Feeling pretty churned up and in shock today! I honestly wasnt expecting to hear from him until after Christmas. He phoned, at like 10.20 am (we were on the phone till 11.30 I think, so quite a while!)
...so before the skiing with her revelation, he was asking me what I was doing and said he was going to our hometown and he said it a few times, and I said "were you offering me a lift, becuase tommorow is too early for me really with Millie" (our cat).. and he said, no sorry as I will have to leave today I meant...
So clearly he wasnt offering me a lift and at that point, I didnt know he was going with her. But he didnt say thats why he couldnt give me a lift. There was this air of making out he was alone???
I wonder how SIL will get on with her? I get on well with SIL and saw her recently. His brother met Helen the summer when we were still together - thats how I fouind out about her. Its pretty public, to go with his brother (who gets on my ex's nerves and he doesnt like SIL !!) wonder if it will be good/bad?
I really need some help here guys! I feel churned up. I'm so amazed he called and sent me a card and pressie (we've been split up a year) but then, its so bitter sweet and hurts alot.
((Ali)) Of course it hurts. I'm so sorry. And I don't have any happy, rose-colored glasses thoughts. It seems as if he clearly knows you still love him (what with all the "Sorry Al"s he gives you) and he doesn't want to rub it in your face that he is with someone else.
I have admired your desire to want to be friends with him because I know for me, there is NO WAY I could be friends with my H if he was seeing someone. I would want to be free to move on and heal. Having him as a friend when I clearly have 'more than friend' feelings would be torture. Maybe you could use a break from the idea of "friends"? Not to say you couldn't EVER be friends-- but maybe not now.
I think he *wishes* you would be okay with the situation, and on occassion it would seem like you are, but deep down he knows you aren't 'fine' with things. He still cares enough about you to not be cruel and flaunt his relationship. And it might not be all that and a bag of chips; but trying to guess is doing you no good.
Take good care of yourself. Start to focus all the energy dedicated to worrying about his well-being and turn it towards yourself. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to have a man move mountains to be with you. Drop the rope completely. Forget where you even put it. And focus on YOU!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
wow - Ali - sorry bout this turn of events - on the one hand - but the pressie! ??? thats so confusing for you...it must feel like he won't let you go... a classic mixed message...but yet you know you must "drop the rope". I can't even begin to imagine how mixed up you feel about this...
The only thing I can offer is to suggest that he is not doing things "on purpose" - not realising the consequences of this from your angle...and only with "love" the kind that comes from real friends and a real connection - it suggests to me that you're still massively important to him - but now - you're left with the challenge of dealing with this in a balanced way and not grasping at this and not losing yourself into this...
i have a similar challenge to deal with tomorrow - BIL and SIL are coming over to W's and H - I have H tomorrow eve instead of tonight which was the original plan so she can "go out for a beer" with them - but I'll bet £££ that the OM is about to be introduced to them.
And I mention that on your thread only to illustrate that as we come across these events - the pressie and phone call in your case and then the skiing news - that we must, when engaged in this terrible journey - find ways of confronting these events in a way which allows us to take care of ourselves - otherwise there is a great danger that we get beaten into a victim mentality - only reacting and not being proactive. Ali - you can deal with this - you need to...with an outsider's view of this - tell us what are the positives from your interactions today? - articulate them, write them down - objectively and dispassionately. Then tell us how you are doing to deal with Christmas for YOU!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
I disagree with GFI. I don't think the pressie is a mixed message. He cares about you, that's all. It doesn't mean that he is ambivalent about letting you go. I think sometimes our partners (or former partners) do feel badly about the pain they've caused and they want to be seen as the "good guy". But that's about something they want for themselves, not something for us.
I disagree with GFI. I don't think the pressie is a mixed message. He cares about you, that's all. It doesn't mean that he is ambivalent about letting you go. I think sometimes our partners (or former partners) do feel badly about the pain they've caused and they want to be seen as the "good guy". But that's about something they want for themselves, not something for us.
Hey everyone, thanks for reading! I havent posted the convo yet..but thats where the confusion lies Whateverittakes.. he said things about her that make this confusing! Plus, he didnt NEED to send me a card, neverlone a present. We have been apart over a year and he didnt give me either last year.
Also, yes, he does know I am not over him...so why do this, why phone, send stuff, knowing how I feel about him?? The last time I saw him, I said sorry for how I was "because of how I feel"...But yes, got to face facts, he is spending Christmas.. WITH HER. So I opened the card. It says
Dear Al, I hope you have a good Christmas and that you find the enclosed funny *Name* x
And he had put a kiss. It was a jokey penguin card (I love penguins) and a wrapped present - a book?
I'm amazed. It was posted yesterday. He took the trouble to find a card, present, nicely wrapped and went to the post office and mailed it when he was off ill (he is notoriously crap at being organised like that for friends/family, so it is surprising, kind of, going out of his way)..probably posted it as he realised once he had booked his flight, that he wont see me now until after Christmas. He probably phoned this morning as he knew he wouldnt get another chance to speak to me as he flies at 7am tommorow.
He is back on the 27th and I am back home there too...but guess she will be with him. He wanted to meet up, but was vague as to when he could, he hadnt thought further than this week he said.
Yep, very upsetting. Really tore me apart today quite honestly. I wasnt expecting it. I didnt go looking for it. I havent contacted him this week or put him on a guilt trip or sent him a card. He called me, for over an hour and didnt seem to want to get off the phone. Very bitter sweet.
And I can tell he wouldnt have told me abuot her going too, if I hadnt asked him directly! He didnt even tell his BMF that she was going. Why not? Just being a bit secretive, I dont know.
Well - folks - I don't really want to stir up any more confusing thoughts for you Ali - I post this in the hope that Ali, you will take time to look at this objectively,
If it were me - and I was wrapped up in a new relationship and was very much into it and knew that exGF was very much hoping to find a way of reconciling yet I didn't want that - sending a pressie and card and phoning is the very last thing I would do...knowing that likely it would simply add to the massive confusion going on...
It is possible to look at this in all sorts of different ways - and its very very difficult and admittedly wrong for us to start speculating about the motivation of exBF - so Ali - IMO the thing to think about is how you feel about this and to take a view on it...to put it out there for what you think it is...and then find a way of dealing with the Christmas hols...Ali - it might be the right view or the wrong view but you need a way of dealing with it - you're closest to this sitch- you have more information than anyone here...what do you think?
have that view, in that horrible management speak "own it" and then "Then tell us how you are doing to deal with Christmas for YOU!"
And I'd like to throw something else in...Ali - you spend an awful lot of time on this board - and we all understand that - we all do - we get a lot of support from DB friends in similar estranged circumstances - but there are some dangers of us denying ourselves the opportunity to move on and deal with our lives in the real wide world - the thing that is often seen here to be the most positive thing in achieving our ends...an irony in itself ...
And I understand the value of venting, sharing, purging - whatever...Ali - with the very very best of intentions in my heart - I challenge you to stay off this board tomorrow - just tomorrow - sort something out for yourself...enjoy the day! Really really enjoy the day for you!!! Then come back on Sunday...:)
One of your close poster friends refers to Alianalysis...Ali - give yourself a break - you really really deserve it!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Hey GFI..I sit in my house typing alot (for my job) and doing my dissertation.. flitting to the boards is a distraction and I want to help others too, who have helped me. But I take your point! I do need the support.
Also.. I totally agree with you. "If it were me - and I was wrapped up in a new relationship and was very much into it and knew that exGF was very much hoping to find a way of reconciling yet I didn't want that - sending a pressie and card and phoning is the very last thing I would do"
Thats how I 'view' it. I have lived with other men when younger and when I was done, I was done. The only ex I sent cards/presents to, I still loved and wanted to get back with, but was to scared to go 'backwards' into what we had, I was a WAS and never told him I still loved him. Then he got engaged and I was gutted!
So I need to post the convo we had, thats been hard for me to do today, to revisit it. But.. yes, what a turnaround, I really wasnt expecting it. And not sure what to think to be honest.
