When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitney,

I am happy to hear that you have become "the most fantastic father." I am sure your efforts to improve yourself have brought you and yours many rewards, both expected and unexpected. I urge you to continue on in this vein.

Continuing to learn and stretch yourself will only strengthen your intellect and your character as you put what you learn into practice in your life. As Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never, never give up" on what most important to you like continuing to improve yourself. And don't talk about what you've already done, DO something today to SHOW what is important to you.

As far as your XW goes, she is NOT trying to hurt you for whatever pain she believes you caused her. It doesn't matter if the pain was caused by you or not for her, she believes it came from you and that is enough to cause both of you headache and heartache.

Your XW is doing whatever she is doing and because she makes you aware of what she is doing, it hurts you because you still care A LOT. My XW continues to run from thinking about our past, looking at HER part in the demise of our M over time, and feeling anything real which would come from heart-felt, deep reflection. I know that over the past 3 years I have felt as you do, that her behavior is all about me and specifically aimed at hurting me. Over time, I have realized that her behavior is a self-destructive pattern that started LONG before I met her.

In many ways, I was the was the fly in the ointment in her long running path of self-serving, self-absorbed and selfish behavior developed from childhood, teen drug use, and surrounding herself with ***-kisser friends, whose idea of real friendship is to simply pat her on the head to congratulate her self-destructive decisions as strong, independent decisions. Needless to say, all of her friends were and are marriage cancers. Certainly made the terrain of our M more difficult at best.

So, you may be wondering WHY I am intent on reconciling my M. Quite simply because I love her and I have faith that I am simply working to make God's will a reality. Additionally, I know that she and I could be happy together in His glory and I also know that our children would be best served by being part of a happy, healthy and whole family unit, rather than a broken family.

Ultimately, I know that I can only do what I can do with His help. I know that God gives us all free will to do as we wish and I cannot make XW (1) want the opportunity to reconcile and (2) put in the effort to make herself worthy of reconciliation. For now, I realize that I am not perfect, but I also realize that I have much to learn about becoming the best man that I am able to be. I look to Him to assist me in both recognizing and fully utilizing the gifts that He has bestowed upon me.

As far as your XW goes, she probably is running away to find happiness. Sadly, that is her prerogative. She clearly was not happy in some ways while you were together. She knows this. She was there. Since this fact cannot be changed right now all you can do is keep the door to your heart cracked open to the possibility of reconciliation; safeguard your and your children's hearts.

Remember, only YOU control your attitude and your willingness to hold on. I pray you will, but as always, that is YOUR choice. Many times the 'runner' tires from running and realizes that YOU are not THE problem in his/her life.

Continue working on making yourself as attractive as you can possibly be. Love your children. They will always be yours. Do not get too chummy with your ex-in laws. THAT may lead to further unnecessary running from you on your XW's part. Your ex-in laws are your XW's and your children's family, not yours. Be mindful of that fact.

Good luck, my friend. Only you control your attitude. Only you can protect your heart.

Best wishes,
Tom