Thanks MC for SPM FB but he has turned back up posting so all is ok. He just has great advice like you being in the same position as my H. It helps me understand how he felt about my A.
A couple of things you did that were positives....
A visit to H in the hospital - very good.
Bringing H some food just after surgery - very good.
Realize the behavior that you got from H after doing these things. He WAS appreciative to you. I know he didn't thank you or use words that showed this. Trust me he was appreciative. He saw the M that is kind and caring about him. This is something he wants. You said he watched you while they took vitals and appeared to watch you in the room. If your H had behaved any other way it would have shown his weaknesses. He isn't ready for this right now. Your H wants you to believe that he is getting along just fine without you. Your H wants to appear stong and well collected in front of you. He has created a front or wall between you and any less behavior right now will make him feel less in control.
This is where you need to maintain a positive behavior in front of him. You are both trying like crazy to act "as if" in front of each other.
IMO, you need to continue to treat him well. Be kind to H. He will only see you are genuine if you are consistent. You need to be honest and real with the changes. You need to practice them until they become a habit. You need to make sure the changes will last. Give your H a person he enjoys being around. With time, and lots of it, using repeated behavior around H he will trust you again.
I would not have asked H about a roof rack for the car to transport a kayak. You also need to show your H you are independant without him. Take on the task of a roof rack all by yourself. If you need/want one go get one. Show H the independant lady. Make H see that you are capable. It might make him proud of you...that would be a good thing. Part of acting "as if" is doing for yourself.
I took on the monumental task of hiring a contractor to install new windows & doors and to replace my siding and reflash chimneys on my house this summer and fall. They finished yesterday. I did not ask my H once his opinion about the contractor, products chosen, etc...I acted like this was my house. I did great. My house is beautiful. My H comes over and every time he makes a positive comment about something. This is a good thing.
This would not have happened if I had chosen to do this 30-40 months ago. At that time I would have run into total negative opposition from him. This is another thing done where timing was everything.
Think about your H behavior when he is enjoying your company or approving of your choices or actions. Then, think about your behavior when this enjoyment by H was occuring. Keep that atmosphere alive when H is around. Use that when around friends and family of H, anyone who has contact with H. It will get back to him just how wonderful you are and appear. H will slowly start to wonder what he is missing out on. Just remember it will take a lot of time. Your efforts must be consistent.
Keep in mind too that you cannot force contact or kindness from H. Give H the control for now when to make contact and how to behave given a certain situation. I hate to tell you to give him the control, but IMO this is a positive right now. H is the one who feels wronged. To possibly win back his affections he just might need to feel that he is in control of his life. Your H may be possibly in a MLC sitch right now. I see some very similar behavior in him that I have already seen in my H. If this is the case, H needs to go through this alone, making his own choices in regards to his contacts and emotions. All you can do is give him time, space and patience if you really believe in your H and M.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
The anger is because you had expectations and wanted something. Don't give because you want something back in return. Give because you are worthwhile, independent, positive, fabulous, and he'd be an idiot to let go of you.
Quit having expecations, quit expecting him to thank you for kind behavior or do anything for you. This is a guy who wants to leave you. He's not going to try and win you over. He's looking for valid reasons to leave. Don't make it so easy.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi - Yes you are right about expectations and disappointments. It is amazing a difference a day makes.
I went to Hospital not for show or anything but because he is someone i loved for 30 years and he is the father of my children. He probably did say thanks but i was not listening or was waiting for him to do something that I could get p*&^%$ about. Stupid really.
I am not afraid of going and getting stuff done around house etc , it is just that I have always known H to do things properly and right and I think he is an expert, so I ask him questions or expect him to fix stuff. I tend do be less worried about details and rush things.
I will treat H well but for now it is because I still care. Maybe even when you dont care, you still really care if that makes sense.
i think H feels he is missing nothing and maybe he isn't. If there is another woman, what is there to miss. ( Although I think I am more intelligent, good looking, no bad habits and H knows now that from me he has truth and that I will not lie ) Trust would be a big thing for him, but who can he trust. I know he believes everything the OW has told him so far about her life , but I think we all know that , that is most likely not true. I dont like to spit poison about someone I dont know BUT if a woman wants something she will say whatever she thinks a man wants to hear.
i think I have taken a little control back in my life. It has been a year since i felt this free. I have made contact for kayak lessons ( in a pool ) and I have made contact with kayak club ( if I like it ). It sounds like they have good membership and do some fun things. We will see next year how that pans out.
i always pinned my old age with doing stuff with H. Even if it was stuff like fishing or sailing. i just thought that is what we would do. I never ever thought - " What would I like to do " I know I would of happily trotted behind H and probably enjoyed ( a bit ) of what he was doing BUT it is different when you stop and think but what would I like to do.
I still not sure but at least I am now able to think and give stuff a try.
Well off to work - groan - pretty sure work was not in my long term plan. Well s*&^ happens ha ha
"Although I think I am more intelligent, good looking, no bad habits and H knows now that from me he has truth and that I will not lie"...in comparing yourself to OW.
But...I don't see how H knows now from you that he has truth and that you will not lie? In fact, I would assume the opposite. I would assume he feels that he cannot trust anything you have said, past or present, because of the one BIG lie you told for so long. People who have been cheated on tend to then not trust anything that was said before the event as well as after. So I'm not so sure you should hold your "trustworthiness" and "truthfulness" up as if they are attributes in your H's eyes. Most likely, he would not describe you that way, given that you betrayed him.
Just my two cents.
I am hoping to help you correct some of your somewhat flawed thinking in the process.
[quote] Have you continued to read the book [quote]
I have read both books now cover to cover. With regard to trust and honesty I have done this year everything the books advise you to do
1. Answered all questions - regardless of how uncmfortable they were. 2. Been an open book regarding my whereabouts and texts and emails etc. 3. Offered reassurances that I loved him dearly, listened to him, everything he needed he got. Never refused sex.
I It was while I was working so hard that he told me about the other woman. He saw it as his right to have her and he said he was ready for another woman. It felt to me like it must of felt to him when he found out about my affair. Difference is, he thinks his is ok. He sees nothing wrong with having OW . I had no idea he was thinking like that, we were still having sex, talking everyday etc etc.
I think H takes her out for dinner, drinks, sails and talks on phone to her all the time. It is so hard to believe that he chooses her over me but I have and am coming to terms with that. Since H never calls me, or offers to do family things together , I have to believe he gets so much more from her. Even though she is a nothing !
I can do no more now as H has moved out, does not call or visit. All I can do is work on me and that is what I am doing. SPM you will see I have come a lonnnng way since I first posted.
Anyways enough on that. I had my final meeting with C. She believes I no longer need her. She had nothing but praise for my strength of character, sense of humour , intelligence etc. I do feel better and i am good company again ( for the most part).
I am really looking forward to getting away on a summer holiday . Just to have quiet and reflect on my future.
Mean while if you think there is something I am still not getting please hit me with a 2x4 . I dont want to leave any lesson unlearned while i am here.
Biting the poison apple. Got to stop doing that. His choice and he likes what he likes !
Good for you!!!! Very positive...
Not everything is visible, and sometimes we just have to let go. But even if he does end up with her, you lose nothing by being nice. Just lose the expectations, stop being mad about stupid things (it will only make OW look better), and concentrate on your own life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It got me thinking though and i would be interested in other peoples opinions on their spouses choices.
Why do they settle for less - It seems that this is not uncommon to go for someone who is less in lots of areas. I don't mean to be nasty but it can be areas of looks, financial stability, health , social standing etc. Is this the low self esteem of the spouse that leaves ?
My C said to try not to get involved with someone for at least a year as you will know who you are and what you want and time on my own will do me the power of good.
I think it would also mean that if you choose another partner or if you get back together with your H or W you are on much more healthier ground. In my case we would become not the 16 year olds that grew up together but we would be making the decision to make the M work as adults and our attitudes and rules would be different than what they have been before.
I also feel a sense of responsibility to my kids , not to choose someone who embarresses them or to re-enter a marriage that makes them feel unsettled and insecure.
