I am doing well but still up and down , forward and backwards at times. But that is life. I am not thinking reconcile so much anymore. I dont know the proper term for it either. More like rebuilding so it never breaks again, building on top of the crack that has since been covered by effort tears and heartache both mine and my husbands'.
I am trying to take it one day at a time and focus in the good. We are re~ learning how to interact. And so while he focuses on the 12 years between us? I can only see the last few weeks of effort. We have been lost and blind for a very long time. How do find one another and hold onto each other w/o the growing pains to ruin the moment? You can't~
I wanted to ride of into the sunset behind him on a beautiful horse. And he also wanted to be my knight. Not so... we are riding together but it is more of a walk together. We are walking together and we falls down into the sludge and mud. I need to be there to help pull him out. he has to have strength enough to help pull himself out. I cant pull him out alone. And he has been willing but it gets ugly and stinky at times. We come to a river and go in and rinse off the sludge and then we keep walking. A little more aware and a little more in touch with one another.At the end of the day we lay together and a few times it has been lonely but mostly it has been good. I try not to get too upset when he gets stuck , I try to see he is human. Pinch myself and remember Ava he is Human ..... he is broken too. Put out your hand out and keep extending it with love and compassion. I used to put it out and not expect for him to put his out, to be in a constant state of he is going to let me down. Now he tries to return the extension of his hand. He is confused.... He is thinking..... why is this hard ? Isn't everything supposed to be perfect now? I am trying.. but there is no magic wand. No fancy little colored pill to take so that everything goes right. You have to unpack all the bags and let go of resentment. I have let it go and then it wants to come back and take residence in me. I am re~ reading Stosny and working towards the day when we dont have to rinse off all the sludge in the river. When we go to the river to appreciate that we may have fallen down and gotten dirty but we are doing it together and we can keep walking along this path together...... we will look into each other eyes and be grateful for all the love and hard work we have put in to keep our lives as one.
I want to grow old with this Man and wake up feeing blessed. For now I wake up and I feel blessed cause I have kept my M together but at times get weary when I know I still have work to put in. I am up for the fight ..... There will always be ups and downs but right now it is time to put in much effort. Take and God bless Merry Christmas. ~Ava
