shared, I think that would only be perceived by her as either pursuing (pressure) or needy (weak). Both are bad.


So start shifting the focus to you. Do some introspection. This is a chance for YOU to make some changes that perhaps have been needed for some time.


You.


That's what you can control.



Blessings,

Bill

[Ready2Change]

All your NEED's need to be put on hold right now. Make it all about HER.

...Unless of course it was meant to say that your needs REGARDING HER AND THE MARRIAGE need to be put on hold. Your OTHER needs are paramount right now.

YES! I did not articulate properly. Thanks Bworl for the clarification.