Thanks, S, thought you were mad at me or something, LOL!
It is terrible to be forced to do something that goes against everything you believe in, everything you stand for. I keep putting it off because it is so not what I want to do.
You know, going through this journey, I realize that I am proud of who I am. I am not perfect, by any means. But I have realized some things about me that make me feel good. It takes two to make a marriage, two to break it. I know this.
For a long time my therapist would get me angry but always 'sticking up for me' whenever I tried to speak about my part. And I finally said to her, you know, you are not helping me by never letting me take ownership.
This is what she said. B, you were depressed and filled with anxiety and that made it difficult for your h. I get that. But after a year and a half with you and twenty five years doing this, I have to say something.
She said, I see who you are, the kind of person you are. I cannot allow you to take the kind of blame that you have been taking. You are a good person, kindhearted and loyal to a fault. You are easygoing, funny and you love to laugh. You are a loving mother, a wonderful sister, a good friend. You never lied, cheated, or broke your vows. You encouraged your h to go where he wanted to, he bought whatever he wanted, you felt he should because he works so hard. You tried your best to live up to the high standards your h expected.
So, she said, yes, you were depressed, sick. If the situation were reversed, I can guarantee you would have helped your h, stood by him.
And because of all this, I cannot continue to listen to you take all the blame or even half of it. He chose to do the wrong thing. No matter what, in a marriage, no matter how bad, that is not ok.
So, I am starting to feel that I am ok, I am proud of who I am and what I stand for. And I do not have to take all the blame. I continue to grow, I continue to be true to myself and true to who I am and I strive to do things for which I can be proud.
