Hmm.. rock and hard place, I remember saying that.. I am sorry your stress levels are so high, theres alot of wierdness, I feel like things are swirling, you know? (I got a phonecall. I FB'd you in my panic!)
So you're going for coffee, but not sure about the evening do at his place of work? Why is that? Are you concerned about going 'public' with him with things how they are, or are you just fed up with him today?? Hugs...
My post a few days ago was focused on staying in the 'now'.. not the past, not the future. Just one step at a time.
Making a list might help... everything that is good about staying together, everything that is lacking. Maybe both of you make individual lists. A third column could be.. how to resolve it... something you work on individually.. and/or eventually together. Brainstorm.
This is a time for transparency.. on both sides. Being open about everything. Agree that in the past things broke because the communication failed. Hence.. the new aspect is to be straightforward, without fear of put down, rejection.. just put it out there. It's very scary because one or both expect rejection or finger pointing. If you trust in your agreement to be open then you'll be amazed at what you can say, what you can share.
Only by side stepping your walls and defenses can you truly find whether or not this reconciliation will work.
Talk about things even if you're afraid you'll look bad. Make a commitment to try. If it works, the trust is rebuilt. If not, then you'll have your answer.
Hi girls, Ali, I read your message. I am sorry he is spending Christmas with "company"... Just came back.
Gypsy, H isnt much in "structured" piecing work. He thinks, things will be fine, somehow. Lists with him would be difficult. I can make lists. Pages and pages of lists. I would probably end up reading them alone...
I have made a committment to try. It's just it aint that easy. Thoughts are torturing me. What ifs are making my every second hard. And I know I am not "right" to think of "what ifs" but I do. And I cant ignore myself...
I am going out with him tonight. It's not that I dont want to be seen in public with him. He called a couple of times to ask me if I have decided. I am just not into late nights out and it will be a late night where we are going. Take care everyone, xxx K
Remember how you said that you work things in 'circles'.. something like that.. how issues come up as a circle and you resolve them?
Are you in one of those that's become a loop?.. dang.. what WAS your circle thing???
This all sounds like you're looking at noose for your neck.
Choices.. perceptions... Maria...
If your attitude is tepid, the results will be the same.
If his actions increase your sense of insecurity, your relationship will be the same.
It's not about you leading HIM where he needs to go..
It's you putting yourself where YOU want to be (in the type of marriage you're seeking, in what you expect of yourself, of your husband, in what you need). That to me is the 'work'. YOU have to risk putting it all out there.. not in a "I'm becoming a doormat and living the same life I had in the past but will be more miserable now because I'll know I am settling" way.
You are Maria..
You are incredible.
And now I'm going to shut up because I don't know how you put all the pieces back together again.
So, we met after midinight (!!!) and went to this place with another 8-10 people. We actually went to my fav singer that I used to go to see, when I was younger and a lot DURING the first time we broke up before we got married... (9 years ago)
The group of people was pleasant and warm with me. H sat by me until 5:45 in the morning (yes, that is when it was over), never tried to kiss or hug me. We would talk, laugh, comment on things, the guy was singing nice love songs and ... nothing.
I dedicated a song to him he said he didnt know. When he listened closely he heard the lyrics "finally I am alone, it took me some time but now I know life is so much better without you bla bla bla", I was laughing, he was too (no hurt feelings).
We came home around 06:15, told him he could stay since we had an apt to go buy presents for kids "next" morning. He stayed, we slept in the same bed, each of us to our own side, pre bomb familiar scene. We got up and he came and kissed me on my neck (I was up earlier), I had made coffee for both of us, suggested a plan and he said he was fine with it. We had lunch out with the kids, then shopping for toys and then he got us home and left to go to work. He kissed me on my lips (no real kiss) for half a second and left. Tomorrow he is picking up the kids to see his friend & his wife that dont talk to me and I am furious with. I'll have time on my own to go shopping for presents and just relax...
I am having my family here for Christmas, I am cooking, dont want my mom to do anything, I mentioned it, he said nothing.
Conclusion : we are friends. Familiar with each other. Comfortable. Like brother and sister. He is nicer to me: calmer, tries to keep me "happy", and a few other things I have mentioned. Still, no romance, no passion, no man and woman interaction. "THIS" marriage could/can go on forever. He would probably find another OW again in a few years and we would still be "friends". I would probably go back to my shopping therapy, painting silly stuff (I need to, cancelled so many orders the last few days), and writing a book I am preparing. And then maybe one day I will just walk away and never look back again...
Today I told him my patience with the kids is non-existent lately. He said he sees that. I said "I want a break". Maybe I will take a couple of weeks off and do something unusual... K
I am really fed up with the "give your all" so that "he can give some" philosophy. Call me mean, bad, ungreatful, anything you all like. Maybe I could do that if there was something left in me to give. You see, what was "in me" was broken to pieces by HIM. Maybe what is left, should be "carefully" treasured since if I dont take care of myself, as I learned this year, nobody else will...
Sending you love.. your post bought tears to my eyes. Your H is an ungrateful... well. Hey, you tried/are trying. How can he just...!??? why does he just...!?? Why does he say nothing...?? *&@%#$X !!! etc etc.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Kalni))))) Let me think a bit about this. I think you need to paint, that's for sure! I don't think you will get stuck doing "this" forever, because you are watching for it. A little more time, I think, might be the answer. But not too much. He sounds to me like he is moving, just slowly. We will see.....
