Whether, what & when to tell kids?

[AlexEN]

At the risk of offending my WAW friends on these boards, I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to tell my children (8, 11, 14) something sooner rather than later about the fact that their mother wants a divorce (and that I do not). I also need to decide how much to tell them about her PA and current EA, which she denies (and how to do so age-appropriately)... I would really love to hear from WAWs (who've had affairs) why this would be so ill-advised. One obvious difference is that the WAWs on these boards ARE doing the introspection about themselves (which is something my W refuses to do; she's he*l-bent on divorce). If there were any such introspection, my patience would have no bounds, but without it, I think I'm enabling her to re-write history and to possibly marginalize me as a father to the kids.

Inside the mind of a wayward wife was posted on another board and said this:

In an attempt to divert the guilt and shame, and avoid all the hard work that a wayward intrinsically knows they will be faced with upon accepting the reality of what they have done, they look at the person they are married to as a scapegoat. They re-write history from before the A and convince themselves (mostly subconsciously, although some do it consciously) that the M was doomed from either the beginning, or the subsequent years following their wedding day. This is actually easy to do, because ALL M's have their problems. Everyone has flaws, and the wayward focuses on the faults of the betrayed to justify the way they are currently feeling and for the A itself.

The other aspect is the OP. The wayward sees them as their "soul mate" and tells themselves that "everyone deserves to be happy." Therefore, no matter how wrong they know the A is deep down inside, they go with the new age vibe that you must "follow your feelings." They see D all around them and convince themselves that it is the norm. They see other children who have been through a D and say "They are doing just fine," even though those children probably are NOT doing just fine. (Except in the cases where the married home was abusive or otherwise unsafe, etc. In those cases, anyone is better off getting themselves and their children away from an abuser, and with counseling the children may end up OK.)

The wayward can convince themselves of this due to the fact that they are observing from a distance. They do not actively seek to dig deeper and discover that the children of D, especially ones with infidelity as the cause, have an extremely difficult time with anxiety, guilt (why weren't we enough), and understanding right from wrong if they are not told the truth about the D. They internalize their pain most of the time, so it is difficult to see what they are going through. The wayward truly believes that "if the children know they are loved by both parents, and my BS and I get along for the children's sake, they will be just fine." To dig deeper for the truth about the affect of D on children would be to vaporize their fantasy world in a very big way.

I also understand that she BELIEVES everything she is saying:

Wayward "fog babble" can be EXTREMELY convincing, though, especially to the BS. The reason for this is because the WS ABSOLUTELY believes what they are saying at the time. The BS has to keep in mind, though, that the justifications are so great for a WS because it is a defense mechanism to WARD OFF the feelings of guilt and shame that they SHOULD feel.

My W is already doing and saying all these things.

But not telling the children something now ultimately brands us both as liars. I feel badly enough that I'm party to this lie we've been living, though I can rationalize that in the sense that until recently I still believed she would come out of her fog (which, if it were the case, would obviate the need for them to know). When they are about to face such upheaval, they have a right to know more or the lesson they will ultimately get is that covering up the truth is acceptable for them (after all, it was acceptable to their parents).

Ultimately, while we may not have been perfect (or even GOOD) spouses and DID contribute to a situation that made them more vulnerable to an affair, it was THEIR choice. There are other, more mature ways, of dealing with unhappiness in a marriage.

I know many of the WAWs say don’t say anything and that that will only push her further away, but it seems so enabling (and deceitful to the children) to let her have her cake and eat it too. In the event the children were to resent me and be angry with me for taking their mother off a pedestal, I look at it this way: Would I rather be resented for whitewashing the truth later (when they find out eventually) or for telling the truth now (that I want to our marriage and my wife does not)?

Telling them may be the only thing that could shake her from her fog, not that I want to use them as pawns, but because it’s important to me that my children learn to face up to their problems; they always have.

My IC concurred that if there were any chance that would bring her out of the fog, the “greater good” might be served by telling the kids, because he thinks the effects of D are devastating in circumstances like I am facing. I will tread very carefully in how I broach it with them, but I will not lie to protect her. What’s she gonna do… divorce me if I do?

I do think about the mother-child bond, but I also think about the father-child bond. I don’t want to be a doormat, that’s not a good example either. Besides, where I come from “owning up” to one’s mistakes is honored. I think if she did the “work” that was necessary and we could all forgive her, she would have that much more respect from them and from me. The female equivalent, I guess, of “manning up”!

I will gladly attest to all of my sins and faults, as I do NOT blame her for the entirety of what happened. I have forgiven the affair; I have more trouble with the fact that she will do nothing to reestablish trust or make any introspection on her part if BUT for the children and not me. I don’t need her anymore. I’m no longer wrapped up in her.

Come the new year, I will tell them, because I cannot go on living this “lie” in front of them. That hurts more than anything she has (or has not done), knowing that someday my children will know the truth and they will not know whom to trust (as I don’t want to be whitewashed or involved in a “cover up” just for her sake) is not the right "Ghost of Christmas Future".

-AlexEN