Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

Back as promised (or threatened, or something.. ).

If I try to quote everything back this is going to be even longer than my normal way long posts so I'll just try to reply in order and hopefully it makes sense.

Thanks for asking about our "something bigger!" Right now, it's surviving through the holidays! Just kidding.. but on a serious note I have been giving it a lot of thought. Things have been really, really weird with us.. it's like we're both stumbling around trying to make things better with neither of us having a clue how to do it. Once we get through the holidays I'm definitely planning to get more active on my thread and look for ideas! I think the biggest thing is I let a lot of my GAL'ing and detachment go... need to work on that. But beyond that, we do need that shared goal too.

Now back to you...

Going back a bit - did you have fun with your friend and the lunch/puzzle? Sounds fun! Nice and low key too, which seems right up your alley. And hey, added bonus that he's cute..

Interesting CDs you were listening to. The theory on dating (keep options open until you're engaged)... I dunno if I totally buy into that, I do think there's an in between of "long term committed R but not engaged yet," but I think the MESSAGE behind it, the loving yourself enough to do this, is really good. Being yourself and no eggshells - boy does that sound wonderful. Good advice.

Back to your newer posts..

Once again I just have to say I am SO sorry that you're having to deal with all this stuff with your SS.

Do you see what's happening with your H? Just as you worried about - he's dangling that carrot just enough to use you to drive him around. And now his RM too?? Ridiculous.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with the whole roommate situation, particularly WHY I think it might be bothering you so much. There is undoubtedly some projection here based on my own sitch but there are things going on, and things you're doing/saying, that feel awfully familiar to me.

Let's ignore the genders (and gender preferences) of H and RM for a minute. With the exception of sex, their relationship reminds me 100% of an affair. Even your reaction to it "reads" to me the way I'd expect you to be talking about "OW" if there was one. You know the WAS-in-an-EA script, right? Wife angrily throws cell phone records in H's phase and says "WTF is up with all these phone calls to this girl?!?!" The H replies... "She's just a friend!" Sound like your H's response to SS?

It REALLY reminds me of the EA/OW in my sitch. It was so freaking obvious it was happening right in front of my face and yet I STILL didn't see it or understand why it bothered me so much for a long time. I went from uncomfortable to disliking to downright hating her - couldn't believe the inappropriate stuff she did and said right in front of me. And I let it keep happening for an LONG time, nearly a year, because my own self esteem and self worth was SO low, and so wrapped up in how my H perceived me. Going back to the CDs you were talking about, in a lot of ways it was because I didn't love myself enough. I always put WAY more of the blame for the inappropriateness, the problems in my M, all of that on her - much much easier than looking hard at my H's role and decisions (not to mention my own!).

Your H is treating you poorly, using you when he needs you and ignoring you the rest of the time. He's living it up in his new "rockstar" lifestyle, spending all his time and I would imagine much of his emotional energy (via the music) with this friend. He's getting to cake-eat big time because you're right there for him every time he decides to throw you some scraps, and you'll even sleep with him if he tries just enough. But he still gets to parrrtayyy at home in his new fun fun fun life. Sounds at all like the "honeymoon phase" of a new R to you? The DUI's messing that up a little bit... but even then he has you to help with the "tough stuff" with SS, and even drive him around (and yippee, now you're driving "OW" around too!).

Did you know that I actually drove H and the OW in my sitch home after the 3 of us went to a party (1.5 freaking hours away!!! but "she really wants to go" and so, we went). We got all the way there and she giggles and "oops, I forgot my driver's license! Guess you're driving home," tosses her keys to me, and goes and pours herself and H a shot. They proceeded to get hammered and OMG the drive home... awful. And I fully think the whole thing was intentional, at least on OW's part. She even almost ended up spending the night at our house. Does that sound like something your H and RM might do? It sure does to me. And.. if you're like me at that time.. you'd make it ALL about the RM being inappropriate, wrong, etc. When you step back a little bit and look at it you get a whole different perspective though. The tossing me the keys wasn't wrong.. the whole freaking situation was completely wrong and out of whack. I wanted my M so bad I was willing to be a total doormat and even help my H continue his EA! At the time, I was furious and angry and full of hate for her. A bit pi$$ed at H too, but her... oh man.. it was ALL HER FAULT. Of course I wouldn't say anything to her face though, just bitch at H about it later while he defended her. Sound like how you'd react to RM in a similar situation?

Today when I look back at those situations my emotions run from sadness to anger - but not at her. At H, and mostly at myself for not loving myself enough, for having NO boundaries, for letting myself feel so worthless. In my head I can actually picture myself going back and shaking that sad girl sitting on the couch waiting for the party to be over and say "WTF are you thinking? You're worth more than this! Get the he!! out of here and don't EVER subject yourself to this kind of situation again." In fact... it took my friends here, plus a very strong woman who I admire deeply who I know IRL, telling me something along those lines to finally shake me out of it.

Sorry, kind of off on a tangent there! Like I said I'm SURE that there is some projection... but does any of this "fit" to you? It sure seems to me like it might. i.e. the RM bringing up the Halloween party... yeah OK saying what he said was kinda lame, but it was probably about 1% of the problem. The other 99%, I'm betting, is that it reinforced how bad off your M is right now, how little you're part of H's life, and just maybe a bit of not loving or caring about yourself enough to say "ENOUGH!" What do you think?

This post is already geetting really long! So I'll submit now, and then talk about the rest of it in the next post.