NW626, Nasmat, Tawnya, Byron and LHS - thank you all for checking in with me so often when you all have things to deal with, too. I truly appreciate your support and kindness.
Carlos - great advice, thank you for that. What you said about being prepared to hear painful things because H feels I provide safety echoes what my DB coach said. She said it was clear from H's email that he feels safe with me. Thank you for trying to help me benefit from your own experience.
I have been thinking a lot today about tempering my expectations and hopes. I am still very concerned/fearful that H will never want to come back to me. Rather than wallow in that fear, I try to use it to temper any over excitement that is creeping in because of this small change in H's attitude and openness. I keep reminding myself that what he said in that email, while very expressive, shows what a dark place he is in. If he feels I am safe and he opens up, who knows what will pour out. My mantra is: maintain a non-anxious presence in the face of his angst.
I am also trying to prepare myself to not react to his physical appearance. It was already pretty bad when I saw him one month ago, so it may be even worse now.
I am also reminding myself frequently of my running analogy because I feel myself wanting this to speed up and end. It is not going to happen at any pace other than his. Only he can solve his problem, only he can decide he needs help and/or treatment and only he can decide if he wants to reconcile. All I can do is be a good friend, offer kindess and support. I can also hope that those attributes might be attractive to him.
I left work early today and will be going for a nice long run this afternoon. Man do I need to burn off some of the emotions inside of me.
