I am sorry you are so down. Yes it is a long road. And I also think my H is depressed. And $ woes. He has stopped taking his meds. So his moods are up and down again. Yuck~ I am there for him and try to remain positive but sometimes it is hard when he is anger or just numb a lot. Sadly he recently said < I have not changed and instead of things getting better they are getting worse> I think to myself WTF? I keep it to myself. He is very unhappy inside at times and I alone cannot cure that , he must. Also right now we have $ issues and he is sill trying to Go on Vacation ? He asks for my support and to make decisions now and hwen I do he says..... I dont care Ava..... I dont know. WTF? I told him he needs to go back on his meds. He was getting better. I get very sad Cinco. Cause I love him so much and it never reaches his heart. And then the other day his eye was roving so much at a Girl in a restaurant .... I didnt know if I was over reacting or not? I said nothing but felt hurt. I know Men look etc etc..... but since we left home he is dry , very dry to me and that hurts too. I remember what you said and that it is stress but it still hurts. It also hurts sometimes to think that he doesnt really know me yet?~!
When I picked him up at the airport and I waited 3 hours cause he missed his flight ( he had a burger and a beer ) . I was all smiles and we hugged and then when we got in the car it went down hill. I wont go into to details... Suffice to say he said I was an idiot for caring where his hand was. I put it on my thigh cause I like it and it gives me comfort. He said it shouldnt f*cking matter if it is on the dash or where the hell his hand is. There is no difference and I am stupid. I love him but wonder if he will evr grow out of his anger and if he will ever really see me? It breaks my heart sometimes and I weep too.
I am so sorry you are in pain Cinco. I think you are mourning the loss and what could ahve been and all your hopes and dreams. I will keep praying for you and I hope you and I both will be in a better place emotionally next year.
I have to work on being Happy even when he isnt. Ugh~ I have always struggled with this. I just want to help and he feels I dont.
take care...... I wont be able to sign on again after today for a bit unless we stop somewhere and the have WIFI~ So take care and Feliz Navidad. be easy on yourself and remember that you are doing your best and you arent trying to hurt anyone. You can do this and you wont spiral out of control. You are a different Cinco. Empty encounters wont fill the void. Take some time for you first. Scream , cry and hurt and vent and heal. You first , then the world. K? Love, Ava
