Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

Hi Julia, Opt, and Sep,

Thanks for checking in on me!

Julia-thanks for the virtual tea. I sure need something as this stupid sickness is just lingering. Somehow H got better in 2 days, perhaps because he actually stayed home and rested. Hopefully this weekend will be what I need. H was in contact, not as much as I'd have liked, but will explain more later below :). Thanks for quoting my phrase about staying in the house. I will need to keep that in mind. I am DBing every day by keeping my 180s alive, and I should never lose sight of how far we have come and what is still left to do...in my case I think it's mostly time, just time and consistency.

Opt-I do think that H will create another scenario in his mind about why things happened. On one hand I am pretty sure that part of him feels that it was a good thing because "I have improved" so much. Just a gut feeling, but I need to remember that phrase do I want to be right or do I want to be married. There will be no good to be gained from pointing out what he had been doing wrong, or how he unduly blamed me and the R for every problem in his life. I also think that he has lingering guilt, and only by focusing on the positive changes that I have made can he somehow justify his behavior. That's my amateur psychology guess, but I am pretty sure about the guilt since it seems to be common to all WASs. So when he got back from Poland we did just talk lightly about it, and yes my stomach was still in knots, but I managed to seem upbeat and unaffected, so I think this was a good first step. At some point I hopefully WILL be unaffected by any talk of Poland.

Sep-while I really don't think H and I needed the S-I had found DB 2 weeks beforehand, and I think we could have fixed things without the S, if I hadn't left to Poland, I am 90% sure he would have moved out. If he had moved out, I just don't know where we would be today. His pride might have prevented him from coming back, or any number of other nasty things. So, going to Poland did help in some ways I guess. In fact I am shuddering now just to think of what could have happened had I not left. Thanks for reminding me of this. I need to keep that in my heart and mind so that I am not tempted by the bitterness that creeps in every once in awhile. As for the vacation, yes I think it will be very good. In fact I have been listening to the 5 Love Languages (downloaded as an audio book), and I'm only on the 2nd language but I think I have ID'd both H's and mine already. I'm pretty sure his is "words of affirmation". I just think back to how much he would compliment me, and the times that he would ask me "what do you love most about me?" He was ALWAYS looking for affirmation, and I was very bad about giving it. In my case I am sure that it is quality time. This is why we'd have such massive fights about him doing things with me. I even found old journals where I would complain about H not wanting to do things with me. So, the trip will be good for me in terms of quality time. I will try to also build in affirmations to him in front of my ex, which will hopefully be doubly powerful...

So all, here is a brief synopsis of the past couple of days. H left to Poland on Wednesday, and the only thing I heard from him was a text that he'd arrived. I knew he had a holiday party that night, so no big deal. The next day we IMd and emailed back and forth for a few hours. He asked his travel agent to go ahead and book the flights to Brazil. I'd like to point out here that his company's travel agent sucks. I found much cheaper and better flights on my own, and the flights that she found put us over the allotted price his company will pay so we have to kick in 100E whereas with my findings we would have had 400E leftover to pay for accommodations. I bit my tongue though and did not complain. I could fix the tickets and make it all better, but I am not doing this...I am stepping back and letting him make all the decisions about the trip. I am just happy that he is so certain about wanting to go. I also went to his school to turn in a paper for him while he was gone. This made me feel good in a domestic sort of way, like I am his wife again. I had to go to his program office and say I was turning in a paper for my H...this was nice.

So I am often paranoid and second-guessing myself, and was pretty concerned that I hadn't heard from H after 2 PM on Thursday, and he was coming back Friday afternoon. I had all kinds of scenarios going through my head about how he was taking all of this time to think, and didn't want to talk to me, would come back and say he needed his space again. So I got home last night from work, and he was back. In fact he was so hungover that he was a little pathetic. Weird as this may sound, I was thrilled. He told me how he'd gone out drinking with his coworkers, had slept in, and almost missed the flight home. I actually think it's good that H is doing normalish things with others, and not sitting in his hotel room ruminating about what he really wants in life. So we talked about Poland here lightly and just a little bit, about how the locals love to drink vodka, how skinny the girls are even though the food is so heavy etc.

We just hung out on the couch and watched shows last night. I was sick and he was hungover, so we were a fine pair. He did make one interesting comment though. I mentioned some food I used to make for him when we lived in the US. He said "that was when you used to love me." These are the kind of comments he used to make when sick or hungover and he'd think I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I didn't think I heard this right as he hasn't said anything like that in ages, so I asked again, and he repeated it. I lost a golden chance to say that I loved him still, instead making some joke and blowing it off. I guess at this point I am still surprised at any mention of the word love. That's the 2nd time it's come up sort of indirectly in 2 weeks, so I think this is a good sign, but I do need to affirm it next time. I haven't taken any risks in awhile. I haven't tried for affection, haven't said anything about future plans etc. except in response to him, so I think I can be a bit more bold next time.

So H is going on a business trip AGAIN on Monday, for 2 nights. Of course I am likely to be paranoid again and 2nd guessing things. I think I need time to let the improvements sink in, and to believe they are real. I feel like we need to go through every sort of normal thing that we used to have come up in our lives, and make it through each of those events before I can feel totally secure again. Those things for me are both of us traveling without the other, a trip together, doing things with friends, and being around family. So all of these things are in the cards now. By the end of January each of us will have gone on trips independently, we'll have gone together, hung out with friends, and seen H's family.

Alright sorry for the novel. I just hadn't posted in a couple of days so had a lot to get out! Hope everyone has a good weekend...

ITH