It's Complicated!

[naej]

Glam I am sorry you are feeling so down and sad but very understandable given how H is behaving. Maybe you have been setting too much store by what you perceive as baby steps. None of us can know the outcome and 3 years is a long time to see no significant change.
You said

Not so sure, how I can recover from this. Not feeling good about the direction we are headed.

How about feeling good about the direction YOU are headed?
What things is Glam going to be doing for Glam in 2009?

[glamgirl]

I really don't get it. I am thinking that my h is just so consumed with pride that he can't break him self out of that thinking and do what is right for the kids.

How could staying away from everyone at Christmas, be better? Now last year, he stayed away and then when he finally surfaced he said he had a rough 5 days. Well if it's rough then WHY stay away.

I am at a loss here. A big part of me just wants to move on and I guess that means without h. Not that I am not doing that already, but the fight doesn't seem worth it.

[glamgirl]

Naej thank you. I do feel good about the direction I am headed, thanks for reminding me. I just feel like this nightmare is starting all over again and I don't want to be in this spot again in 2009. Progress has been made, but just give something back to me. Let me know that I am important in your life.

[MidwesternGirl]

Staying away means he does not have to deal with the pain head on or the guilt.

Let's look at this a different way: maybe if he does not show up, it will do him some good to feel the loss of loved ones when you all are supposed to be together.

He would have plenty of time to think and stare at the walls, won't he?

[glamgirl]

I know part of my thoughts are scattered and eratic today and I am emotional, how could I not be. What is my h afraid of?

[glamgirl]

MWG at least you made me laugh. Yes, he will have about a whole week to stare at those walls and think and think and think.

[SirPrizeMe]

you're up early, GG !
What is he afraid of? I don't know, but he is afraid. Afraid to accept responsibility. To give up his independent budget. To be on-call as a father.

Is it fair to say that the pain you are feeling has to do with him not meeting your expectations? I know you want him back. But it seems like the suffering you are experiencing right now is due to the fact that he is not doing what you expect a "normal" father and husband to do.

Ok, now let's imagine a time 6 months in the future.. careful now... gently... where he is not around at all. Imagine (just a thought experiment) that you've decided enough is enough and you are "moving on" without him whatever that means.

In 6 months, with no H, will you have...
- more financial support from him? Maybe in the short term. but long term?
- more of his time with your daughter?
- more time with a friendly face to talk to, in the evenings?
- more time in bed with your lover?
- in short, more of what you want?

I am not telling you what to do. But it seems to me that pushing out your husband, won't get you the things I think you want.

Getting a *new* husband might do that. or a new partner to help with all those things. But pushing him "officially" out won't get you those things.

I feel like too many times we act and think negatively, we move away from something, rather than toward something. If his actions really are damaging to you, then by all means take care of yourself. But if his actions are best characterized by "not meeting your expectations" - and I'm not sure that is accurate, you will have to decide that yourself - but if that is the case, then... it seems like the easiest short term, and maybe long term, approach is to adjust your expectations.

This is the GAL thing in the book. Become more independent. Arrange better daycare options so you can go to work with or without your husband's support. if necessary recruit your 20-year old son to watch the baby. Or arrange professional child care.

What else? get some friends - get moving and stop being lonely and pining for him. Get a better money situation. This might require external authority - like his parents or sister or an attorney and a court order. That might sound scary but it can be done gently.

I'm sure you could think of other things along these lines.

I agree with MWG, he seems a little controlling with the "go buy some chocolate" incident, and his passive/aggressive approach to childcare support. But if you don't want to feel controlled, what can you do for yourself? Becoming more independent yourself might help.

[glamgirl]

Thanks Sir, you always have a different perspective. Yes maybe I did have some expections of my h about coming for the holidays. Well why wouldn't I since he mentioned back in Nov when we were shopping and I asked if he was coming for Christmas and his response "of course". Now back in my mind I felt I couldn't trust his decision and then here I am left disappointed.

I do toy with the idea of getting "a new husband". Who doesn't. At least with a "new husband" I wouldn't be spending the holidays alone or sleeping alone. I know that might sound strange, but I like being M and I like the family stuff.

I just wanted those things with my current h, but if I am an aggravation to him then why would he want to be with me?

[MidwesternGirl]

I know part of my thoughts are scattered and eratic today and I am emotional, how could I not be. What is my h afraid of?

He is afraid of coming home to the responsibility of having a family, being under one roof.........

[SirPrizeMe]

Yes, MWG is right.

At least with a "new husband" I wouldn't be spending the holidays alone or sleeping alone. I know that might sound strange, but I like being M and I like the family stuff.

No, that does not sound strange at all. It sounds very familiar to me. I know the feeling. I know the feeling.