I'm just curious, what did OM have over your H? How long did it take you to realize he was not what you wanted, but your marriage was what you wanted?
I have worked a bit on this with my Councillor. 4 years ago i was a very different person than i am now. It is amazing how someone trained can show you how to change, how to think differently , how to improve yourself.
I was needy of attention, I needed outside compliments and attention. OM gave this to me. I have ( since stepping back ) seen him as someone who knew exactly what he was doing. He pursued, he wanted others to hurt ( his long time girlfriend and then wife had had affairs ), he was a womanizer and I presented myself as a willing accomplice. He was exciting , he paid attention and he was not about work. Don't get me wrong nobody twisted my arm, I thought i knew better and was clever. I felt I could have it all. I made a bad choice.
At no point did i see OM as having anywhere near the attributes that H had. H was a hard worker, fantastic father , loyal to me, and OM was not. I knew he lied, he has no ethics H had and he was hardly loyal to me, as he remained married. Sometimes i would look at H sleeping and think WTF am i doing and then the next day OM would start the texting or calling and we would meet. I felt bullet proof like H does now.
Once H found the texts I just wanted H to go away. Thought i did not love him, when really I was running from having to face up to my responsibilities of my actions. I really hated the pain h was in. Then after a while, meeting H C I realised that I did actually love H and lived with the guilt of what i did EXCEPT I then lied about the 2 physical meetings. I was afraid of the consequenses ( and as I am now separated, having told the truth- I was right to be scared ). H promised me that the truth was all he needed and that we could start again. That was not true.
H now does not answer my calls or texts. Not that I call very often as he does need his space , as do I. But I am trying to keep the family connected and feel that just exchanging info on kids is good for the kids and makes this all easier for them. i might have that wrong but i doubt it. I am sure H does feel distant from them, but i say nothing to them about their dad, I encourage contacting him and including him but it is hard when he wont talk. i also still think it is important that H knows that i am not and would not see any other man and by letting him know what i am up to helps that, but when i cant talk to him , it gets yukky.
I am hoping that all the kids will come to their cousins xmas service on xmas eve ( which we have done for last few years ) and I would love to ask H. But I am scared , he has scoffed in the past or not answered or ignored invitations or just not told me either way when i have issued invites and that hurts. How do i include him, or keep the kids happy when I am now at a point where I cant share stuff ?
I have no ulterior motives. I am not game playing. I just want to do what feels right to do without the pain. I know that we both need time and I also will never say never. I think if H was able to come to me and say lets start again and he wanted to be married that we could do it.
So it is hard to create positive situations. i am sure H wants to be involved . It must be hard for him not being with his kids and I know he is angry , that I am home with them and he is not, when it was my actions that triggered this whole situation. He is right.
