Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, ((Sir));

Thank you for your insight and advice. Another way that depression can manifest itself is irritability and my H definitely has that! But, I agree with our C that H does not meet the criteria for clinical depression. He does however exhibit narcissistic behavior, and in session, if C challenges H's thinking on something, H just brushes it off and changes the subject, or says point blank "I am not willing to talk about that." H says he knows he is being selfish, but that's the way he wants it right now. Period. Says he is "done" with the kids, and me. The only person he feels anything for is S17, but he is even "done" with him now too for the most part.

S17 has been ditching school and started smoking and such for the last several months (since H told him about the PA, and S17 was carrying around the secret). Before that, H was S17's buddy, and was allowing him to drink and smoke and such in H's presense. So, S17 is failing several classes and in danger of not graduating on time, and H's answer is to kick his behind or kick him out of the house. H doesn't see the possible connection between him going though a "selfish" phase and S17 following his lead. S17 now doesn't want to be around H because all H does is "work him". Granted, that's not necessarily a bad thing. S17 does need to get his rear in gear, but H has always had a "my way or the highway" attitude and both my kids are just plain sick of it.

As for my part in the breakdown of our M, there is no question I had a part in it. All I ever wanted was to have a family and be a wife and mother. But, early on in my marriage, my H told me not to ever think that what I did at home was anywhere near as difficult as what he did on the boat (Navy). I was raised by a mom who said "Don't ever let any man walk on you!". So, I quickly found that if I got a job and brought in money, I got more recognition and satisfaction. Then we had our daughter who is high functioning autistic. Much of our family life over the years revolved around her counseling needs, and school meetings, etc. We paid house-keepers to come in since we both worked full time. So, I was not the instinctive house-wife and mother I had always thought I was and, if fact, what I wanted to be. So, I failed him and I failed myself. (My H's love language is acts of service). But, I was also one that anything my H ever wanted, I wanted him to have it. Big or small. In this way, I always tried to be the hero and salve my conscience on not being the suzy homemaker he wanted or thought I should be.

As for H, he was a great husband as far as going to work and bringing home the bacon, mowing the lawn, handyman stuff......but emotionally he wasn't there, except in bed (there was never any issue there). We never went out as a couple. And if I asked to, or asked about going somewhere as a family 9 out of 10 times he would would say no, and if he did go, he would grumble. There was always something "more important" that should be being done. He always has a list a mile lone of "to do" projects. Over time, I became depressed and withdrawn and H (and I) saw this as just lazy.

With IC, I have come to learn many things about myself and have shared these with my H, and told him how sorry I am that I let him down. I did a lot of 180s and GAL'd and PMA'd a lot (although I have admittedly back-slid a lot too). I've lost 40+ lbs too. H says he appreciates what I have done, but it's too late.

I suspect that it's guilt and he can't face the fact that he had an affair with his secretary (something he has always found repulsive when he sees others do it, including the CEO of his company who had a 4year affair with another director and left his wife of 20+ years).

I don't know what to think. He seems to have all the hallmarks of MLC, but even if that's the case, what does it matter? He's still gone and the statistics are he won't come back. And I have to come to terms with the fact that my life has been pulled out from under me, and I have to re-build from scratch. And I honestly sometimes just don't feel up to the task. But, I will do it, because I have 2 kids who need to have at least one parent that they can count on to love them unconditionally. (H has always said that there is no such thing as unconditional love.)

Sorry for the long post......