When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

I hear you. In my case, my W told me she had lost attraction for me. Sadly, I didn't understand what she was talking about because I didn't understand that MEN generate attraction for themselves in women, primarily by just BEING a man: having a MISSION in life and insuring that your decisions for your life revolve around that mission, LEADING her and the family, being decisive, but not dominating or domineering, having an opinion and voicing it, COMMANDING respect by who you are and how you behave. Much of what I'm talking about can be found in David Cunningham's daily e-mail/blogs. Read it, re-capturing your more attractive self and/or improving on who you are is your gift to you, regardless of which fruits your efforts will bear.

I completely understand becoming weak and insecure, topped off with a big helping of being critical, but THAT was who you were for a time and not who you ARE. Your attitude is 100% up to you. Who you become is 100% up to you. How much you learn about the inner workings of being an Alpha Male again (and yes, this is a behavior pattern that CAN be learned and honed with some effort).
Check out doctorpaul(dot)net for some great material about getting a handle on being a better you. Insightful and helpful.

No, my XW didn't come to me in a way that I grasped in order to tell me that our M was in trouble, she simply did what she knew how and left it at that. Looking back now, I can see that this was a situation of not knowing what you don't know you don't know. As I said earlier, I didn't understand it either because I wasn't following a 'playbook' to get her to be attracted to me or to 'fall' in love with me. I was just being me and since I REALLY didn't understand anything about my triggering her attraction for me, I was clueless.

I didn't get the 100% my blame talk with regard to the failing of the marriage. My XW was much more kind. She told me that was 99% of the problem, and she was maybe, heavy emphasis on maybe, 1% of the problem. In my healing, marital and relationship research and 'being a man' reading, I have come to grasp that I contributed 50% of the problems which contributed to the deterioration over time, either through neglect, stupidity, or both. By the same token, SHE contributed as different 50%, but 50% all the same.

All of the work in finding myself again led to a troubling patters in me that some kind posters pointed out to me because I was blind to my own continuing mistake. That mistake is KEEPING SCORE. I regrettably cheated on my XW and she is understandably and rightfully angry, hurt and mistrusting of me. Although the terrain of our M made the mistake more palatable at the time, I know the A was wrong then, it'd be wrong today, and most certainly wrong tomorrow. No excuses. No real reasons that matter. Simple ignorance, selfishness and cowardice.

My XW has dated a string of men. Since she and I see each other or talk on a regular basis, and since she introduces these men to our children (<-- I have a problem with this mostly), I have held to the certainty that I am her best partner. I have worked to change positively I have learned a great deal. By the same token, I know that she hasn't grown at all, and perhaps isn't likely to grow. But knowing this is not keeping score in the way that I had. It's simply knowing that I want her back with some growth and positive changes to complement my growth. Taking our old M back without changes in both of us is simply a recipe for disaster and more heartache for everyone.

Let's walk this path together. NO keeping score. Keep our 'wishing' to a minimum. Focus on improving ourselves and making ourselves the best possible men we can become to bring someone new (ourselves) to a new marriage. We can save our M by ourselves. I view this as my keeping the door open to the possibility of reconciling with my W, whom I still love dearly. Based on what you write, I would guess that you love your XW. She, like my XW, lost faith in us, lost attraction for us, and lost respect for us.

But this is where the rubber meets the road. If you were DONE, you wouldn't be here. Talk to positive people. Read positive information. Pray. Be positive. Remember that rollercoaster has UPs as well as downs, end eventually it does stop. Be ready for that. Have your own attitude in the right place. Don't keep score.

Good luck, my brother,
Tom