I'm going to respectfully submit that you challenge your IC to challenge you.
How long have you been seeing him/her?
Seems like if I took my car to a mechanic over and over again and it still came back with the same problems, I'd go find another mechanic. He might be a great, understanding, friendly guy, but if my car never runs any better, I'm the one losing out.
Hi Frank: I have been reading your post, and I only have one question.
WTH are you allowing your W to come over in the morning? IMHO, she gave up the right to share in the mornings w/ you and your D's the moment she walked out the door.
In the words of Nancy Reagan, JUST SAY NO. It is not fair to you or your D's for your W to continue to come and go as she pleases w/ no repercussions for her actions.
Right now, it is your job to protect your D's. You have to tell her no. NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week. No more mornings. No more family gatherings.
She wants to have a full and rich life? Well fine, but that does not need to include the family she left behind. She needs to feel the sting of her actions, and she is not going to do that if you continue to allow this to happen.
Hon...take some of the power back.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Why do football players listen to heavy metal music before a game? Because it gets them fired up and excited to play.
I agree, we can often be guilty of paralysis by analysis. But we can't discount the motivating aspects of reading and listening to the right stuff either.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I was hoping not to offend you. The brainic comment was most certainly not directed at you. Yes you are intelligent but you do not sit on your laurels and just read.
"Just as a flower, which seems beautiful has color but no perfume, so are the fruitless words of a man who speaks them but does them not." -Dhammapada
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -Mary Oliver
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." -Annie Dillard
A cycle exists here, and unless Frank changes something, he will be here next year in much the same spot.
In a conversation Frank mentioned that he enjoyed driving to Las Vegas, I told him to get out of his Frank Cave and drive. Hence my earlier post. His response, 20 minutes to pick up daughter. That could have been 20 minutes of driving prior to picking up his daughter.
Given an opportunity a reticent man will find any excuse. I prefer not to provide one for him and a large book or reading list provides a great one not to leave the Frank Cave. I would rather call him to task.
He hears us, but does he listen? If you personally seek out advice aren't you required, if you agree with it, to try and put it into action? If you don't agree with it, fine, but do not give lip service or blow smoke up my orifice. Disagree with me! Do not waste my time I am choosing to spend with you with false words.
I am by nature the Beta. I enforce the Alpha's rule. When there is no Alpha I fill in the role. By my nature, I know when there is an Alpha and Frank is not it. Not yet.
Talking about becoming the Alpha does (excuse the pun) Jack and shite. You don't become it by reading, you don't wish yourself into the role. You simply step up and do.
I don't discount the movitational aspects, I just do not want provide an excuse. I don't want anyone to provide an excuse.
Don't tell me you have a spine. Don't tell me you are honest. Don't tell me you respect me.
Show me.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
frank...I have to agree with everyone above. One of the occupational hazards of being a surgeon is being dragged away from your family at odd hours, during family affairs, etc....
Frank....your one hazard is that you are in front of that computer too long, glued in that house.
You need to get out.
Not only that, your W chose to live in a different place with another man. I think all the coffee making, cleaning and visitation can be done AT HER HOME. I can't and won't tell you to file frank, but I can tell you that, IMO, enough is enough and she needs to be 'boundarized'. I can't make my final detachment, if you will, because the courts haven't decided who goes. But...your W is out.
Aside from being the mother of your kids: -how does she enrich your life? -how do YOU enrich YOURS? -what negative effects does she have on your life? -what positive effects does she have?
Answers: 1) She doesn't 2) ? 3) Lots 4) None
Cut her adrift and let her row frank. Start tossing coals into the boilers and get your ship moving again. Either she's drowning you OR....you're treading water too long and going under. Save yourself.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks to everyone for your honesty and support. Had a good meeting with IC, basically reinforcing the same concepts. I've been living in fear of 'losing' W when in reality it's nothing I can control.
IC said that I seemed to be in 'acceptance', or at least closer to it. We also talked about how W shows, by her interactions with D17 / D13, that she has difficulty dealing with difficult situations as an adult.
Anyway, I'm learning to convert 'guilt' into 'regret' because, as she said, you can file regret in your library of lessons.
And for all of you, including me, who doubted W's ability to move forward with the divorce, she just came into my office a few minutes ago and told me she had retained a 'Legal Document Assistant' that she could afford who will help us write up the papers for an uncontested divorce.
She said "I just want you to know that I've started the process and they'll be sending you some documents". She didn't seem particularly happy or sad.
I just said 'ok' in as pleasant a voice I could muster.
This was right after she told me she was going to the grocery store to get some 'things' for her Thursday night with the girls and was there anything I could think of that 'we' needed.
I actually didn't think it would hurt as much as it does.
But I can take some solace in something my Counselor also said today:
W doesn't really believe that one man could make her happy. She's always on the lookout for a replacement. She never had the relationship with her father that my D's have with me so she doesn't feel safe unless the mas she is with puts a lot of energy into her and the relationship.
She will not be coming back because she does not know how to truly love a man, but knows how to drain a man so she can feel loved. She does the same thing to our daughters.
She will not be coming back. Someday there will be someone who will love me like an adult, but it won't be W.
I'm hurt, but I'm also sad for her because I know she'll struggle until she finds a new man to support her and adore her. Maybe she'll burn him out, maybe it'll be a series of men. One thing for sure is that she'll never, ever find a man like me.
Maybe a man like me isn't what she needs though. I think that's probably the case. Too complicated.
J3B