She brought a Christmas present for my S11 by when she dropped off my S2 this morning...I thanked her for it and went inside. Last week, I forgot to mention, she brought some clothes that she picked up at her job - for my sister's daughter...
I don't know...I'm getting kind of bewildered about my emotions myself...NW - you asked about resentment...and no, it doesn't feel like resentment at all...Rather, I'm just starting to see things maybe a bit differently - namely that if she does not want to be with me, and does not see value in me or being with me -that is her loss - not mine. I had been focused for so long on what I felt like I was losing that I had not really thought enough about what she is giving up - and the truth is, she is giving up a lot - and if she doesn't want what I have to offer someone, well, I'm certain that I'll eventually find someone that will.
It does still upset me that we'll be spending this Christmas apart - and that I won't have S2 with me - but something will have to chance over time - and I will have him with me as my S11 and I travel in the future. As for having my W in my life? Honestly, as I just think about who she has become - and how she behaves...I just don't want to be with her anymore. I don't think she wants to change or improve herself at all - there's just no sign of it - and I don't want to be with a person like that.
I have my share of wounds from my childhood - there was a lot of pain and abuse - but I won't let the past ruin my present or my future any more. Not so with my W - she is willing to let the present be ruined and dictated by the past - and she knows this - and will not stop it...and so I cannot be with her. Would it be different if she told me she wanted to work on us and also work on herself? Absolutely - but that's not where we are - or where we're going...and I just don't like this person she has become...I still love her, but I just don't like her...at least that's how I feel right now...
