Hi Beth: I wish this site had more of an interactive function to it - as sometimes these conversations seems so truncated...
You won't always find the positives if you look for them in the words - sometimes the positives are more in the actions - like the kiss, the music, the listening.
I didn't mention it specifically before, but this really jumped out at me:
"He likened himself to the character in Steppenwolf who vacillates between wanting to be alone and wanting human connection. He said he likes his solitude right now, alot. He said he does not know how to ask a significant other to accept him for who he is, as someone who swings back and forth like a pendulum needing connection and independence."
Isn't it normal to fluctuate like that? And isn't it the goal of a healthy relationship to have both the connection and the independence...seeing that fluctuation as the problem seems to be part of the problem...
He tells you that he likes his solitude a lot right now - while also saying that he swings like a pendulum...and here's the positive in those words - he's opening up to you about his vulnerability - he's opening up to you about his fear - and he's opening up to you about not being centered. It may take some time for him to see that a healthy relationship with oneself leaves room for both connection to another and independence for oneself - but I don't think you (or anyone else) could show him that. He has to come to it on his own, no?
Look past the words to find the positives - there are lots of positives there - both just for you and for your R with your H (no matter what the outcome).
