Just wanted to jot some thoughts down today before sleep... I've been up and down today--had some moments this morning where I felt the edge or trace beginnings of missing w. but not necessarily needing her. That was weird. But I suspect that it may have been more connected to her email contact recently. Then later today, I found myself moving into the land of imagining she is out or with someone tonight, Friday night. Not such a good feeling.
And then I was getting so irritated by dating website profiles of countless women who have catalogue lists of attributes that the man needs to have to be "eligible". And I mean--it's pretty ridiculous on a lot of those profiles. I mean, no one person embodies all of those characteristics (and I love that the lists are full of contradictions or polarizations). It just seems to come from a place of entitlement--ie: "what are you going to be able to offer me / do for me?"
Granted, not all profiles are like this, but many seem to be. It bothers me because I wonder if the "I can have it all" mentality is part of what happened for my w. Maybe it's not even "have it all", just "I want someone other than you". Ugh. It's the commoditization of relationships, like ordering quantities or products from an online catalogue.
And then I get the replays in my mind--I wasn't exciting enough, romantic enough, sexual enough, fill-in-the-blank enough (and yet apparently I was the most attuned and emotionally responsive partner she has ever had). grrrrr. I'm still pretty bitter.
Okay, well I'm in a few knots over all these things!
