It's Complicated!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Glam.

I don't have any good advice for you. I have only been going through my sitch for 9 months now, and I don't feel I'm doing very well at all. When I see stong women like you who choose the difficult path of unconditional love and give of themselves for years like you have, it humbles me. It makes me feel so inadequate. But it also inspires me!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are a remarkable lady and you deserve to be happy. Only you can say when enough is enough and I don't think anyone could fault you for it if you did that. But, having said that, it seems to me that there is good reason for hope in your sitch. The fact that your H spends time with you and wants to go to social occaisions as a couple, and kisses you goodbye! I envy you that!

Right now, I don't ever see my H getting back to that point, much less reconciliation.

So, hang in there! And I hope you make many warm memories this Holiday Season.

[Silent Chrleader]

I soooo echo your thoughts about wanting to be loved and wanted!!!! I've been with my H since I was 17 years old, so this being alone stuff is like a foreign land to me. It sucks!!!

[glamgirl]

Thank you so much SC. I will have to read your sitch. Don't lose hope. I once had a restraining order against me and h said he was never coming home. I too thought everything was hopeless, but I have come a long way. It has taken years though. This is not a quick journey by any means.

I just feel hopeless tonight. This too shall pass.

Now I have such a big headache from crying. I just don't want to spend my time crying over what I can't control, but I do feel so sad tonight.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam,
I don't have lots of advice, but I'm sorry to hear that your H is disappointing you again. I'm with you on the boyfriend thing! I want someone in my life that cherishes me and is fun to be with!

I still think your H is showing a lot more signs of progress than a lot of others on these boards, so I think this is more of a "blip" than a major detour for your R. I'm not saying, "Oh, don't worry, look on the bright side, everything will be fine, look how many people are worse off than you, lah di dah." I know it hurts. Go ahead and be hurt, be angry if you need to. But I think that after a bit of time, you can get past this and move forward.

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[SirPrizeMe]

I know whatcha mean, GG. Ya get tired. Why does it have to be so hard? to get along with one another, I mean? It doesn't seem like it should be so hard.

[Silent Chrleader]

A restraining order? Wow, you have come a long way, Baby!! Now, that is truly amazing. You aren't just strong, you're f**cking WONDER WOMAN!!! My H told me early this week that he remembers laying on his bunk on the sub (Navy) and think that he didn't want to come home and wondering if it would bother him if I died! [Now that was a lovely thing to hear!]

We had agreed to spend X-mas together at our dream house we just finished building up on a mountain. Instead, the house is going up for sale (Yes, wonderful economy to be selling a house) and my kids and I am going to my mother's for X-mas dinner.

And my S17 and I are moving into an apartment on January 9th, so H can move back into the house to do work that is needed so we can sell it too!

Ain't life grand??

[MidwesternGirl]

glam

your husband has some very strong control issues, imo. it is as if he does not want anyone else around and maybe it is because he does not want anyone to see the way he is and feels he has to put on his best behavior?

if he says he does not want to come over for christmas just tell him you are sorry he feels that way and drop it. i would not even bring up christmas day again.

from where i sit, the issue he needs to work on is defintely his control over you and how it makes you feel.

i am not sure i have helped any but really, you do not want him spoiling the day for you and your family and your sister. if he comes over fine but do try and make it a good christmas for you, your kids and your sister.

[plentyhope]

GG,

So sorry that you are sad tonight, about your H not showing up for Christmas.

First, there is still time for your H to change his mind after thinking more about the conversation tonight. I am sure he will be processing the conversation.

Second, it's not hopeless, especially since he's going to go to a Christmas party with you, AND he still offered to come over to help on Saturday!

Maybe he just feels uncomfortable about spening time with your family. He's not even spending time with his own family (parents, etc.). Maybe spending time with your family would remind him of what he is missing out with his family.

((((GG)))) You have come so far. It will be OK. The battle is not yours, but God's.

And also, God is there to comfort you. Remember that He is crying too, when you cry.

[MidwesternGirl]

I am thinking that when he says these things to you, the next thing he seems to do is ask if you still need him to come watch the kids which is his way of attempting to smooth things over:

i don't like that your sister has to be here with us but if i ask if my wife still needs help, maybe she will forget about what i said or the way i acted

in other words it is like putting a sugar coating on top of something and making it a little better

he knows how to get your goat and in a funny kind of way, i also think he says these things because it empowers him to a degree.

if you were to say those things to him the way he says them to you, it would backfire big time.

yes, you have done a pretty good job but as i said in a previous post, i think this is an issue for you to first talk to the C alone, then together

[glamgirl]

Well I guess I cried most of the night. PH my h won't change his mind. It's like the C appointment that he missed awhile back. Once his mind is made up it's made up.

I don't want to have false hopes that he would change his mind at the last minute. I know him too well, he won't. It won't be in him to do that. He is not the spontaneous type.

I feel like this is going to be 2009 as well. I know I have fast forwarded a year ahead, but I don't see this as changing. This is the 3rd year that h has been away. What would be different next year. Nothing!

It's as if my life has turned upside down yesterday. I don't feel like going on like this is 2009, just to have the same thing happen at the end of the year again.

I know that some will say you don't know what will happen next year. That is true, but what is going to happen that hasn't already happened in the last 3 years to make us a priority in h's mind. I see nothing!

We bought gifts for each other and right now I feel like just taking them back to the store. I am really not sure what is in the future for us now. I find my h making selfish decisions again.

How much has he grown? He doesn't see me as someone he loves but someone that agravates him. H's words.

Not so sure, how I can recover from this. Not feeling good about the direction we are headed.