My wife told me on Nov 2nd, that she didn't feel the same for me. She said it's been progressive over the last 4 years. We have been married 15 years and have 2 kids, her 20 yr old daughter by a previous marriage, and our 11 year old son.(I am 50 , she is 43) Initially she wasn't sure if we should separate, then after a couple days of thought she told me she could only give one day at a time. Since then, I have tried to talk to her, I've written letters, but she really won't respond to anything I do. I told her that I didn't want to lose my wife or my family and that they mean the world to me. She says she knows how I feel, and gets short with me when I try to talk to her about it. All she will say is that things have been going good since Nov 2nd. We still are intimate, and when leaving for work tell each other I Love You. I know from reading the other letters on the blog, that this is far from the worst conditions possible. What has me rattled is the word, Divorce, is still hanging over my head. I have been trying to be as good as I can be at home, hoping that she will let me know if her feelings change. Mostly she says I'm going overboard and driving her crazy. So far she only will say things are going good daily. Sometimes I feel as though once the holidays are over, I'm going to be history. I was hoping this would blow over but, as of today, she says it's been going good so far and thats all she'll say. When I ask, she acts as though it irritates her. I guess it's all that I can do to just be open and receptive about this to her. She also doesn't want to do any counseling saying she isn't ready for that. She doesn't want me to tell anyone else about this either. I had to talk to someone though, so I am speaking to a counselor about it. For me, I'm worried sick... I've lost 18 pounds over this. She has told me there is no one else involved and she has not been to an attorney. How should I proceed ? Do I just shut up and let her work it out ? I'm out of ideas ...Thanks for Listening, R
You are already doing some things that are NOT productive.
Stop chasing her, stop trying to impress her, stop seeking her approval. She likes that you're doing things, but she is slowly losing respect for a man who would grovel the way you are.
Tell us more if and when you can. What are the issues both now and previously in your marriage? Is this absolutely out of left field, or have there been things brewing for some time? Tell us about you. How do you think YOU have contributed to her dissatisfaction?
Right now, chill out. I suggest reading a good book on marital relationships. The MWD books (Remedy and Busting) are both good reads for you at this point in your situation. You need some focus, and most of that begins with YOU, not her.
Sounds like she wants some space, and you are not giving that to her by being the good little boy chasing her around seeking a pat on the head.
Time to man up my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
This was pretty much a bomb to me. No previous warnings. In the past, when I felt something was wrong, I asked "are we alright"? She would give me a look (like why would I ask such a thing)and say "yes we're fine, stop worrying"... We have had our problems in the past, mostly arguing. She should be a debater. She never vents until you pull it out of her...
Tell us more if and when you can. What are the issues both now and previously in your marriage? Is this absolutely out of left field, or have there been things brewing for some time? Tell us about you. How do you think YOU have contributed to her dissatisfaction?
Maybe you don't listen? : )
Listen to Bworl here rad. He is good people.
PS
Quote:
Mostly she says I'm going overboard and driving her crazy.
They don't lie all the time.
Learn to STFU.
And REALLY really really and truely, listen and do what everyone here is going to tell you do to right now. And that is stop trying to talk to her about this. I know, I know you and your wife are different than everyone else here...
But as different as you are...it doesn't seem to be working to well for you right now does it?
Learn the art of STFU...oh yeah...don't complain or confide in mutal friends or family. You'll see why if you do, but then it will be too late, trust me this is like putting a fork into a wall socket, you just don't do it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
1) "Is what I am about to do or say going to draw W closer or push her farther away." Be very conscience of her reactions to your actions. (IE Monitor results carefully) Do more of what works. Stop doing what doesn't work.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When W talks, Make it all about HER. You need to LISTEN and remember every detail as if you will later need to type it back here to me. Validate what she says.......
"Ahhhh" "Hmmmmm"
"I can see why you feel that way" "It must be hard to feel that way" "I can understand why you feel that way"
Fully engage in the conversation. Full eye contact. Hang on every word she says. While she is talking, fantasize about kissing her lips..... ALWAYS SAY LESS THAN SHE DOES. Do not argue about how she feels.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank You Ready2Change. You just validated alot of what My counselor has said. I have been trying to do these things already. Except I did ask how she was yesterday. I won't again...Where are the items you want me to read located ?
#1 Divorce Remedy #2 The Four Agreements #3 Levine:"hold on to your NUTS"
