he is seeking sympathy and you have to not answer the phone. next time let him wonder....
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Took mwg up on her suggestion tonight and made xmas cookies. Shed a few tears but for the most part doing okay.
About an hour ago H called. Just to see what we were up to. Old patterns say he was wanting OW to come over or to go see her. I kept my suspisions in check didn't say a thing. I acted as if and told him I was baking cookies. We talked awhile. He was pretty edgy. and drunk. Tried like hell to pick a fight with me. I would'nt give. So then went to D17 talk. Wanted to know what is wrong with her. I said to ask her. He kind of went off a bit trying to pull my chain. Didn't work. I sat in silence while he ramble. Then he said "I know, she's like me. I can understand why she's upset but we need to talk about it". I just agreed. Finally he said "I need to go to bed. Just so you know, I'm here". I just ignored the comment and said bye.
I then sent him a TM and said "sweet dreams cheesenuts". He just text me and said "come see me". Hard Hard Hard for me to say no. BUT I sent one back that said "not until I am in your heart too, not just in your bed" His reply was "good night". I sent the first text again. And that was it.
I think the biggest reason I never say no is that I am worried that when I do he'll go to her instead. But you know that is a sick way of controlling him isn't it. If he wants to go to her he's going to no matter what I say or do. And if I am so easily replaced we don't belong together anyway.
thanks for listening...
The part about 'but you know that is a sick way of controlling him isn't it?'
You've got that backwards. You're not controlling him, he's controlling you. It's called passive/agressive.
He does nothing in order for you to have to do something...and in that way, he's actually controlling YOU, not the other way around.
Think about it. He knows that you will think he'll get 'it' from OW if you don't give it to him, so he knows he'll get 'it' from you because you're afraid of him going elsewhere.
More times than not there is a passive/aggressive personality in a marital crisis. And that person can always claim that they did nothing wrong, that it was always the other persons actions/reactions that caused the problems (although they were the ones that were directly affecting the other persons emotions).
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
MWG, thought about it, seriously. But we have this "issue", "pact", "agreement", about the phone. We have kids, the farm, livestock, etc...when I call him he NEEDS to answer the phone. So I try to give him the same respect so that he will answer when I call him. So when he called last night I really really didn't want to answer. I knew that he'd been drinking, I knew it probably wouldn't be good but I felt I HAD to answer. I think I did okay with how I handled it. I hope.
Sympathy maybe, I don't know. I just see that he is spinning so badly right now. He is so back to the same place he was a year ago and I really don't understand how it happened. I so truly believed we were so through that part of this. It seemed He had come so far. What the hell happened? I looked back in my journel and H hasn't been like this since early August. I am so friggin confused and frustrated!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I agree Creed. But it is still me meddling in his life. It's not letting him go to really decide on his own who he wants to be with, where he wants his life to go.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I have kids and a house and two dogs and anything could happen also but there is no way I would answer everytime unless something happened. I think deep down you want to answer each time he calls. You know that he will suck you in and you know that there are times he will be drunk.
I think you need to let go a little and not be so available.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
If he wants to go to her he's going to no matter what I say or do. And if I am so easily replaced we don't belong together anyway.
One of the strongest statements you have made in awhile. Hopefully you will even come to believe it completely at some point, because you could not be more right.
Quote:
He said "that's fine, gives me just another reason not to come back". I said nothing.
And this is nothing more than emotional manipulation by him. And take it for a sign that you were doing well at NOT entering in to his madness. He felt the need to provoke you with a statement that he has come to learn would send you running to his side.
As you begin to STAND for yourself and STOP being led around by the nose by this man, you will gain confidence in yourself and he will learn that such petty manipulation will not work.
Sounds like a good job done by you.
Now the key is to follow it up with MORE good jobs. CONSISTENCY!!!
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Morning all. I am supposed to have christmas today for my family and it snowed it is snowing and the winds are 25-30 mph. With wind chills up to 30 below. So I am putting the turkey in but don't know if anyone will make it to eat it.
I spent my day yesterday making christmas candy and cookies. What for I really don't know. I always take a big batch to Inlaws for xmas. This year I am not going so I guess I just give it away as gifts.
I ran into SIL at store yesterday. She asked if I was coming to xmas. I told her no. She said she understood but not to cut them out. I told her it had nothing to do with the family. That I love and will miss them all. But I have to do things differently now. It's time for me to let him go.
H came out about 2 with BIL. They came in and I just was oh happy go lucky. Spent most of the time talking to BIL. H was pretty quiet. D17 was here and you could have cut the tension between her and H with a knife. They worked outside most of the day. H changed the oil in my car. I caved a little bit. Selfish reasons. I asked H if him and BIL wanted to hang out here tonight so that he could push snow in the am for me. (because of people coming) He didn't commit one way or another. I told him no big deal if he didn't. He said we'll see and went back outside. They left after a bit.
Later in the evening I called him. (I know I know) I said "just checking to see if your coming back or not" he said "no we are at moms" I said "okay, thanks for changing my oil, talk to you later" he said "yea, no problem". So hopefully he comes this morning. If my sister makes it from her town I don't know if she'll make it down my road. I guess we'll see.
Well better go cook.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Later in the evening I called him. (I know I know) I said "just checking to see if your coming back or not"
One step forward when you declined drunk sex with him, two steps back when you called him.
Your husband is classic with the manipulation. I know because my xH is the EXACT same way. Sadly, I could see what he was doing (being passive aggressive towards me, manipulating me) and I still let it happen for soooo long. Not good for me. And not good for you either.
I understand about your in laws. I declined my in law's Thanksgiving offer for the same reason. I am going to Christmas though, as we are also celebrating D7's bday.
About asking H for the ride for your daughter. Here's a plan (what I do now), make ALL the arrangements yourself. Do not include H at all. If he comes along, wants to help, offers help, accept it and thank him (without gushing). This way he feels appreciated (something men like your H and my xH don't feel a lot) and you are covered and spared from disappointment when he doesn't follow through.
Glad you didn't go to him the other night. Even if he is struggling with what to do with OW, you turning him down made him realize that possibly, just possibly, he can't have his cake and eat it too.
toh, think about getting involved in some volunteer work. It will get you out of the house and get you interacting with other people. There you can be who you are and share your good nature with them. Visit a nursing home, take cookies or crafts or your painting to the elderly and fill their lives with joy. Animal shelters, food pantries, volunteer at church.
I hope your family day is fun and full of good times.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
