Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

okay my dear friends, I NEED your strength!

Took mwg up on her suggestion tonight and made xmas cookies. Shed a few tears but for the most part doing okay.

About an hour ago H called. Just to see what we were up to. Old patterns say he was wanting OW to come over or to go see her. I kept my suspisions in check didn't say a thing. I acted as if and told him I was baking cookies. We talked awhile. He was pretty edgy. and drunk. Tried like hell to pick a fight with me. I would'nt give. So then went to D17 talk. Wanted to know what is wrong with her. I said to ask her. He kind of went off a bit trying to pull my chain. Didn't work. I sat in silence while he ramble. Then he said "I know, she's like me. I can understand why she's upset but we need to talk about it". I just agreed. Finally he said "I need to go to bed. Just so you know, I'm here". I just ignored the comment and said bye.

I then sent him a TM and said "sweet dreams cheesenuts". He just text me and said "come see me". Hard Hard Hard for me to say no. BUT I sent one back that said "not until I am in your heart too, not just in your bed" His reply was "good night". I sent the first text again. And that was it.

I think the biggest reason I never say no is that I am worried that when I do he'll go to her instead. But you know that is a sick way of controlling him isn't it. If he wants to go to her he's going to no matter what I say or do. And if I am so easily replaced we don't belong together anyway.

thanks for listening...