How to know when to let go PT2????

[sandi2]

I realized that we can't email because he takes things wrong. We can't text...because the words are only viewed the way each of us wants to take them and we certainly can not talk to each other right now.. so how do we communicate????

That old saying that sometimes "less is more" is what needs to be used as a guide here. The communication is what gets the two of you into battle, so just avoid the communication. You could not accomplish anything when you were trying to talk things out about the MR, and you are not going to accomplish anything right now except more hard feelings. That is tough to hear, sweetie, but it is something you have to discipline yourself about.

Here's the thing. He is use to telling you what is what. As Amy pointed out....he has given up those rights to tell you that or to even know what your plans are. It amazes me how many H's have expected to have their W's--who they have told that they do not want to be married to any long......go to his family to have a "group" Christmas. At Thanksgiving.....it was that way then. So, what is up with that? They wanted out, right? They wanted a divorce.....okay, then give them a good taste of it. That is the way a D family had to do it...no more family get toghers. That is not fair in any sense of speaking to expect a wife that he does not want to be married to ....to show up at a big get togher at the relatives for a big celebration. What does he expect? That everything will be like it use to be and then when it is over, it's good-bye charlie?

Maybe it is to take the pressure off of him where his family is concerned.....you think? He has been totally selfish in everything else, so why would he be any other way now? You can bet he isn't thinking of you.....or even his kids that he may have the gall to use as his excuse and make you feel guilty for not going. It is for his sake and his alone.

I stood my ground and said no and so I don't want to backtrack again.

Then don't do it, Kristi. Listen, you felt empowered when you made your decision....right? So, why listen to him now? You are not his child nor his property. You do not have to "mind" him. He is use to you hopping when he says frog. Show him that you have a mind of your own and he no longer will control your will. Continue to stand, girlfriend. You are woman....hear you roar!! If he is deaf....then roar louder. By that, I don't mean to yell, but stand you ground even more firmly. Don't give in to those temptations to communicate.....stay the heck away from those emails. That is what is bringing you down! Don't TM or phone or anything. I understand about the deal with the ring....okay? But answer me this......did you just have to know? Was it a matter of life and death to email him to find out if he had it right that minute? You see, it is those things that you have to learn to tell yourself, "No, it can wait. I don't have to contact him right this minute." You see, if he wanted to ask about the ring.....he would have. Instead, he was sneaky about it and went behind your back and never said a word. Perhaps that was his underhanded way of getting at you or seeing if you would notice or to contact him. I see that as sneaky and controlling. There was something you said about how he kept saying you had not answered question X that made me see him as the type of man that would needle a person to death by the way he just kept after you to keep on answering one question after the other....and most of them you have been over before.....until he just wears you completely down. Am I close or have I just pictured him all wrong?

So, act as if it does not bother you. Notice I said act "as if" it does not bother you b/c there will be things that do. You must present yourself as being tough on the outside in front of him. Later when you are alone, you can collaspe. Do not allow him to control this situation. You takie charge of your life and act as if you could care less about what he does with his. That is "droping the rope" and that is the only hope left in opening his eyes to what he will lose. He won't feel that he has lost a thing if you show up at mom & pop's place for Christmas. See what I mean? He needs to feel the pain here. He needs to see you strong and in control. That will be the biggest 180 that you could probably do to get his attention. When your self respect knocks him out of his socks.....I want to hear all the details. Make that knocking him out of his Christmas stockings.....lol.

Kristi, Tawnya, Wifey, Amy, Babygirl, LHS......all of my sweeties.....this is not going to be a picnic for any of you. It will be a test to get through this holiday season. A test of your survival, poise, self control, strength and faith. But, I have all the convidence that each of you will make it. Yes, you will feel like you are in a "funk" as Tawnya said......but that is only natural. You all were on a "high" b/c of the decisions you made. It always seems that after a personal victory in our lives that we get a test. So, look at the funk as a test and fight that thing. Don't beat yourself up and be disappointed in yourself and think you failed. You didn't! These are the baby steps that you have to learn how to take in order to start walking the big walk of confidence. How I wished I could keep you from falling and having to lean this hard walk on your own......but you will walk.....and it will be tall and gracefull, just like a queen. All of you should feel that way about yourselves. Let that be a gift to yourself.

Love you,
Sandi