H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, MWG and Glam, thanks for checking on me and posting. I always appreciate knowing that people are out there reading and caring about my mixed-up life.

If he is unable to pay it back, will they call you?

I was wondering about this myself. I wouldn't think so, since of course I didn't sign anything, but I do live in a community property state (Missouri). I have the loan number from the form, and of course I know H's social security number and other info (except his current address ), so I am going to call Sallie Mae (the student loan company) to find out if I am under some kind of financial obligation that I never agreed to. Any legal experts out there reading this that have any idea?

Wow Dawn, that sucks. Once again you can't stop the behavior. I find it unbelievable what they get themselves into. Now you said Dawn that he came into some money recently, do you think he got some from this student loan?

Sorry this is all happening to you.

Thanks, Glam. No, I don't think his "windfall" was from the student loan--he told me that he took a loan from his retirement funds "to put [himself] in a better financial position." I am betting that in addition to paying off some credit cards that he had maxed out (I never use them), and preparing to get an apartment (so he would need both extra income and decent credit), he was getting his credit in order so that he would be a good co-signer for this student loan.

It is all becoming clear now--why he got a copy of his credit report, took out the loan, paid off credit cards...all without mentioning it to me until he told me he was moving out and it was a done deal.

I just have steam coming out my ears. And it really burns me that people who live halfway across the country that he rarely talks to, and banks and things, know where he lives, but he won't tell me...his wife. It's not that I would expect to do anything with the info, but for some reason, the fact that he won't tell me just burns me up, even though I know it's fairly normal. It's extremely rare for me to lose my temper, and I won't now, and probably it doesn't even show on the outside, but I'm seriously seething on the inside. WTH is WRONG with him that he's so far gone from the man I married??! I simply can't believe he is mentally okay, he is so dramatically different. There just HAS to be a short in his mental wiring or something. Maybe I am in denial, but he is just so different!

I am trying not to whine, but this is just getting to me today, and I'm feeling really worn out after dealing with his increasing alienation over the last year and a half. I realize a lot of you have been dealing with your aliens for significantly longer than that, but I'm guessing you were getting tired of it by this point too.

I remember when my friend Lynn and her H and I celebrated the ringing in of 2008 together (my H was performing in a concert with his band that night--it was the first time he and I had been apart on New Year's in about 20 years). [Lynn and her H had gone through a lot of bad times in 2007 also, because of her EA and the EA's rejection of her (she's still madly in love with EA, but at least she only spends about 25% of her time talking about him now, instead of 90+%).] Anyway, I expressed the wish in my New Year's toast that we would ALL find 2008 significantly better than 2007. Well, I can't say that was the case for me, so I hope 2009 is better. Sometimes, in my cynicism and depression, I wonder, at what point do you just give up and stop trying to make things better, because you have failed over and over and over?

Now I'm getting to that point where I'm reminded of how hard I am to live with because of my ingrained negativity. I don't know, is it actually easy for some people to be positive? Or is it actually as mind-blowingly uphill-difficult for everyone else as it is for me? I think it must be easier for some people, because if everyone had my depressive and suicidal tendencies, the human race would not have survived this long.

I'm going to go sulk or something now. I don't think I'm helping anyone by continuing to vent ad nauseam, so I will stop inflicting my bad mood on you.

Peace,
Dawn

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn... no, you vent away! Thats what the boards are here for.

I want you to know that my ex had NO ow...we had never had a cross word, were still very emotionally connected in fact.. and when he moved into his flat in Jan, he wouldnt tell me where he was living either !! Shocking! I cant believe I went on so long and let him NOT tell me... eventually, he gave me the address, sort of inadvertently, on top of his CV.. in May. But this was a measured choice to finally reveal it as when I later said "I dont know where you live" he said, yes you do.. it was at the top of my CV. !

He never did invite me there though, over the past YEAR, despite my hints. He finally relented to let me drop him off outside the apartments in July, but only as he had missed the last train. I've never been inside.

So.. no, you;re not alone and I considered us to have a very close friendship still. Its madness isnt it!???

Also.. of course its hard to remain positive in the face of what has happened to you.. I dont thikn you should say you are negative (perhaps thats negative in itself!), but its just normal! Its been a really tough year, for many of us, I know it has been for me. Dont beat yourself up, you've had alot to bear and you are amazing Dawn as you have borne it and with grace...

Al xxx

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Ali,
Awww, that's so sweet of you! Thank you so much for the compliments, and for posting to me! I know people always say they don't post because they don't know what to say, but even just expressions of support mean a lot to me!

Our friend Lynn got H to tell her where he was living, but he made her promise not to tell me. He even invited her to visit, although I don't think she has yet. So I suppose if there were mitigating circumstances, I could find out from her where he lives, but I wouldn't ask without a really good reason. I'd be curious to know if he really does have a bare minimum of furniture, as he told me, or if the several thousand dollars he paid to the furniture store in OW's area actually resulted in something for his place...or if he was just buying lots of expensive furniture for OW.

I REALLY want to get off this roller coaster. I suppose it will just take some more time to truly detach. I know I have made progress, since things that threw me completely for a loop a year ago would barely make a ripple with me now, but I'm not in the end zone with detachment yet. (Big note here: this may be the only time in my life I ever use a football metaphor, since I'm mostly sports-averse!)

I made myself a really long to-do list last night, so I'm going to get on with it now that I feel a bit better. First order of business is a nice little sweaty, exhausting weightlifting workout.

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

You go Dawn. Lift those weights. Well I still don't know where my h lives, but I don't really care either. If I knew what difference would it make.

Sorry all this is happening.

[AliSuddenly]

WOW! Glamgirl.. you dont know where your H lives, but you are in MC and you have kids with him !!?? Ok.. I've heard it all now..

Love Al xxx

[glamgirl]

Al that would be correct. It used to bother me so much, now he is here so much that does it really matter. Now in C the C asked h a start would be to tell me where he lives and he said sure not problem, but hasn't said where.

I don't think it's on the top of his priority list. He just recently moved closer to our home, so that was a really good thing.

[MidwesternGirl]

WOW! Glamgirl.. you dont know where your H lives, but you are in MC and you have kids with him !!?? Ok.. I've heard it all now..

Love Al xxx

My h did not tell me where he lived either! I happened to follow him from his office 2 1/2 years ago and found out. Then he and ow moved out of there and he still never told me where but a ha!! He made a call to a number I was not familiar with and it was the after hours maintenance number to the apts where they currently live. That is how I discovered where he currently lives.

And yes, we have kids ,too.

[Silent Chrleader]

You all really don't know where your H's live???? I don't get that at all!! When you're still married and in a community property state!??

But, that's not the weirdest story I've ever heard. No, that goes to one of my very best friends in the world. She was the maid of honor at my wedding, and I was hers. Her H left her for an OW, who was 10 years older than they were (they were in their early 20s at the time). Her H actually asked my friend if they could still file their taxes jointly and claim OW as a dependent!!! Now that's whacked!!

[glamgirl]

SC it just tells you how out there these spouses are. They want to be left alone and don't want anyone coming around to bother them. It's just part of the whole MLC thing.

Independent throw my hands up in the air!

[MidwesternGirl]

They dont have to tell you where they live as it is not a law here and we live in a community property state. Someone in the court system told me this and she could not even tell me where he was living at the time as it had to come from him and he had to be the one to tell me.