Sorry to read how things are going for you. Lately, I have been going through some "downer" thoughts about the inevitibality of my own sitch, but I don't want to hijack...
Quick question - Do you think you would have the same thoughts if things were going better on the job hunt? Are the unemployment frustrations causing you to overanalyze things with your W more than is healthy? Not saying it is, just asking the question.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Jayce - That's pretty close, we have a great brotherly/sisterly love and that's about it. Also I think she just has no interest in sex. I already know it is not me or my performance either because I had pleased those OW's and very much so. I am finally coming to the sad realization that I either have to live like this and give up sex basically or move on and live honestly again, not having to squelch my quite healthy libido.
Talking to her OB/Gyn is out of the question and even if I could there is no desire on her part to really meet my needs. We really are that far apart, I am at the high end of HD and she is at the low end of LD. Even meeting me halfway would be a stretch for me. Most of our marriage has been at something like her rising 5% and me lowering 95%. No wonder I needed so much "supplemental" activity (porn etc.). My journey has been to "clean up" and have a healthy relationship again. Sadly she is just not up to what would be healthy for me with no desire to change.
CB - The unemployment sitch isn't helping my mood, but it is really separate from the R. Like I said above if her trying really hard is only resulting in 5% of what would really keep me happy, it just will never work. There's no fight left in me for her.
How are you doing? I am well but having some personal struggles. I am in Houston Tx right now it is huuuuuuuuuuuge here. ( visiting w / hubby) I am from a place that has 70,000 people. I feel so small town girl here. I have to find my center. I hope you are well and God blesses you . Have a wonderful holiday~ Ava
You know I was about to post on your thread and ask where you've been. I assumed holiday travels, I guess I was right about that. Yes, Houston is a huge place, that's where W's brother lives. Sometimes we visit there. I live in that "other" huge metropolitan area down here.
Physically I am doing very well. All healed and feeling quite normal...um.... down there again. I wish I could say the same about my marriage. I've been working on a letter to give W and will post it for input from everyone here when I get it closer to what I think I want to say to her.
I'm just really coming to grips with the fact that there is no hope for a change in her and no way I can go on in a relationship as it exists now. I keep hoping to live a life that is not possible with her. I want to live again and I can't wait any longer for her to join me in a full life of happiness.
I hope you and your family are all well. I've been praying daily for you all.
I am glad to hear from you. Just sorry, the news isnt different. I am glad you are going to live at your truth. I am actively pursuing that as well. it feels good for me and of course at times foreign. I wish there was a manual?!~!?
I have loving coined this phase of our R the "sludge." We are both going thru a lot and re ~ learning if you will @ one another. It gets ugly sometimes for me because of all of my pushing and avoiding my feelings in the past. I have been trying to chanel a Jackie O type of elegance and lady like ness.... WITH HUBBY~. and I have been coming off way more Old School Teacher with a ruler and NOT afraid to use it. DQ~ WOULD BE PROUD.
Anyway... Cinco You are also in my prayers. Please try and Have a Merry Christmas. Take care and be well, Ava
I hope and pray that love finds your heart. And that the love I am referring to comes from within. That you shine and God smiles upon you and fills you with a light so bright. You and your Wife deserve to be happy. Together or apart, and live a life full of more joy than sadness. My wish for you is to be happy and love the life God has blessed you with. Que Dios te bendiga, Ava Nora Jones ~ Feeling the same way
It touches my heart whenever I hear from you Ava. You always have such words of kindness for me.
I'm glad that you are continuing to make progress in your R. It is a long road once you get started on it.
I'm just having the blues right now. Blues bad enough that it is tough to not go spinning out of control again. I'm really fighting hard and praying NOT to do that. I have wept and prayed more than ever lately... gaining better control too.
I think I'll go listen to that whole Nora Jones Album now.
Ava, may God bless you and your family this Christmas.
I am sorry you are so down. Yes it is a long road. And I also think my H is depressed. And $ woes. He has stopped taking his meds. So his moods are up and down again. Yuck~ I am there for him and try to remain positive but sometimes it is hard when he is anger or just numb a lot. Sadly he recently said < I have not changed and instead of things getting better they are getting worse> I think to myself WTF? I keep it to myself. He is very unhappy inside at times and I alone cannot cure that , he must. Also right now we have $ issues and he is sill trying to Go on Vacation ? He asks for my support and to make decisions now and hwen I do he says..... I dont care Ava..... I dont know. WTF? I told him he needs to go back on his meds. He was getting better. I get very sad Cinco. Cause I love him so much and it never reaches his heart. And then the other day his eye was roving so much at a Girl in a restaurant .... I didnt know if I was over reacting or not? I said nothing but felt hurt. I know Men look etc etc..... but since we left home he is dry , very dry to me and that hurts too. I remember what you said and that it is stress but it still hurts. It also hurts sometimes to think that he doesnt really know me yet?~!
When I picked him up at the airport and I waited 3 hours cause he missed his flight ( he had a burger and a beer ) . I was all smiles and we hugged and then when we got in the car it went down hill. I wont go into to details... Suffice to say he said I was an idiot for caring where his hand was. I put it on my thigh cause I like it and it gives me comfort. He said it shouldnt f*cking matter if it is on the dash or where the hell his hand is. There is no difference and I am stupid. I love him but wonder if he will evr grow out of his anger and if he will ever really see me? It breaks my heart sometimes and I weep too.
I am so sorry you are in pain Cinco. I think you are mourning the loss and what could ahve been and all your hopes and dreams. I will keep praying for you and I hope you and I both will be in a better place emotionally next year.
I have to work on being Happy even when he isnt. Ugh~ I have always struggled with this. I just want to help and he feels I dont.
take care...... I wont be able to sign on again after today for a bit unless we stop somewhere and the have WIFI~ So take care and Feliz Navidad. be easy on yourself and remember that you are doing your best and you arent trying to hurt anyone. You can do this and you wont spiral out of control. You are a different Cinco. Empty encounters wont fill the void. Take some time for you first. Scream , cry and hurt and vent and heal. You first , then the world. K? Love, Ava
Ava, I think you and I are married to spouses with depression. No matter how hard we try to cheer them up, bring them out of it or support them... it is always with them. I know I'm just worn too thin now to deal with it anymore. When times were good for us, nothing was ever good enough for her. Instead of seeing how blessed our lives are and the good in life, she sees a dim dark world and the bad things around her. Cynical people are just no fun to be around.
Now that we are stricken with actual bad times and there is something real to worry about, it is that much worse with her. The time in which it would be great to have a little loving support from her, she is just going that much deeper into her deep dark hole.
I do love her so much, but you are right I think, it never reaches her heart. As much as I try to reach her and fill her with love, it never happens. Unable to let go of her, yet never reaching her either... God it hurts so much to feel this loneliness. It is a sadness and mourning about the loss of how things could have been different. I know I look back at us in the beginning of our marriage and see the possibility of such great joy and a beautiful partnership. There was a time when we did have joy in our life together... now all of those dreams have been dashed on the rocks. I'm not sure what changed in her and myself... it just isn't the same now.
I'm still trying hard to pull myself up again. I know I can do it and I will be better in time.
Be well this Christmas and post when you can again Ava. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Unable to let go of her, yet never reaching her either... God it hurts so much to feel this loneliness.
I can't say I know exactly what you are feeling but yes it hurts like hell. Even if if will be the right decision honey it is going to hurt like hell. I am very proud of you that you are going to be honest and find your truth. I truly am. And yet I cannot make you hurt any less. But just know that you are not evil ... you have done your best and you can look back one day and know that you have.
My H also had affairs... and for me it is sooooooo painful still at times. My fear of him doing it again is on me. But I must forge thru and grow and be a Woman. My H like you at times.... felt so lonely and isolated. I am not condoning it but I do see my part in it. When I have read @ x, y or z that your Wife still does. It has painfully remeinded me how I too took my H for granted. In the past. It is hard to look in the mirror and admit I do this and that and change those behaviors. Sure he had flaws. Sure he did this or that. But I was not w/o fault. I understand better now. God it has been brutal at times. I am the one who is dying for sex now and he is kinda like * eyes rolling*, he even gave me *chore * sex last nite and asked (* are you better now? *) OMG!~!~ I didnt take it too personal cause he has done this a handful of times. But I can see how it would erode your very core to be treated that way day in and day out. ( that is no way to live Cinco ) I also cannot flip out b/c back in my deep depression I believe I gave this ugly type of sh*t too. Oops~
I could see from your posts that your heart got heavier and heavier. I am sorry once again for your lonliness and pain. Keep the faith. Take care..... I am here for one more day I guess. I will keep in touch when I can. May God watch over you and hold you close .... Ava
My new way of looking at things is? Is this what God would want for me? Is this living at my best and my truth? If not what CAN I DO to change it? ( easier said than done.... but it can be done..)
