Well...it's 1pm now and she hasn't called or emailed...strange...I just can't imagine not checking on him...breaks my heart a bit...
Actually, I've been a mess today - can't really explain it fully - just a lot of sadness over my wife and what she's going through - having a friend see her that way last night just left me very down today...having my baby boy home with me is nice - though I just wish he weren't under the weather - he just fell asleep leaning on me a few minutes ago - and so I set him down in his crib - and right after that I got a call from my S11 - he actually had a second snow day today (in Southern CA!) - and so he wanted to do a video chat...which we did - and it was fun...
Like you, VD, I've decided not to make contact - since I know that he's fine...and it's not up to me to fix her parenting skills...
Beth...your words made me cry...in a good way...sometimes I feel so beaten down by the sadness of what we're going through - that I just have to dig deep inside and remember to do what is best for my boys...I can't help but wish my wife could see me as you describe - but she just doesn't...and that, despite being detached from her anger and choices, still hurts...
I wonder how much of what she's going through also includes a lot of elements of depression - frankly - when I saw her yesterday - and, really, most of this week, she has looked ghostly and sad...and very unhealthy...and I worry so much about her...as harmful as she can be - she doesn't deserve the pain she is in...no one does...but it just saddens me so deeply sometimes to think that she is giving up something that she wants so much...a happy family, a loving, supportive husband, a safe place to be loved...I don't know if she'll ever see it - or if I'll even have the strength to give her the amount of time she needs to see it...but I want to...I really do want to...and yet I have to balance this desire - this distant hope - with the stark reality that I have got to move on with my life - and accept what has been dealt me - and I have got to stay strong and stable for my kids...I don't have a choice there...even when I have moments of falling apart...I do not have a choice but to be strong for them.
Okay...I know that part of this is because my S11 and I are leaving on Sunday...and I keep picturing us back in my mother's house and my father's house...and I can already imagine the strange feeling of not having my W and baby there with us...and that's just destroying me today...I don't know how else to describe...I just hope letting some of this pain out now - feeling it now - will help me be stronger when I'm back home for the holidays - and it's just me and my S11...
For the first time in all of this...I found myself on my knees this morning...praying, praying so hard that God or whatever is out there could find a way to open my W's heart...even if it means she moves on without me...just for her to heal...for the sake of my son...so that we can find some closure, something...
Okay...I really am okay...I know what I have to do...I think I just needed to take the time to let these emotions come up and come through me...but I know that I will be stronger even by tonight...that's how I cycle sometimes through my pain.
