When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

Listen brother, it is good to vent here; NOT at her. Hopefully when you are not here venting your are spending your time reading great material or doing fun things.

Some food for thought: you may want to tell HER that you are too busy to hear a story and find out a convenient time to call her back because you DO want to hear the story. With my XW, I refuse to have conversations by text or e-mail. If she starts the conversation in those way, I simply CALL her back immediately. Has worked for me thus far.

Your XW is hurting and/or angry about SOMETHING still. Do not badger her about what her issue is. Be strong; be a man; let her know you are available when she is ready to let it out, no expectations and no demands. DO NOT chase her as much as you want to do so.

You do deserve to be happy. Make YOURSELF happy. Enjoy your children. If it's convenient, invite your XW along with NO strings and NO expectations. Tell her she can take her own car if she wants. Make all of your interactions with her different; better. Show her who you ARE, don't remind her of who you WERE. You are simply working to overwrite the negative stuff that piled up in your R with new positive experiences.


In my situation, XW says she has forgiven me for my mistake, but what she DOES tells me that she has NOT forgiven me. I think that she thinks that forgiving is forgetting. I've patiently explained it's not. End result is that there are still more underlying issues for her between us. What those are I do not know, but I know that it is a possibility that her underlying problems were pre-existing and my mistake only exacerbated them.

I haven't really chased XW from the beginning. She has always been the one who initiates coming over to my place to be with the children. When I haven't heard from her, I have to fight all of my urges to be the one initiating contact, although sometimes it's necessary. I always tell XW when she calls to see our children that when our children are with me and she is, of course, always welcome. I lead a simple adult. I have women in my life, but I have made it clear that my XW calls and does come to visit. Rarely, have I spent any time with a woman and my children and when I have, this person is always introduced as my friend and expected to act as such in my children's presence.

From all of the stories I have read on DB, the dynamics of our roles would make it seem as though she would be the one who wanted the reconciliation and I was off in left field picking dandelions. Appearances deceive sometimes.

Additionally, my XW has dated lots, as well. THAT is her way of NOT having to think and feel. Running is more fun and keeps the yucky feelings away. It's easier to NOT think, deal and feel. i do believe that her self-destructive lifestyle and poor decision making are aimed at me; to hurt me. As I said, it is really my job to stop keeping score and to continue clearing peoples and weeds from the runway and make it safe for a coming home landing.

Work on making yourself as attractive to the opposite sex as you are able. That WILL have a wonderfully positive impact on your
XW and on your efforts to reconcile and make your family whole again.

Read, my friend. Lots of great information exists in the world for men like you me and you. However, it's generally best to get a review of information from friends, family and co-workers, so as not to waste your money unnecessarily.

I have suggested a bit of reading to you already. Delve in. Digest it. Put it to work. Have fun. Be happy. Love your children. Love yourself. Love you X. DO NOT keep score! Be the best you that you can be at this point in your life.

<Big hug to you, Brother>
Tom

P.S. No, I won't marry you.