When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitney,


Whatever you (or most probably both of you did) to contribute to the overall deterioration over time is something that cannot be changed.

The only thing you can do is work the mound of clay that God made into your mind and body into something that you and your loved ones would be proud to be associated with. God gave you the tools, you must utilize those tools to CHOOSE to make the best you possible. You may want to pray that He gives you the love, guidance, vision and skill to make the best you that He intended you to be even before you were conceived.

Focus on YOU and your children. THAT is where the best investment of your time will lie. Be like a skilled farmer; prep your soil (mind, body, and spirit), plant seeds at the best time of your life (NOW would be good), water your toil, and reap your bountiful harvest of an abundant spirit, mind and body. Your abundant life will also reap your abundant confidence and your help you to determine WHAT is important to you which will delineate the path for your life's mission with a surveyor's precision. With a goal, your life's activities will be meaningful because they will be in line with accomplishing your mission. You WILL be happier. You will have a purpose. You will be more confident with YOUR chosen destination and mission. You WILL be more attractive to everyone, including your XW and children. At a minimum, if XW continues to stay lost, your work on your will be your gift to yourself and your loved ones. On top of that, this new YOU will be your gift to your XW should she choose to take advantage of the opportunity to reconcile or to the new life partner you choose.

On thing that my friend here, Frank_D reminded me of, was that SHE does not hold ALL of the cards. I (and you) hold an equal number and should our XW's choose to desire to work on reconciling our marriages, WE still have the ultimate say as to whether or not that is in our best interests based on what they have done to improve themselves and thus ADD to the marriage. I know that as of right now, I would not be able to take my XW back because she has a lot of self-improvement work to do on her own. Taking her back as she is, which is substantially how she was, is only a recipe for disaster; a step back.

You and I are very similar in HOW we deal with our XW's. I changed some actions in myself to help facilitate her coming to me and not running from me. I let her open up, but simply validate her story and feelings ONCE. I have taken to simply closing down the conversation gently. David Cunningham advises something better, he advises the man to simply tell her that, " I really feel like this is getting into girlfriend territory, and I don't want to go there. Why don't you call up your girlfriend and go over this until you have run down the emotions of all of this and when you are ready to resolve this issue, I am here for you." He's more eloquent in saying that, but that's the gist. He's very good at dropping seeds in our minds so that we will be able to reap our abundant harvest at the right time.

My XW is the queen of the 6 month relationship. The friendly bet among people who knew her long before I did was that our M would last 2-4 months, but certainly no more than 6 months. Well, before our split, we had made it to 6 years. I see that as a HUGE positive, as all of her recent "relationships" have lasted less than 6 months except for the criminal, DH#3, who lasted almost a year, but 6+ months of that he was in jail and they were really solidifying their relationship writing daily jailhouse 'love' letters. As I said, she runs and runs in her self-destructive sprint to avoid thinking, feeling, and dealing with reality. Plus she has LOTS of "good friends" (I choose to use FINGER QUOTES when I say that phrase) who are male, most of which are ex-BFs and lovers and simply chase her around trying to get in her panties.

She loves the attention. She had a year of counseling to deal with her self-esteem issues after DH#3, and decided to quit. I looked at her and said deadpan, "So, you're cured? She just walked away, but my comment was simply to let her know that I KNOW her and I know when she is trying to BS me and herself. She said she no longer looked to men for approval. She has sought mens' approval through sex since she was 13; still does. But for those who see her only on occasion, who only know her on a superficial level, and who buy her 'truths' as gospel, it would seem true, as she certainly can be convincing. I simply know that often her actions don't reconcile with her words and her actions tell me what she truly thinks, feels, wants, and wants. Actions speak much louder than words, and in her case, words don't speak loudly at all.

Now, despite all of this; knowing her flaws and mine, I still love her and I believe that my work to keep myself open to reconciling is actually making God's will come to life thru me. I know the wrong's that I did in my M. Although I cannot undo the wrongs, I continue to improve myself to prepare for our eventual reconciliation. NO SCOREKEEPING! Simply two people placing their God first, their marriage second, and their individual selves third. My vow is to live my life for God, fight for my M second, and fight for myself after that.

QUESTION: Why did you quit going to counseling?

Respond to your XW in a reserved, respectful, interested way. Give her space to finish the conversation later if she starts to pull away.

Your gonna get there my friend, but you suffer from the same thing that I do. Focusing on ME instead of on her needs. She seems hurt and angry like mine. Stop scorekeeping. It's counterproductive. My XW's mother always says, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" Simple, but is along the same lines of NO scorekeeping. Who is right and who is wrong is irrelevant. Is the issue being discussed right or wrong; good or bad? That doesn't focus on either one of you. Much more productive and much less emotional.

Well, my friend, I wish you well. Let's help each other put corks in the bottom of our boat to keep it afloat long enough to see our XW's swimming back to us to discuss the opportunity of reconciling. Focus on your attitude. Associate with people who are positive and FOR you rather than AGAINST you.

Talk soon,
Tom