I'm just curious, what did OM have over your H? How long did it take you to realize he was not what you wanted, but your marriage was what you wanted?
I think the reasons for affairs and the people chosen can differ quite a bit. But I also think there are probably differences between the OP chosen when a spouse had an affair. In your case your H was fleeing the bad feelings from your A and I think OP, regardless of her personal attributes is bringing support and comfort for that. And yes, I agree that history and children have a lot of value and that's one thing you learn from the whole situation. You probably learned it and now hopefully your H eventually will too. But I think it's going to take time.
I think your H is going to have to work through the whole situation with the OW and hopefully he will eventually decide history, kids together and family mean more. This won't be something you can teach him. You will need to be patient and create positive situations in the present to help erase the negatives. The thing is he may come out of it and decide he wants the marriage with you, or he may move on. You can just do your best. Try to be a great parent and leave the "door open." Don't stand there trying to coerce him inside. Just live your life and hopefully he will realize it's safe in there, and that's where the best things in life really are.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
