Listening and Learning

[lovehimso]

Wow Beth! I would be overwhelmed, too! After going SO long with no contact, you finally get an honest, revealing, and what I think was a productive interaction with your H. I'm so glad that it went well, and that you feel good about it!

I then broke almost every DB rule in the book on gut instinct. I told him that he is someone I want to have in my life. He is still my best friend and the most interesting and intriguing person I know. I told him that I have come to realize that I accept him for who he is and would like to have him in my life as he is.

It's hard when those instincts kick in, huh? I don't know that you broke the "rules" so much, Beth. I am still quite the "newbie" at this myself, and not a very successful one so far, so maybe a veteran will disagree with me. But I don't see what you said as "pleading" or "begging". I guess it could be construed as "persuing", since from what I can gather, ANY comments about how you feel about your spouse, or your R, can be construed that way. I guess it's all in how the S perceives it. You were just stating how you felt, plain and simple. And as long as you don't do it over and over and over again, to the point where it becomes annoying to your H, I think it is okay to let him know how you feel right now, especially since so much time has passed and you haven't communicated. At least he knows where you stand, and I don't see anything wrong with that. He's free to do with that information what he wants. I didn't see any "pressure" in your comments.

He agreed with my assessment. He then said I seemed very open to things. He asked what I had done to get here.

Wow! Seems like he's seeing you in a "new light", and asked you to open up to him about your "journey"! I see this as a very good sign!

I said I could see us getting a divorce and then getting a cake to celebrate the death of the labels and the beginnignof the best relationship we ever had. He agreed saying that was "so us."

I find this so brave! I don't know that I could be strong enough to do this! If this is how you truly feel (and I'm guessing it is, because you took your wedding rings off today), then I say, if a D is what you guys need to restore and reestablish your R, and you're both comfortable with it, maybe that's what you need to do! I hate to say that, because a D is what we are all trying to avoid, but really, isn't what we're really all looking for is a solid, strong R? I personally need the "label", but that's just me. It isn't the "traditional" route, but hey, whatever gets the job done, right?

More DB rulebreaking: I asked him to see a movie with me Christmas day and he said that sounded like fun.

Well, he responded positively, so I would just keep that "date" light and fun! No pressure, just two people hanging out together.

As we walked to our cars, I said I had an idea but he was free to tell me it was too much too soon. I asked him to join me in Tango lessons. He said he would like to do that. We will start taking them after New Years.

Again, another positive response. If it were me, however, I would do the movie thing, do the dancing lesson thing, and then let him make the next move. Stand back and see if HE startes to pursue YOU. If your dance lessons are weekly, he'll have plenty of opportuniy. I would still play it a little "mysterious"; after the lessons, I would just say "goodbye" and not linger. Again, I'm not great at taking my own advice, and I'm just sort of spitting out what I have heard the guys here say about how to get a man to "notice" you. So, any guys/DB veterans out there, please correct me if I'm giving Beth bad advice!

He got out of the car to hug me. It was a tight, close great hug and I said how good it felt. Then as I was pulling away from him, he kissed me on the mouth. It was just a peck, but it was the best peck ever.

How wonderful that must have felt! You told him you would be open to this kind of affection and he responded. Yay!

I have no idea where we go from here, but I am feeling good.

I don't think you can know, but someone here on the board always says, "slow and steady". Don't get too excited and start trying to make more and more "dates", since he seems interested right now. You don't want to make him get "cold feet". Follow through with the plans you've already made, try to keep your next meetings light and fun, and watch and see.

I think you are doing SO GREAT Beth! You should feel good! Take some time and let this all sink in. Reflect on it. You have the time, which is nice. As you know, my H is around all the time, and sometimes I feel like I am on a train with no brakes. I don't really have time for my emotions to settle after an interaction with him, and that just sets me up for failure in our next one. You've got a great situation set up right now. You'll see him next week for a movie, then weekly, I assume, after the New Year for dance lessons. Often enough for him to see and feel the changes in you, but far enough apart for some "thinking" time, for both of you. Ideal, I think!

I'm so glad you updated us Beth! Keep letting us know how things are going. Even if I don't post a lot, I always keep up with your sitch.

Have a great "rest" of the weekend!
LHS