Hi WEIT, thanks. I live in a state that there is no legal seperation, only D. In the case of my M with more than 10 years and H having an A it is better to claim fault for financial. I have been making changes to my finances for protection. This has been such a difficult road. I think sometimes I am still in shock but at least I have started to be proacive. Take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yes, proactive is good! I still can't believe this has happened to me either but I'm no longer frozen.
I think if you're still not sure whether to expose or not just stay quiet for awhile longer - your H is probably worried sick over what you'll do - he just won't admit it.
My H finally poked his head out and emailed me Wed. I'm back on my thread now trying to sort things out. Stop by if you get a chance.
Stay strong!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi Silver, will check out your thread. More exposure today...my D28 sent an e-mail through my space to OW's daughter saying that this A has destroyed our family and that they were going out since summer. My H called D15 and asked if she was on my space? Once he said that we knew she read it. D28 gets and e-mail from Ow D saying that they were not happy about this A and finding out that her mother was going with married man. Should be an interesting Christmas for my H and OW now that word is out that she is trying to pass off her A as her "boyfriend" to her family. Should be an interesting day. Glad I am going away and getting away from all this garbage.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Good for your D28! Now you know the "romantic bliss" is coming to an end. I think the DR book or some other book I read says that even if the 2 of them are talking negative things about you, that's a good thing. No more romantic dinners and so on.
I read this on someone's post ages ago - "They've made their bed and now they have to lie in it. And there's a pretty engravement on the headboard that says "REALITY".
Going away will be the best thing in the world for you!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I love that quote. Where are you going for Christmas this year? I see you have no children but do you have sisters/brothers any family to hang out with? i used to love the holidays and this year I just wish them away.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi Hope, you've got a fantastic ally in your D. No one could be as upfront as her. It's great that she is on your side. Are you sticking to Plan A or do you think you will move onto Plan B?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM, trying to hang in there till we fly out tomorrow. H came over yesterday and took D out. We gave her christmas presents. H looked terrible. I thought at the beginning that when he started the A then the drinking got bad because of the guilt. Now I realize it was the drinking that led to the A. H right now has turned into an active alcoholic again after 15 years of sobriety. Also came to the realization that OW is an alcoholic also. So now it is not just the A but he will have to deal with the drinking also. I am trying to be in Plan A but I might have to go dark. On the other site I go to marriagebuilders everyone there said I should turn in my H and OW and get them fired. I know it is the right thing to do but I am also scared. H has put us in such a bad situation with dating his direct report, me working there and back to drinking. any thoughts
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
My H has only a slight drinking problem but he definitely needs it to relax. He doesn't drink until he drops but he does depend on it and thinks it's the only thing that can relax him. He won't exercise or meditate or pray or read or anything after work because he is too tired so drinking is his natural crutch. It's a huge hurdle to do db without the drinking problem but sounds like he is avoiding his problems by drowning in his sorrows. I don't know your H personally but I can only suspect that he is going thru some depression issues BEFORE he started drinking again and drinking was his way of dealing with his pain, i.e. numbing and forgetting it. NOw he has found someone who 'understands' him and his drinking. A total enabler who will help him do what 'feels good'. What he doesn't realize is that his problems still exists and his drinking and this other person won't make his pain go away. There's not much you can do. You can talk till you are blue in the face but he won't listen. He has to learn his lessons himself.
Regarding the issues of turning them into the company. My H is also dating his direct report. My take of my own situation is, what do I gain if I do this? My H might lose his job, in which case I lose financial support and my home and security for my kids. I gain my H's wrath and he will NEVER forgive me for taking his way his job (he won't see it as him doing this to himself, he will see it as me doing something to him). If he NEVER forgives me then there is NO CHANCE of reconciliation. Right now I still hope.
So if you want to give your marriage a chance, I would say, don't do anything to your H. If you don't love him anymore and is full of hate for him then you have nothing to lose. Don't sabotage your own future reconciliation by doing anything hateful now. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sooner or later their A will fizzle out, I promise you. Theirs is no 'great love'. They are both in escape mode, escaping pain. It won't last, you don't need to do anything to end the A, it will definitely fizzle out on its own. It will take way too long for your patience but it will die. Don't give him ammunition to HATE you and resent you more. Your friends want you to stop hurting right now but you know what, you putting their jobs at risk WILL NOT give you happiness. Momentary feeling of triumph, yes, but not True peace of mind or respect for yourself in the long run. I think you know what is right and wrong. The question is can you live with yourself or not? No one else matters, Hope, you need to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM, I also post in marriage builders and they look at turning him in as helping him reach bottom. I felt like you but I do have to look at this from another way. Do I continue to go to work and watch this and know how disrespectful it is or do I go forward ethically and do what is right. Here is one of the posts I received over there. Harsh yes, but some good points.
I guess the real question here is do you want your H back in your life or do you want to keep your current lifestyle and become a zombie who drifts through life numb because you will no longer be cared for by this bum? You may still be married to him, though eventually he's going to get tired of paying for 2 homes, especially if OW moves in with him, and tell you you're on your own anyway - and then you'll really be unable to afford the mortgage.
So your choices are: (1) pretend he's gonna keep taking care of you guys and you keep quiet at work and eat yourself alive watching him scr&w every woman who catches his eye, since you're doing nothing to stop it. But you'll (maybe) get to keep living in your nice house, right? That's important...Oh, and your daughters will watch you cave and hate themselves and you for it, and subconsciously decide they deserve no better, and they'll go on to continue your tradition with getting abused by their husbands. But, hey! You get to keep living in a neat house! (until he stops supporting you cos one of the OW won't let him)
(2) Respect yourself and teach your daughters to respect themselves by throwing him out of your lives until he sobers up and agrees to no contact with OW, no affairs ever, total transparency. Move into a smaller house or apartment, rent that one out, teach your daughters high ethics, and watch them blossom from seeing your strength and self-respect and go on to protect themselves like you did. differently.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, I am not exactly in your shoes so I can't be certain of the 'right' thing to do.
Here is how I analysed your options:
1) If you are telling me that you choose self-respect over giving your M a chance, that is OK with me. Then by all means, do what the above adviced. You have to respect yourself in the end and that is very very important. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life so I understand.
2) If you are telling me that you want to try to reconcile in the future and try to rebuild your M at some point, then jeopardizing their jobs will make you out to be a 'bad guy' and it will take extra long for the two of you to get back into a good place. Not impossible but very very difficult. What are the chances that he will fall in love with you again after you throw him out, causes him to lose his job and acts, in his eyes, totally antagonistically towards him? Can you see it happening? Is that what you really want?
3) If you want to teach your daughters a lesson about marriage and self-respect, by all means, teach them. But please don't forget the lessons of following one's promise to respect and love in sickness and in health. I see our Hs in sickness at the moment, that is a choice I have chosen. It might be different for you. Also, promises are meant to be kept forever, not 'until it doesn't feel good to me anymore'. Which is the lesson your H is teaching them!!! Also, how about the lesson of giving something your all and not give up despite the greatest odds? These are good lessons too. They don't come from a place of anger or resentment. The 'I deserve self-respect damm*t' school of thought. Rather these lessons come from compassion and perseverence.
It's not a choice of just a nice house as opposed to self-respect, that's just simplifying it a little. It's more of what do you want in the end, Hope? That's what YOU need to decide. If you can't seem to make up your mind, then DO NOTHING. Don't do ANYTHING that you will regret later. You can still get nasty if it comes to a D. In fact, you can get nasty all you want after the D. But if you want to reconcile, getting nasty is not the way to go about it, that's all I am saying.
By the way, you have been married 21 years, you've EARNED your house. Why give it up just because he's screwing around on you? Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Not you.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
