Tawnya, Techguy, Smartcookie, Whateverittakes, Another Nightmare and JWM -
Thank you all for checking in with me. I am having a hard time controlling my own anxiety and desires today as my visit with H is looming.
I know four months is not long for a lot of folks around here, but it has felt like ages to me. I KNOW that I am not getting H to come home tomorrow. But what the brain knows and what the heart wants are two very different things.
I am feeling like I cannot do this thing tomorrow. I just want to throw my arms around him and tell him it's enough now. I know I cannot but I am truly emotionally overwhelmed right now.
I will pull it together in time but I just feel very overemotional and I cannot get it out. I am venting here because I cannot leave work to run.
On the one hand, I feel like he has made a step towards me but on the other, I am afraid nothing really has changed and he will shut me out again tomorrow. Just because he realized his source of unhappiness does not mean he will want me back. I am not sure where to find the strength to keep going. But what choice is there. The two alternatives are live my life and follow his time line or move on without him. I do not want either.
I am whining and I know it, I am just feeling weak and overwhelmed. It is so hard to be calm when the person you love tells you he no longer wants to be with you, he is miserable and you are not allowed to tell him how to fix it, he is not wearing the wedding ring and I have to pretend like that does not affect me. I am scared to think that there has been any change for the better but want so desperately for that to be true.
And I am so scared to see his physical appearance. On top of all of that, I have to remember the DB principles and not mess those up. According to my coach and my IC, all of that goes out the window if I think he might be suicidal. I am scared to have that much responsibility all on me. How do I know for sure whether he is or isn't suicidal? I mean, I know the questions to ask but I am no professional. What if I ask him, he is not and he shuts me out again?
Sorry, just a lot of fear and trepidation and I had to get it out.
It kills me to feel this way. This man is the person with whom I have been the most comfortable and felt the most safe and now, I am scared to see him. I just do not know what to do with that.
