Advice please...

[StayHopeful]

Another quick question, I was under the impression communicating is good, but, in this case I am to avoid talking about this to W. What am I missing ? Why avoid talking about the R. Is it because it's been hashed out already ? Or are we avoiding not bringing up a negative ? Thanks, R

[WCW]

You can find them in book stores, on line, the library, I found DR and DB at Half Price Book stores.

You don't want R talk because it usually turns into negativity and goes in the wrong direction you want to travel.

[Ready2Change]

Asking how SHE is is OK. Asking how she feels about the status of the R is bad. It almost always leads in a negative direction.

Your actions will speak much loader than words. You do not want to smother her.

Please list all the 180's you have done so we can understand and support.

Here are some of mine:
1) Patience
2) Listening
3) Smiling no matter how SHE is behaving
4) New hair cut/shaving daily/cologne
5) New clothes
6) Completely involved with everything Kids are doing
7) Walking away if W attempts to argue
8) Voicing my opinion in a nonthreatening way
9) Defending my POV
10) Practicing DB with others (much easier than with angry spouse)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ral,

Why avoid talking about the R?

Seriously?

She says she knows how I feel, and gets short with me when I try to talk to her about it.
When I ask, she acts as though it irritates her.
Since then, I have tried to talk to her, I've written letters, but she really won't respond to anything I do.

That's me being a smart ass using your own words to answer your question.

From my experience, if your wife is MLC, then she really doesn't know what she wants and R talks are pressure to her. So if you insist on them you are pressuring her. Bad idea.

Look alot of the stuff in the begining of this goes counter to everything you want to do, or think you should do. That stuff...simply doesn't work.

Have you ever ended a relationship? How much did YOU want to talk to the person you ended it with? Its kind of the same. Stop appearing needy. Stop pressuring her.

You're 50 years old, old enough to know that life isn't fair. You improve yourself until your wife comes out of her MLC, if that is what it is. You work on yourself until then and then and only then do you work on your marriage with her.

Right now you want answers and validation. You don't get them, if you press you screw up your chances. Today is the day you plant seeds, your deeds and actions, next summer they might bear fruit, but they won't bloom tomorrow, they bloom in time.

[craig54]

Ral, listen to the advice, they are spot on. Give your wife space, no r talk,treat her with respect, be kind, but no pressure, none.It works, I stopped pressuring my wife 13months ago, she was so determined to divorce me and move on with her life. She filed in jan of this year. She has not talked about the divorce for months. She need time and she needs space, just like your wife.Pray for guidance, pray for patience.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I was actually thinking you would be a great role model for Ral Craig. : )

[craig54]

Thank you Jack, I will try to help as much as I can.

[StayHopeful]

Thank you all for the advice. as far as 180's,

1. Lost 20 pounds so far
2. Shave daily
3. Try to have most of our daily chores done. (can't do it all )
4. Try to have the right attitiude and be involved with
everything WITHOUT smothering...
5. will listen more intently and remember more
6. Seeing a counselor

[StayHopeful]

Believe me, I am thinking about everthing first, Before I speak or move...

[Ready2Change]

All your NEED's need to be put on hold right now. Make it all about HER. If she needs space, give her space and more space. Treat her like a cat. She will come around when she needs you.

My buddy gave me great advice:

"Stay out of W's bubble and completely emerge yourself into the kids bubble"