WCW, I just found your new thread, but I have been thinking of you. They are taking our 3rd cutting of hay, and the guy doing it (we don't own equipment, just wagons) owns one of the horse farms that we sell to. Very nice folks with lots of horses. My niece rides out of there.
Anyway, as I had my coffee on the deck this morning and smelled the fresh cut hay I was thinking about all of you that I have met here. I had no idea that you were having such sadness. I will put you in my prayers.
Please try not to think that the timing of these problems has anything to do with the struggles you and H are having. Life is all about timing, but it usually doesn't have the meaning that we place on it.
Nothing in life lasts for ever. Nothing. The things that we love never last long enough.
I believe that we get these troubles as reminders to appreciate the good things, the love that we have (in it's various forms) while we have it. Everything is temporary.
I learned this well enough last year when I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt like I couldn't breath for about 2 weeks, and then I got the strength to open the door all of the way and look over the edge. You know what? Ain't none of us gonna get out of this alive, and I would rather have some advance notice so that I can appreciate everything (the good, the bad AND the ugly) while I can. I don't want to be one that gets in the car to go to work and just doesn't come home.
Yes, sometimes life sucks. Often it does. Especially when we start losing the things that we love. When we loose them one upon the other.
Look for what you can learn. Love while you can.
Sending love to you.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
It never fails that when one horse goes down others are soon to follow. It would always work out that right before a show someone would come up lame, and another wasn't far behind.
You have really been through the ringer and still hanging in there! You might need to feed the chickens more of that calcium powder if you don't have any extra shells to grind up for them!
Hi all, doing a drive by post - thank you for your thoughts and support. When things happen to one of my horses I feel so horrid because they depend on me to care for them and be responsible. It's tough on me when I let them down. For now, Big Black is already well ahead of the prognosis for him and doing good and Mr Cutie is not better but not worse so I'll take that as positive.
I posted this on a new thread started for me by lodo in Hopefulness - I'll probably go back 'home' to post there. Call me Dorothy. I am trying to get my head in the right place and focus on me instead of H. We had a small R talk when I handed him 2 books on our anniversary and asked if he would read them with me as I have not read them yet. One is Stop Blaming Start Loving and the other is The Marriage Benefit. He glanced at the titles and handed them back. I wouldn't take them, I said hold them and let it sink in. He said he wouldn't read any books.
He admitted what we are doing is not working. I said let's change it. We will each be okay by ourselves but we could be fantastic together. H said we've tried everything. I said we haven't even been close to trying and certainly not everything. H was quiet. I changed the subject, we went on with our separate days. By the time I got home late from everything and celebrated a young friend getting her drivers license H was home. I was abolutely dog tired, I put a lot of miles on the scooter to save fuel in my truck and I miss the comfort of my truck! I asked H if he would trade backrubs when his hunting video was done. At first he was going to say no but what came out was maybe. I said ok and went to bed. H followed in a while. I was so tired, I could not stay awake even to rub his back. H tried to start a ticklefest, I couldn't stay awake. H went back to the couch.
I'm burning a few days vacation. Originally I hoped H would join me overnight somewhere, then I was more realistic that I would go myself. Then all the trouble with the horses and I took that as a sign to keep my butt home.
Spending time doing a few of those fall projects, loving the sunshine falling on my face.
Wondering if H took time off in the morning and was home earlier than usual that night of our anniversary because I had asked him to acknowledge the day with me. He never responded in a way I understood, except now looking back he was home. Did I blow it?
Sorry my thoughts are so scattered. That's just like my work list!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Bumping this back up, lodo isn't around to holler at me anymore and I finished the thread he started for me over in Hopefulness.
Why does September seem so long ago but 5 years seems like yesterday?
Most days as far as H seem like the same stuff different day except he dangles new carrots or throws more crumbs.
Just last weekend I asked about him doing horse training and lessons again after I had numerous requests from John Q Public. H said 'probably'. That's a pretty big change in his attitude to pick that up again, and also would be a big help to fill the financial void from when he suddenly quit doing it 4 years ago.
The next day I almost clinched a deal to 'lease out' 2 horses which means someone else would be picking up those expenses. I'll know for sure after the holidays. H stood quiet without input. I always wonder what he is thinking but I've learned that I can't pry anything out of him. He is a man of few words even when he talks.
There are other things that makes me think he is really trying to deal with the havoc he has created over the last 5 years but his stubborness and pride are big hurdles that he can't make it over. Of course I don't believe that he just plain old doesn't love me anymore.
While H crawls along slower than a snail on Ritalin my patience has been growing thinner than ice on a heated water tank. I am pushing for change, any change. But I push pretty slow too. sigh.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
H came in the bedroom this morning and pounced on the bed. He was mimicking an action that I did the other morning to him while he was still on the couch. We ended up trading backrubs.
Sounds great? except that he was gone last night until after I went to bed. Maybe I should ask where he is, if I press hard enough I can sometimes get an answer that sounds true. Sometimes it's more effort than I have gumption to get the truth. Is it still ow? in my gut I don't think so, unless there's a new ow, but I don't 'feel' that there is.
Do you ever get so far apart that you know you don't want to go back to sharing everything? I mean that I do want an honest relationship but I don't think I can ever be as open as I was before.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I asked H where he was so late last night. He was 'working' at ows. Now the good news is that he actually told me where he was rather than just tell me it's none of my business. I understand many of his clients are at ows and he has to be there. That won't ever stop. The fact that he told me also makes me feel that he is not covering up an affair anymore because there is none any longer. When it was an affair he would never admit where he was unless I caught him red handed.
Just the mention of her though still sends me into an inner rage but I was very calm as I told H I know he doesn't give a rats a$$ about my feelings but that he has to decide what he wants and if it is with me it has to be real not what we've been doing for 5 years. He just looked at me.
We are invited to a Christas party tonight but it hasn't been mentioned since the invitation came. I have no clue if H plans to attend, and being it is party from 'his' circle I won't go if he doesn't. What I don't know is if he plans to go without me. I won't ask, and he doesn't have to come home for good clothes if he works today because he carries his clothes with him.
We have another party tomorrow night and I will go with or without him.
This morning we are halfway thru a monster snow storm and have over 6" already. We probably will get the 12" predicted, then more tomorrow and more on Sunday before the sub zero temps roll in! Ain't life grand!!!
I pretty much finished the little bit of Christmas gift shopping last night. Yeah!! I have to get motivated to wrap stuff now. I really don't have much ambition to do anything that isn't mandatory. blech.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
H was home and asked me to go to the party with him. We also stopped at one of his clients along the way. We had casual conversation on the drive each way and set a plan for the next day and one more party to attend.
Saturday I got home with just enough time to get critters fed and get in the shower and get ready for the party that night. H had been home working on stuff, could have taken a shower at anytime. He waited until just before I got back in the house, I didn't have time to wait so I joined him. Nice, H actually put his arms around me as we traded places under the water.
At the party last night it was H's position to make all the introductions around the room and tell how they contribute to the organization. I was the last person he got to, and what H said about me - "she is the engine for the whole thing." This is the organization that H is the president of!
A little more normalcy is surfacing in H. Yet he still has such a need to keep his secrets. I heard someone ask H how he was shooting and I asked H about it. Turns out he joined an archery league or something and shoots once a week. I just asked H if everyone knew but me? He shrugged.
The weather is brutal. It's a matter of surviving the next few days.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Will be back to read when I can.
Nice, H actually put his arms around me as we traded places under the water.