Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

(((Trixi))) - thought you might need one more hug!

I just thought of one more thing along the lines of the "affair" thought I had above. In response to this:

SS HATES how RM has changed his dad.

This is another classic thing that happens. The LBS, kids, family, etc. all blame the OP for the changes and choices a person is making. Sure the RM may be influencing him, but it's YOUR H/HIS DAD making these decisions. NO ONE is forcing your H to make these choices. It's much easier for SS to hate and blame the RM than to see that his Dad is choosing this life, a life that he's not a priority in. (sound familiar?).

If there's some way to mention this to the C it might be good. She can help him work through the fact that people have ownership of their own choices and the consequences of those choices - lessons that he's learning ANYWAY. I just think applying it to his Dad, especially with the blame he's currently placing on the RM, might be timely. And, it might hurt a tiny bit less if the C can be there to help him work through the pain. The realization in my sitch hit me very suddenly and unexpectedly and it was pretty tough.

About the other stuff with SS... I'm so sorry. What a mess. I can't believe your H answering for him in the C's office (well, I can actually, but geez!). I'm glad he has you in his corner or I think he'd have NO ONE supporting his decision to clean up his life.

About mentioning the weed to the C... good question. I think everything has to remain confidential unless she feels he's a threat to himself or others. I'm pretty sure being in the proximity of weed wouldn't fit into that category. But if it's court ordered counseling or something I don't know if it's different. Maybe you could suggest that SS ask her what the confidentiality rules are?

The other thing is, it doesn't sound like him just telling the C will do much good anyway. I guess she can help him with ways to deal with the temptation (if there is any)... but seems like your H is pretty determined not to let this mess up his party pad. Even if she tells him to get it out of the house I doubt that he will. If H is honestly listening to her and following through then it might be worth it though. Or... if it will cause a call to the probation officer that could get something to happen legally... that might also be worth it. I dunno, it's a tough call.

About the song lyrics - oh my gosh. That would really get to me, too. Your H is either truly clueless, or downright cruel. Or maybe he was worried you might finally be pulling away some and he had to dangle another carrot in front of you. Ugh.. I know, no assumptions and don't even bother trying to figure him out.. but that is just awful.

I guess the question is how do you detach more so that this stuff doesn't tear you up so bad? So you can respond as if it's just some random band guy showing you song lyrics and you can honestly say how good they are but not have it send you into a tailspin?

Does it require going dark on him? Distancing yourself more? What do you think it would take?

I thought this was interesting, too...

"Dad's music is good and everything. And maybe it could go somewhere- but what is more important? Family or music? It's family that is supposed to be most important. A person should pick FAMILY first and then music."

yup.

While I agree with you and with your SS... obviously, your H does not. Maybe he did at one point and this is just a weird "blip" for him or maybe family truly never was his top priority. You and SS don't get to decide what's most important to him. - his life, his choices (and, his consequences).

On your SS living with you, that's such a tough call! I guess this may sound selfish but I think it may be time for you to get a little selfish... just my opinion but if you're not sure you can handle it or it's what you want, I don't think you should offer. I think you've got so much work to do on loving yourself, respecting and taking good care of yourself emotionally, and having your SS there and all his problems to deal with too would just make it that much harder.

It would also really limit your choices about what you want to do in your life. You wouldn't have that option to just up and move to Australia for a year or something. Not that you're planning on it! But I just see you on the brink of finally turning your focus to yourself and taking ownership of your future, and when you do, I would hate to see you held back because your life's too wrapped up with SS's.

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

((Trixi))

Hope that you're feeling a lot better since your last post.