Ava, I think you and I are married to spouses with depression. No matter how hard we try to cheer them up, bring them out of it or support them... it is always with them. I know I'm just worn too thin now to deal with it anymore. When times were good for us, nothing was ever good enough for her. Instead of seeing how blessed our lives are and the good in life, she sees a dim dark world and the bad things around her. Cynical people are just no fun to be around.
Now that we are stricken with actual bad times and there is something real to worry about, it is that much worse with her. The time in which it would be great to have a little loving support from her, she is just going that much deeper into her deep dark hole.
I do love her so much, but you are right I think, it never reaches her heart. As much as I try to reach her and fill her with love, it never happens. Unable to let go of her, yet never reaching her either... God it hurts so much to feel this loneliness. It is a sadness and mourning about the loss of how things could have been different. I know I look back at us in the beginning of our marriage and see the possibility of such great joy and a beautiful partnership. There was a time when we did have joy in our life together... now all of those dreams have been dashed on the rocks. I'm not sure what changed in her and myself... it just isn't the same now.
I'm still trying hard to pull myself up again. I know I can do it and I will be better in time.
Be well this Christmas and post when you can again Ava. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers.
