Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Had IC yesterday and brought him up to date on the last week. C is very disappointed that H has not been honest with him in his sessions, because he feels he could have helped either clarify H's thinking and/or helped with how to do things without so much hurt and confusion.

I am just feeling so numb. I don't know if that's detatchment or just a deeper depression. I hope it's the former, but suspect it's the latter. H is coming over tomorrow to work on the house. I don't know if I should be upbeat and show PMA and help out, or if I should just make myself scarce. H says that S17 is going to be working his tail off on house stuff tomorrow whether he wants to or not.

S17 wants to go to alternative school to finish his senior year. He is failing several classes and with only 3 weeks left in the semester, really has little or no chance to pull out a passing grade. This whole sitch has taken a toll on him and I am NOT in favor of his dropping out, but he does make a good argument of why should he bust his behind only to fail the class anyway (and his teachers have told him they will not give extra credit work to help). Part of me thinks I should tell him to do the work and try his best even if he fails the class because hard work is good for the soul and he is responsible for his own behavior no matter what is going on at home. Such a dilema. Our C doesn't even have any definitive advice on this one.

I did talk to H on the phone briefly yesterday while in traffic. I voice a little bit of concern for the financial side of the split. He re-assured me that we would sit down and work things out and he did not want to shaft me and we would work everything out. But, he did think that I should have gone for a "cheap" one bedroom apartment and S17 could sleep on the floor. I said I was absolutely not going to do that. S17 deserved a safe compfortable home. And I like the community stuff this complex does in order for me to feel supported. So, H dropped that argument and said it was my choice. He just seems so distant and willing to do almost anything to just be out of the M.

I hate the way I feel. I just want to go to bed and say "wake me when it's over". Everyone tells me I will be so much stronger having gone through this. Intellectually I know this is true. But I have lost something very precious. I have lost an innocence and trust in myself and others that was really beautiful I think. I will never get that back.