I wanted to follow up on Lanzo's post and express my agreement.
Over the past 9 months, my h has seen and commented on the changes in me. I won't go on about all of them here, but it is clear he sees me differently. He just doesn't want to be with me, not now, maybe not ever.
He is on his path, a journey he has to take and yes, it involves another woman. There is nothing I can do to change that. He will either get her out of his system at which point he may be interested in our relationship again, or she may become part of his life. In any event, there is nothing that I can do.
Truly realizing this and accepting it, I have decided to date casually. I've entered into an e-mail exchange with a very nice man and we will likely meet .... and this is good for me, despite my feelings for my h. I'm getting opportunities to try out my new relating behaviours and I'm getting the kind of positive feedback that is reinforcing those behaviours, helping me to heal and become even more whole.
Trying out being with other people will not be what prevents my h and I from reconciling. We won't reconcile because either one or both of us doesn't want to be with the other.
And truly, I now know that I love my h in the kind of way that means that if his greater happiness lies with another woman, I can only wish and hope that for him. Waiting for him to tell me that is the case, is not good for me or for our relationship. I don't believe that our growing friendship tells me anything about the prospect of a potential reconciliation; it only means that hostility and bad feelings would not bar it. In the end, I don't have to earn his love or martyr myself for it; I deserve to be chosen. And he is not free to make that choice until he has decided, for himself, whether being with the other woman is where his happiness lies. Even if he decides not to be with her, there is no guarantee he will choose to be with me.
