ok, have been going to finish update and not found time...so much has happened in the past year...Guess I feel the need to update to kind of "rehash" in my mind to keep on track, and renew contacts that helped me through the dark dark hours.
First of all, H and I are together....doing ok....still many issues in our life, and I still want more "passion"....but, he is a different person than the old horrible fog days of the hot A. OW continues to be an irritant to me just because she still works here with both of us...More details on this stuff later...
But first....where to start... H's youngest S had an affair....it was fascinating to observe the dynamics as they played out in her nuclear family and in she and H's family of origin. Confirmed beyond doubt many of the issues I've long believed. SIL's OM is a serial cheater, loser who left....8 kids.....has had numerous known affairs for years. SO NOT HER TYPE....other than he is a real "sweet talking ladies man". Her H was not a particular jewel in my opinion, kinda the macho head of the house kinda guy...
So, A goes on for probably 6 mths to yr....SIL throws H out of house....classic fogspeak going on....her H pretty much does classic dbing/goes dark...
OK, here's where the lessons come in for me, maybe for others, and this is what I base a lot of my thoughts on how to respond to A's on (that and my personal experience w/H)... SIL's (& H's) family of origin discovers the A....and goes absolutely off the wall ape-s--t. Which is what I always feared would happen after I told them.....anyway....and keep in mind this is all in a small town of less than 2000 people who have known SIL since she was born... 1st of all, the family was never supportive of the M in the 1st place....I never heard a single good word about SIL's H til she dumped him when he suddenly became a saint. The family has a role in the outcome of that M, but they will never see it.
FIL & MIL went ballistic, told SIL she was "out of the family" and basically cut off all contact with her while increasing/maintaining with her H....her siblings except for H cut off pretty much all contact. did it end the A????? nope
Family staged several formal "interventions"....actually went to a bar where SIL was w/OM, physically removed her and put her in a car (after they walked in with a video camera and taped her & OM). her 2 sisters are the ones who did this...Took her to her house....where their mother was waiting....physically held her there while they played the video for their mother....who of course did all kinds of old-school catholic lecturing, guilting and chastising. Did it end the A? nope....did increase the fog speak and lieing and sneaking....big time....
Oldest sister raised hell continuously with SIL....calling her and lecturing...."exposing" the affair to every relative, neighbor and acquaintence she could get to listen...didnt end the affair, but did result in several hundred new excuses on part if SIL as to why she was doing this....from the priest told her to to her H was abusive....to of course OM is just an innocent friend....
Family actually called H up and wanted him to physically "beat up" OM....ummmmmmmmm no, H refuses to be involved in such an action.....so, SIL's dad goes and confronts the OM, and threatens him....still didnt end the A....
MIL (mine, SIL's mom)stewed and fretted and prayed and lectured and guilted and showed up at SIL's house and talked to every priest in the area and had everyone she could get to do it lecture her...and did this over and over and over and over until she couldnt eat or sleep...would ask me what she should/could do and I would suggest dropping the rope and letting SIL learn on her own what a weeny om is....MIL just couldnt fathom that could ever be the right thing to do...and on and on she went. Until MIL died. a horrible death that took 8 months. more on that later. SIL was openly criticized for the A at their mothers funeral. did it end the A? nope
End result.... SIL D'd her H; gave him the house and custody of the kids, and is living w/OM in this tiny town...and of course it's all still a pretty hot topic. She is still "out of the family" and has very little contact. her S and D in their early teens are of course furious and have very little contact, refuse to go to her home, etc....still hasnt ended the A....
H (and to some extent I)is the only family member she confides in. She recently emailed H, regarding A and om, whom she still lives with..."OK, so I made a mistake. I can admit that, but what I can't do is go back after all they've done to me"
I have always believed that part of the impetus for H's affair (he said as much) was an unmet adolescent-ish need to prove that he was in control of his own life because he grew up in such a stifling controlling family sitch. SIL said the same thing in a letter she sent us about how she felt it was the 1st time she was ever able to make decisions for herself, that she had always been subjugated to others decisions.... yes, some of it is fog speak, but it is accurate, I know from personal observation. This is why I feel so strongly that it's important to know/understand the cheaters issues before you jump into just routinely "exposing" an affair. IF the affair is partly a case of arrested adolescent development (hmmm, seems like many are) & the cheater is trying to prove their independence and assert their right to control their lives, I'd pretty much bet it's gonna backfire. and if the "cheater" is a serial cheating weeny like her om, it doesnt matter one bit....he's a predator who goes from woman to woman, especially if it looks like they may have a dime, and he doesnt care.
So....that's my experience and take on exposure.
Death of my atomic MIL....those of you I've known here for years may remember I always called her that and said my last resort would be to turn her loose on H and ow...It would have been unleashing hell on earth for H, as verified above.
Anyhow, she was so enmeshed in the ugly drama of SIL's A, that is literally all she focused on....day and night. the weird thing is that after 6 months or so of this, she developed a progressive, deteriorating neuropathy....it was horrible. lost her ability to walk, talk, breathe, was on a ventilator, even internal muscles shut down. very much like ALS....except...no physical cause could be identified. every test that could be done was done...from Mayo clinic to MD Anderson in Houston...nothing was ever found. nothing. I can't help but wonder if she died as a last resort for SIL's A, or the emotional turmoil somehow triggered something.
Bless her heart though, I begged and pleaded and called her off after I told her about H's A, and she promised she would not confront him unless I gave the OK, and she kept her word, took it to her grave.
While she was ill, after all the hospital benefits had been used up, the family did ALL of her care at home, because there were no nursing homes within 6 hours travel that were able to do her care. 24/7 they rotated shifts doing horrific care tasks that I wont' go into. I worried that it would kill H, it took a horrible toll on him...brought out many family strains and conflicts.... FIL commented to H one time "You are the only one (of the siblings) I can depend on to do it right. You always take care of every detail". H commented "Well, how about that. I finally got praise from my father". I thought that was so sad and so telling about, again, some of the issues that helped contribute to his A. this reinforces my belief/recommendation that I sometimes have made that if a person waits and listens, the truth comes out and yo will learn what you need to know. learning to listen is the hard part.
OK, gotta run....needed to get this out, I'm still in shock at all that has gone on in our lives over the last 5 years since the damned A started....actually 5 1/2 years....and still processing.
will update on H/what I learned/continuing db efforts in near future FWIW.
