In "Not 'Just' Friends" read the chapter about Forgiveness and Moving Forward (p. 315).
Bitterness in a divorce is unresolved pain. So.. how do you ease and get rid of the pain, especially when everything seems so unfair? Well.. the concept the author, Shirley Glass, puts forward is to 'send blessings'. Whenever the object of your pain (we'll call it 'spouse') does something that makes you angry, hurts you, gets you reeling thinking about how unfair this all is, you send them a 'blessing'.. something positive.
When I read this I thought that had to be insane. However, I didn't want to lead an angry bitter life, where my emotions were still focused on spouse negatively, with me giving away energy that should go toward me and my family.
The first time I tried it, in my mind I sent him a herd of camels. I imagined with glee the mess such a gift would make in the parking lot outside of his domicile. I promised myself I'd be more charitable in the future.
So.. whenever I got wound up and pissed, I'd send him a blessing, good wishes. Initially it caught in my throat. The more I could send, the better I'd feel. Good health, happiness, long life.. were but a few. Each time it helped me let go of muck.
Someone was telling me that in AA, they tell you to say a prayer for the person who wronged you. It doesn't have to be a perfect prayer forgiving that person... just a prayer. You can say, "God, please look out for 'the person who wronged me' even though there's no f$cking way that should ever happen." That way allows you to express the anger.
However, the blessing thing and letting go of the first example gradually helped me feel better. When spouse's actions would flip me out, the blessings helped me get centered again, faster. I'd recover faster.
You do it for you... forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Your energy goes toward positive aspects of your life.. Otherwise you're never able to let go of what hurt... in fact, you end up being the one to stab yourself.
THANK YOU! This is very, very good and makes perfect sense. If I can start to do this, it will help me to reduce my anger toward XW.
I get it and it is easy. If I can view her as someone who is struggling and w/compassion rather than a person I'm angry toward, then it will help me to let go of the hurt and bitterness I'm still carrying.
I also can see that this in NO WAY means I have to put up w/any garbage from her - which I won't - and I'll continue to stand my ground and clarify my boundaries when necessary.
What it does tell me is that instead of getting ticked off and being angry at what she does - which I currently do - by "blessing her" I would actually be calming myself down and being able to be more rational when I do talk w/her.
I get it and I think it will allow me to be calmer and more at peace in time. It will also allow me to continue to be above the pettiness and anger.
I want to be a better person and this will help me to do just that.
Rob, Getting above the pettiness and anger...those words really struck me - mostly because you wrote them but didn't attribute them to you or your XW - and it seems like your XW is still finding just the right ways to push your buttons and involve her in the kind of pettiness and anger that she can then use to say, see, I'm right about you...
Following Gypsy's advice seems to make so much sense - since it really seems consistent with what you've been aiming for all along - not being caught up in your XW's drama.
Keep in mind that you have moved forward and you have improved yourself - from everything you say about her and her choices - she still seems to be stuck where she was when the bomb dropped - and since she's there, she most likely wants to bring you back down to that familiar place so that she can have more control...and, as you know so well, when you get angry...or play into her brand of pettiness...you are giving her that control.
It's frustrating to have to deal with real, practical matters with someone that laces everything with emotional drama...but I think you managed it well through your email - being firm, but polite...she's clearly still trying to define you and tell you what you think and why you do things...all consistent with emotionally abusive behavior - just make sure you don't fall for the traps she's trying to set for you...
I don't know if you had read my thread where I mentioned the Stanford Prisoner Experiment - my T talked with me about it to illustrate what he felt had happened in my M....Just in case -it was the experiment in which some students were dressed as prisoners, others as guards - over time, the students started to play the roles they were dressed for...his insight was that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship in which I had been given the costume of the abuser - and that eventually I started playing the role without even realizing it - I never physically abused my wife or threatened her - but I did start letting my anger and frustration come out at her in harmful ways...since she moved out - that person in me has vanished...just vanished...but I can still see her trying to make me play that role...and it seems to me like your XW is doing the same thing...just don't take up that costume.
I know I'm saying a lot of stuff that you already know...sometimes it just helps me to write it out to a friend...
I'm very familiar w/the Stanford Prison Experiment as I talk about it in my psychology class. I've never applied it to me though, but it does make sense.
My good friend said my XW was trying to "gas light" me into thinking I was crazy and the one w/the problems which she did. In a way, her "gaslighting" methods helped me to act in a way that she wanted me to. I never hit her, but she wanted everyone to think I was abusive to her. I did yell at her, but I was never verbally abusive...at least never to the degree that I've been portrayed.
So, again, we're alike. Very much alike. I've found my angry self is non-existent now that XW is gone. I've not really been angry since she moved out in February. Interesting coincidence, isn't it?
Powerful coincidence, Rob...as it's been the same experience for me...Since she moved out last month I just have no anger in me at all - and the only time it bubbled up was when she pushed me and pushed me with the one thing I was still sensitive to - her accusing me of not caring about/loving my baby boy...other than that one moment, I've not stepped into her traps - though she does try to continue to set them.
My W was very effective as "gas lighting" me - when I go back and read my first threads here I can see just how much I took on responsibility for everything - and even believed that I was a verbally abusive husband...when I look at our situation now, I can see that I lost it when she dropped the bomb - that I did overreact then - but that outside of that time - and before it - I was not like that - I was mostly calm - hurt at times by her - and even angry with her - but not verbally abusive the way she insists I was...
With the distance we have now - and the quiet calm around me - I remember more of how she would interact with her father...and now I can see how I had stumbled so carelessly into playing his role...
Are you already on break? Or does that start on Friday for you? -Carlos.
Yeah..., I felt the same way. Some people can bring out the...worst in us, no? Well your wife I think could make a saint man curse!!!
Anger is not a primary emotion my C said. It hides something. It could be pain (duh!!) but is mostly connected with ... fear.
Anyway, I am happy you become "healthier and healthier". The woman was a ...disease. (OK, I enjoy being mean with her, dont really have anything against her except that I believe she is crazy and a heartless b!tch, LOL) xxx K
hahahaha! Tell it like it is Kalni !! She needs to learn some forgiveness, thats for sure.. becuase she should be able to 'let go' of her anger and bitterness.. you didnt leave her! She left you! So she is emotionally presumably in a strong position and should be able to have some compassion toward you, if only out of respect for the number of years yuo were together and creating a daughter.
I'm sick and tired of people behaving in appalling manners. I see it here, I see it in RL with the unenlightened people. I'm so tired of it! What is wrong with everyone !? Hey ho.
I feel like I should go back and find some of the moments that gave Kalni and others this impression...just to see if there are more reminders and warning sings there in terms of my W...I have to admit that some of the parallels just scare me...
My SIL once told me that her friends used to call my W "the bitch" when they were in high school...While I have seen my W's darkside - I don't think I would ever have described her that way...even now I'm reluctant to...since I see more pain in her than anything - especially underlying her anger.
Rob, Hope the sale of your house is finally underway. Do you have any idea of where you will go? What is the deal with the ring? Do you get half of its value? I so hope that in the new year you have tied up all the loose ends and cut the tie that binds. It might be hard for D when the house is sold, but you will be her rock and security. Make the most of your holiday time with D and start new traditions and try not to dwell on old ones. BTW how is your dog doing? Does XW ever bring the other one to visit?
Carlos - Yes, we do seem to be living parallel lives, don't we? Well, maybe you can learn from my mistakes b/c it seems like we're involved w/the same woman. I'll keep doing what I can, brother.
Kalni - Anger is not a primary emotion and you are correct that it usually is on top of fear. The real tough question is to figure out just what in the Hell we are afraid of when we get angry. Knowing this has helped make me slower to anger b/c I step back and analyze the reason for my fear whenever I want to punch someone or something (XW can go in either category depending on the day as to whether she is given human status or not).
As for being rid of a disease, yes, I am seeing it more and more each day. The weird thing is my heart is "addicted" to this disease, so she must be like nicotine or alcohol -- or most likely crack -- b/c it is tough to ween off of. Oh, well. That is why I'm in DB rehab, right?
And don't worry about calling her a bitch. It is absolutely ok. You don't feel guilty when you go to the zoo and call the tiger a tiger do you? Of course not, b/c that is its name. Well, just apply the same principle here, ok?
